tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post5640069405832810828..comments2023-12-25T11:13:04.495+00:00Comments on Seraphic Singles: Auntie Seraphic and Trying to be SensibleSeraphichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-22191633421595336762013-10-27T20:18:29.673+00:002013-10-27T20:18:29.673+00:00@Urszula: your tips are great! „Love the ones who ...@Urszula: your tips are great! „Love the ones who love you” is a rule I would also apply, even though our Mr Perfect may not be among them at the moment.<br />The saddest thing about the whole thing is that it might all look perfect in the beginning. He initiates. He pursues. He even proposes (that was the case of my female acquaintance). And then… he breaks up with you. Unfortunately, the sole fact that he shows interest directly just as we’d expect doesn’t guarantee he will continue to be interested. He might as well stop being interested. So I appreciate the remark about not replaying past scenes in your mind. Sometimes he might look interested and serious at a certain point but then just withdraw and that’s something we’ve got to face. <br /><br />Meanwhile, I don’t think that being rooted in reality = being cynical and expecting the worst. We’re always at risk of getting our feelings hurt. But if we don’t hope for the best every time we fall in love, what’s left?<br /><br />@Trying to be Sensible – keep going, I’ll say a little prayer for you!<br /><br />Pearlmusicnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-83882961193826825952013-10-27T14:42:03.984+00:002013-10-27T14:42:03.984+00:00I agree with trying to be sensible (directly above...I agree with trying to be sensible (directly above).... I'd rather hear some real reason the man is not interested, than some softened up excuse. Because think about it, twenty years of, "you're absolutely wonderful, but I'm too busy" leads me to believe there is nothing about myself to work on. And it tells me that the men I'm meeting are a bit weak for not being able to balance their lives.<br />If they would say, "you're too Catholic", or "I can't get passed your crooked teeth." or "I prefer curvier women", then I would at least know hat was up. <br /><br />I'll admit, I spent much of my 20s mooning over one man, whom it thought was the ultimate. So handsome, funny, smart, sweet, Catholic even. We spent time together as friends, he even took me out as a "date" for which i still hae the amazing dress! After that I finally told him, "I've always thought we should date." He responded with "I'm not dating anyone right now." So I held tight to the "right now" part of the sentence! Waiting for him to come around. At least I didn't have any competition!<br />Little did I know, the competition was male! Years later he finally told me he was gay! He had passed his lover off as his roommate, even at the time he took me out on a "date". I suspected it, but he always threw me off the scent. <br />See? So much better to give a real reason!TRShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09801686710086039781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-43230031398068275282013-10-27T12:34:54.507+00:002013-10-27T12:34:54.507+00:00Trying to be Sensible -
I've appreciated you...Trying to be Sensible - <br /><br />I've appreciated your thoughts and the ensuing discussion on daydreaming, communication, etc. I thought I'd just weigh in to share an experience I had several years ago in a somewhat similar situation to yours, when the "daydream" came to fruition. Let's just say, it's not always the rosy outcome we imagine.<br /><br />I had dated this particular gentleman for about a year; he moved things along, said we should be thinking of marriage, he spoke to my parents about his intentions, and so forth. This guy was originally from a different country than I was, but had lived in my country for a number of years. Having not been home in a few years, he said he wanted to go home, speak with his family about marriage plans, and then return for a formal engagement and wedding shortly thereafter. <br /><br />Well, he went home, got cold feet, and never came back. He said "his family was opposed to the plan", "he was sorry", etc. <br /><br />Now, after a year of dating and contemplating marriage, of course I thought - he'll come back, he had his whole future mapped out here, we had a future together, he's just struggling with cold feet and family pressures.... In other words, the daydreams. But I moved on - he was ,after all, in a different country and not in any way a further part of my life. <br /><br />But here's what I really wanted to share: there is often little satisfaction when our daydreams come to fruition. A small sense of vindication, perhaps, but it's not what we hope for. You see, a year later this gentleman got back in touch, deeply apologetic, saying he had totally lost his mind, grieved that he'd been disobedient to the things God had called him to do, including marrying me and establishing a particular career in my country; he had been weak under family pressure, regretted it, and knew that there was no other woman for him but me. <br /><br />I don't think I've ever spent as much time in prayer as I did then, because I thought - of course I forgive him, and take his apology as sincere; but I don't really think God is asking me to take a chance on someone who has proved entirely untrustworthy. Long and short of it: I said I appreciated the apology but was only willing to talk if he returned to my country; and although he had every legal reason to return, his visa was permanently rejected, which I saw as God's divine mercy and protection. <br /><br />Men do make mistakes and regret their actions (well, we all do!), and sometimes do wake up and want to come riding back into our lives - just as we daydream! And we can certainly be part of that journey by extending forgiveness and grace (which doesn't necessarily mean a restored relationship). But I can definitely say that someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with us now is probably not someone we will be excited to re-commence a relationship with in the future. <br /><br />I think you're entirely right, Sensible - truthful, clear communication is the best way forward!SundayBornnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-47086672797137404012013-10-27T03:31:44.023+00:002013-10-27T03:31:44.023+00:00Leah, love your story!
