tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post2872159800393391810..comments2023-12-25T11:13:04.495+00:00Comments on Seraphic Singles: Auntie Seraphic & the Reader Who Dreams of Happiness in MarriageSeraphichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-77291599195877978912013-07-30T14:26:20.653+01:002013-07-30T14:26:20.653+01:00I know many happily married couples, but the only ...I know many happily married couples, but the only marriage I'd want to be in is my own. <br /><br />Of my friends, only one married a guy I thought was super-cute, as in "Oh my goodness, your husband is such a dish! I mean, um, um, is that the TIME? Must go." But fortunately, I like all the husbands of my married friends, and think they are good guys. <br /><br />I have to say that just because an outsider can't see the joy that marriage brings to a couple's lives doesn't mean it isn't there. And meanwhile, marriage becomes an everyday family-type arrangement, strangely similar to when you were a kid, only now you are one of the bosses. You get up, you eat breakfast, you go to school or work or on errands, you come home, you do chores, you make dinner, you eat dinner, you watch TV or do whatever, you go to bed. The biggest difference is that instead of your parents or your brothers and sisters, you live with your spouse and your kids, if you have them (and you're the co-boss). It's great, and it's the stuff of life, but it's not the Beatific Vision. And just because it's not the Beatific Vision doesn't mean there's something wrong with it. <br /><br />The take-home point is that movies, love songs and TV shows are all FICTIONAL. They sell you on a dream of "the perfect marriage" which is just a cartoon. Some married poets and married novelists often "get it", but do have a look at their biographies before you take their word for what marriage is like. <br /><br />I think the reason the divorce rate is so high--and in Scotland it is mostly women who file for divorce--is false expectations around marriage. Women expect men to think like women (or act like men in songs), and men expect women to want what men want. Women have to say what they need, and men have to believe them and talk about it. Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-16120739706280241632013-07-30T13:58:59.157+01:002013-07-30T13:58:59.157+01:00I've been reading a lot of Gary Chapman (autho...I've been reading a lot of Gary Chapman (author of The Five Love Languages) lately--preparing for possibly becoming engaged to my boyfriend--and he has a lot to say about the phases of romantic love. He claims there are two: being "in love," and the lasting love that follows that. He also claims that the 2nd type of love can be just as fulfilling (albeit differently) as the 1st, IF you and your spouse make a conscious effort to choose to love each other in concrete ways every day. He has published many books about love in general, for people in any situation: single, dating, engaged, married. I have read his original, The Five Love Languages, and my boyfriend and I read the one for dating/engaged couples, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married. Both were EXCELLENT. The thing I liked most about them was that, although I like theory, they were so PRACTICAL! They give you specific things to do in order to show love. And it's really so simple! Not only have they convinced me that my boyfriend and I have the tools and ability to be happy together once the intense love fades, but it has made me see other relationships in my life differently. My mother's requests that I do things for her no longer seem irrational and irritating. Instead, I see them as ways that I can love her, and our relationship has become much better. <br /><br />Anyways, that's my plug, which I hope will help someone, since I, too, worried that I might not be happy in marriage.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-51579788575948048682013-07-30T04:50:48.724+01:002013-07-30T04:50:48.724+01:00Reader Dreams of Happiness in Marriage, I feel you...Reader Dreams of Happiness in Marriage, I feel your pain! I'm lucky enough to know men who really do understand me (so it IS possible for men to understand women!), but I still can't think of many long-term marriages I'd want to be in; none of them seem to bring joy to the spouses lives. And I wonder if I am being silly and unrealistic in hoping that it's possible for one to take delight in her husband for decades, and for her to be closer to him than to anyone else...Anonymous for this comment, pleasenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-12591226769432909172013-07-30T03:35:58.969+01:002013-07-30T03:35:58.969+01:00Can a married lurker add a word?
Married people h...Can a married lurker add a word?<br /><br />Married people have a really hard time telling the unmarried about marriage, because we don't want to be public about it. Sometimes I hate being married. Sometimes I am so dippily happy to be married I'd be intolerable to anyone who wasn't.<br /><br />But I definitely think the passion returns. It stops being an all-the-time swoon, but it shows up rather often, especially if one's husband takes business trips and you miss him like crazy. Togetherness can sometimes lead to taking one another for granted.<br /><br />No man can understand you ... without being told. No man can understand you ... the way your girlfriends do. But aside from these caveats, understanding is definitely within reach. It's a matter of communication, of seeking to understand more than being understood, listening, and so forth. I would say my husband understands me better than anyone except my mother. That's because he loves me enough to pay attention to all the details which most other people aren't interested in. But my mother will always beat him out because she is female and actually GETS me.<br /><br />I think the single life is great. But don't get sour grapes and convince yourself marriage isn't nice, because it is -- provided, of course, that you marry a Good Guy, and subsequently are willing to put as much effort into the relationship as you would like your spouse to.Sheilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10853868724554947854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-30458050368299238222013-07-27T01:53:18.787+01:002013-07-27T01:53:18.787+01:00Beautiful, honest post Seraphic. I firmly echo Cla...Beautiful, honest post Seraphic. I firmly echo Claire's second paragraph above, but may pose an answer to her first question ("why don't more married people talk about our ultimate longing for God?"). I'd guess it's either one of two things, or perhaps a combination. 1) the universal vocation to holiness/longing for God that can only be filled in heaven *can* be glossed over in our understanding of the Faith, even by the best-intentioned people. Often we focus so much on the pursuit of a particular vocation (priesthood/religious life/marriage) that we miss the forest for the trees; we miss the ultimate vocation (holiness/the union of God and mankind[Church]in heaven). and/or 2)perhaps married people (conjecture, since I'm not married) are so happy (or so miserable) in their marriages, that looking past the "icon" of marriage to the reality of God's pursuit of us might be hard.<br /><br />Detachment. I'm learning it very slowly, but detachment helps *a lot*Maggiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09398904417243102605noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-18188966447406305452013-07-26T23:56:32.182+01:002013-07-26T23:56:32.182+01:00This post is such a breath of fresh air! It does ...This post is such a breath of fresh air! It does a great job of summarizing many of the realistic attitudes about men and marriage that are one of the things I love about this blog. And I love how you always bring it back to God being the One we were created for. Why don't more married people say these things you are saying, Seraphic? :)<br /><br />And a piece of advice for your sad reader -- I'm 29 and no prospects of marriage in sight and sadness definitely comes and goes. But three things have been a huge help for me as I fight to remain joyful. 1) daily adoration (or just heart-to-heart prayer for non-Catholics or those who can't make it to regular adoration -- the daily examen is a good example of this), 2) keeping in touch with girlfriends, especially commiserating with other single girlfriends if you've got them (there are a dwindling number of these in my life, but I've found this blog a good source of solidarity as well), and 3) having meaningful work or study. Other interests, volunteering and stuff helps too but I've found the above 3 the most effective. and then there's always kittens and chocolate! :)Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16874009658063997845noreply@blogger.com