tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post2763271179058670780..comments2023-12-25T11:13:04.495+00:00Comments on Seraphic Singles: Apparently Interested, Has GirlfriendSeraphichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-378880549294369152013-09-15T08:17:20.050+01:002013-09-15T08:17:20.050+01:00And I'm sorry that happened to you, Midwest Mi...And I'm sorry that happened to you, Midwest Miss! What an uncomfortable situation to be in.Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-8688874134405242032013-09-15T08:16:23.567+01:002013-09-15T08:16:23.567+01:00Noted! Sometimes you may NOT want to give him the ...Noted! Sometimes you may NOT want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Let's face it: some men are just creepy, manipulative so-and-sos who will tell any lie to get what they want, which usually ends up being sex. <br /><br />I suppose the same could be said for women, although I am having a hard time imagining a wily over-50 woman trapping some 20-something youth in her plots when... Oh, actually, I wrote about one in my "Seraphic Singles." <br />Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-27800359865352524512013-09-15T07:53:54.061+01:002013-09-15T07:53:54.061+01:00I'm hesitant re giving older men the benefit o...I'm hesitant re giving older men the benefit of the doubt. It's nice in theory: So-and-So is just being fatherly, and in our culture that can look a little odd; not to worry, it's all fine. In practice sometimes it's not <i>at all</i> fine but it's masquerading as something healthy.<br /><br />The mentor I'm thinking of turned out to be a sociopath with terrible (sexual) intentions. He compared me to his daughter and made sure all his actions were easily explained away, so I was confused for a while. <br /><br />Most fatherly men ARE good, and generally the good mentors I've known were either already aware of or very receptive to healthy boundaries. <br />Regardless, please trust your instincts and read up on "gaslighting". If _______ felt weird/sexual/romantic to you, but he or others insist it was platonic and kind, reset the boundaries STAT. <br />Even if _____ is similar to what he does with others and it's clearly platonic then, even if everyone else trusts him, even if he's in a leadership role, even if he's from a culture where _____ would be normal. You are always allowed to be cautious, and you don't owe anyone your trust. Even if he really is a good guy. You deserve to feel comfortable, so even if there's nothing inherently wrong with _____/So-and-So you get to set the boundaries to your comfort level.<br /><br />I know that's not at all what you meant to imply by your addendum, Auntie S, but had I read it while under the mentorship of said sociopath it'd have been problematic for me.Midwest Missnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-81087999776413637302013-09-14T11:05:36.473+01:002013-09-14T11:05:36.473+01:00Haha, I'm sorry if I sounded like an agony col...Haha, I'm sorry if I sounded like an agony column a bit ;-D Hope you didn't mind.<br /><br />I wish it was less complicated, too. I know this feeling: you are going to a party, to a new church, starting new job, new classes or anything and sort of "scan" the circle for Single men. And you think: this one's a hottie, that one - nice, that one - not bad. But, er - this - so annoying, oh no, never! And this particular one is the first (if not only) to ask you out. Ooops. What a shame! I've been there and I don't have a clue about how it works for other people that they're swept off their feet and "just know", or they managed not to write one another off before they "knew" and their core values met, and all that. And I wish we didn't have to think of any rules and count dates, really.Pearlmusicnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-64928017597151771282013-09-14T08:02:17.639+01:002013-09-14T08:02:17.639+01:00No, indeed. I don't think there is anything in...No, indeed. I don't think there is anything in BEING attracted to a lot of people, just ACTING on it. (And where have we heard this before?)<br /><br />If you are dating someone who believes in the "Third Date Rule" and only find that out on the third date, then most definitely there should not be a fourth. <br /><br />I think three meetings ideal because people are rarely their best, least artificial selfs on the first date, and they are much more likely to be themselves on the second date. The third date should confirm or overturn any positive feelings you get. <br /><br />Possibly the world is right that "third date" does have some definitive character. But what it gets wrong, of course, is that now it is time to sleep together or break up. So weird. <br /><br />I wonder if the world would suggest anyone ever get married after the third date? Because if you know someone well enough to put your body and soul at his disposal, then...? Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-52130408544092581882013-09-13T22:40:26.385+01:002013-09-13T22:40:26.385+01:00True, i do agree with auntie of course, and aunt p...True, i do agree with auntie of course, and aunt pearl (hee hee). But keep in mind... In the world... Three days = horizontal mambo... So I feel the need to clarify sooner than that. <br /><br />I'm not saying I feel I HAVE to date them for some period of time. I just don't know, after all these years, how much time is enough to say, "yeah, I'm not going to evere want to have sex with you." I have a problem toeing that subtle line between, " this person is attractive, if I get to know him, I may be attracted TO him." and just being attracted to the person! <br /><br />What I do know for sure, if I find them attractive, full stop, they are not interested in me. Or if they are, they quickly fall off the planet after a few dates. (Other times, we become dear friends.)<br /><br />I have struggled, in that I've never found many catholic men to date, so I do have to date Christian men, and in most circles, one doesn't get to pounce on faith details right away. <br /><br />Ugh. It should NOT be this complicated!TRShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09801686710086039781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-48772314158100854422013-09-13T19:17:15.069+01:002013-09-13T19:17:15.069+01:00TRS: I don’t think that it is God’s will you shoul...TRS: I don’t think that it is God’s will you should continue to date a guy you’re not interested in even if he’s the only one who’s asking ;-) But I get your point, as I’m generally for men being the ones who call and women who respond. How frustrating it is, when you feel virtually unable to respond!<br /><br />Of course, you will not know at first, and there’s nothing wrong with dating more than one guy at once. To be honest, I hate the word “date” and I insist on coffee to make it neutral for a start. This is also a fair excuse for initial “non-exclusiveness”. After some time, you’ll have to clarify that you’re not interested in anything but “just friends”. How long does it take “to know”? I have no idea, really. This might differ depending on a case. Seraphic recommends three dates, so as not to lead the guy on for too long and it seems reasonable, but it depends on your and the guy’s timing.<br />Seraphic: you covered almost everything one can think of on this topic. <br /><br />Being attracted to someone who is taken or if you are taken, is nothing wrong in itself and you usually cannot help it and cannot hide it. You just have those sparks of interest in your eyes. <br />And I don’t see anything particularly shifty or wicked in that, to make things clear. It would be terrible for people in relationships not to be able to enjoy their interactions with members of the opposite sex other than their partner/spouse. It would be equally terrible for Single people not to be able to enjoy their interactions with already taken members of the opposite sex.<br /><br />The other thing is whether you keep it modest or not. And the responsibility is equal for both parties, in my view. So I can fully agree that if you’re Single, your responsibility is to be straightforward if something makes you feel uncomfortable or is obviously inappropriate (sometimes it is helpful to involve a third party opinion, if you have friends in common), unless, of course, this person is not fully committed yet and aims clearly at winning your heart and becoming exclusive with you. But, from what I know myself, these are signs showing that you might probably have to flee at once:<br /><br />He/she doesn’t stop courting you even after they are committed (engaged or married)<br /><br />He/she tries to deny that something’s wrong in there when you mention being uncomfortable. If this person really likes and respects you, they will not be willing to continue to make you feel bad<br /><br />He/she is spying on your personal affairs (without you letting him/her know about them), is jealous about them and tries to render your dating plans fruitless. If that’s your case, don’t hesitate to run away.<br />Pearlmusicnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-67090853666511247282013-09-13T17:58:14.691+01:002013-09-13T17:58:14.691+01:00My advice is that you should go out for coffee onc...My advice is that you should go out for coffee once with anyone who suggests it--unless he is an out-and-out heel you shouldn't been seen with, and you know it. And after that, if you're interested and have good reason to think you share Core Values, go on two dates (if he asks). If you're really not "feeling a spark" after the third appointment, tell him you think this is going to be a friendship thing. <br /><br />This is the only way I can think of to give good guys a serious chance, and then to slip out of a situation earlier, when it's just a blow to his ego, rather than later, when it's more of a stab in the heart. <br /><br />I had exactly three dates with really cute Mexican guy. It was totally all correct, and there was no fourth date. But that was totally okay. I enjoyed our dates, he was a perfect gentleman, and we're both married to other people, and he had the good manners to get married, like, three years after me! :-DSeraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-71714416514657207382013-09-13T17:49:40.637+01:002013-09-13T17:49:40.637+01:00I get stuck in what you describe,, I'll go on ...I get stuck in what you describe,, I'll go on a date with this guy I'm only mildly interested in, because I feel to open to Gods will, I should go out with whomever asks me. How can I know in one conversation whether I should write the perfectly nice guy off?<br />Then I continue to accept dates, with the intention of accepting dates from anyone else who asks until I see a front-runner. But it turns out I'm dating the guy I wasn't really interested in, because he's the only one asking. <br /><br />I'm tired of it. I just want the right guy to come along already.<br />How do I explain to guys that I'm happy to get to know them, but I think dating should be another step entirely, and I'm not so sure what that step looks like?TRShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09801686710086039781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-74016514628717559472013-09-13T15:21:51.625+01:002013-09-13T15:21:51.625+01:00Something similar happened to me when I worked at ...Something similar happened to me when I worked at a small law firm. One of the men there had a long-time girlfriend, but he was also clearly interested in me. He, however, was enough of a gentleman not to have prolonged conversations along with me- if we went out to lunch or drinks, it was with other people we worked with, too. About six months after I stopped working there, he asked me out for drinks. I agreed, assuming either he invited our other old colleagues or he had since broken up with his girlfriend. Neither were true, I found out after we were already eating the happy hour pizza. He paid, and I was a little horrified that I accidentally went on a date with a guy with a girlfriend.<br /><br />I think if this had happened again, even once, I would have asked him what was up, or told him I was uncomfortable, as Seraphic recommends. Since it was only the once, and I think he was genuinely confused as to whether he wanted to jump ship or not, it was fine. It probably helps that while I found him super-attractive, I wasn't all that interested in him, anyway, so I wasn't in the least heart-broken he didn't choose me.<br /><br />AnamariaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com