I just want to say, it seem...Leah, love your story!<br />I just want to say, it seems to me I'd rather hear "I'm not interested in you"--hopefully softened up a little with "Although you're a wonderful person,etc." and also "I'm terribly sorry for leading you on" (if applicable). It's hard to hear, but there is nothing better than the truth. The truth will set you free.... Also, I think it shows respect for the other person. Being less than honest in order to "spare someone's feelings" implies a judgment that they can't handle reality, which is very demeaning. So, I'm all for honesty. <br />Which is not to say that I haven't done my fair share of prevaricating--i.e. "I'm busy indefinitely" instead of "No thanks, I don't care to go out to coffee with you."<br />But no more. Because I don't believe it's in any way kind or helpful, in reality.Trying to be sensiblenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-26631252898159993972013-10-27T01:31:19.472+01:002013-10-27T01:31:19.472+01:00What struck me as problematic, was even before he ...What struck me as problematic, was even before he told her that he was too busy to be in a relationship with her. He told her that he'd date her if Trying to be Sensible didn't live so far away and then continued to be in contact with her. <br /><br />Dating website profiles list the country and city that the person lives in, so he would've been able to tell from the start the distance for her. If she lived too far away for him, then he should have ended it with her instead of flirting with a woman that he wasn't willing to travel for. That's both leading her on and wasting her time. <br /><br />I've been told that when it comes to online dating, if a man doesn't even begin to start talking about meeting in person after a month, then as has been said before, he's just not that in to you. The sooner you meet in person the better. Something is seriously wrong if you've been in contact for two months and you haven't met yet. At that point, end it with him. <br /><br />Sorry about the link Seraphic. I've seen commenters post links relevent to the discussion before. I didn't know that the one I posted wasn't allowed. I found the Free Online Dating Guide insightful. It wasn't spam. It addresses how to solve common problems that people have when dating online.tinytheresenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-41638648379065654282013-10-26T14:39:54.433+01:002013-10-26T14:39:54.433+01:00I love your advice here, Seraphic! (it made me thi...I love your advice here, Seraphic! (it made me think of the movie 'He's Just Not That Into You.' :) )<br /><br />Four years ago, I could have written almost this exact same letter. I was also in a 'e-mail' relationship with a guy in a very, very similar situation (From the description, I suspect they were probably both in the same field, or a very similar one.) He was a little more final in breaking it off, but used the same kind of line. <br /><br />Two months later, my husband started pursuing me. He worked in the EXACT same field as guy #1, and wasn't even as far along in his training, so he was looking ahead to even less free time for more years. We were also long distance, and he hates talking on the phone and had little access to the internet, but he was willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make our relationship work, and we were married less than a year later. If a guy wants to be with you, he really will move mountains to make that happen. (And if he doesn't want to be with you, that's HIS loss!)<br /><br />On a different note, because I'm curious, what IS the best way to break a relationship off with someone that you just aren't interested in? (Especially if you haven't really been seeing each other that long?) Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, but it seems like saying 'I just can't be in this relationship right now because of x' is a tactful way to spare the other person's feelings. <br /><br />I can see where that might allow the other person to keep hoping that it will happen eventually, but 'I'm just not interested in you' seems so harsh. (And from personal experience, is a very painful thing to hear.)Leahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-3149001169322461092013-10-26T08:22:07.755+01:002013-10-26T08:22:07.755+01:00**Comment erased because it linked to a downloadab...**Comment erased because it linked to a downloadable**Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-22114937363859120892013-10-25T22:32:37.218+01:002013-10-25T22:32:37.218+01:00Very good advice, and good luck to "Trying to...Very good advice, and good luck to "Trying to be sensible"! Being rooted in reality is one of the hardest things ever. <br /><br />I used to be proficient at daydreaming and still catch myself doing it, but I've found a few tricks that helped. <br /><br />One is constantly repeating "He's not interested in me" (and any lame excuse he gives you as to why is unimportant - that's really the gist of the matter). <br /><br />Two is not replaying scenes in your mind. This goes for past scenes ("But he was so nice when he picked up oranges for me when I was sick!") as well as future ones ("I'm sure when I bump into him in this amazing outfit, he will fall head over heels and want to date me"). You have no idea how the future will play out, the only thing you can be sure of is that it will not be what you imagined.<br /><br />The third - and personally most helpful - is putting all the thoughts and attention you wish to lavish on him (the poor, hard-working man) on someone who actually deserves it. Your grandma, an aunt who had surgery, your lonely old piano teacher you haven't emailed in forever, your hard-working brother with three kids, even a pet! <br />These are real people you have real relationships with and directing your energy towards them can really help them - and you. It's real and tangible in a way internet -or daydream -relationships are not.<br /><br />Just my 2 cents on what has helped me personally.Urszulahttp://whereismysuitcase.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-19606114230216149562013-10-25T22:01:42.026+01:002013-10-25T22:01:42.026+01:00Congratulations, Trying to be Sensible! :D I mean ...Congratulations, Trying to be Sensible! :D I mean for feeling better after the bucket of cold water.<br /><br />Oh, these daydreams! I have wasted several years in my early twenties with daydreaming. Really wasted a LOT of time. And I told nobody about it, so nobody could tell me to stay rooted in reality! Such a helpful phrase!Magdalenanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-11989704068771538292013-10-25T21:48:18.033+01:002013-10-25T21:48:18.033+01:00Trying to be Sensible, you are awesome :) Love th...Trying to be Sensible, you are awesome :) Love that comment.HappyToBeHerenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-26399512131222129562013-10-25T19:24:45.915+01:002013-10-25T19:24:45.915+01:00Ladies, I can attest to one real good cure for day...Ladies, I can attest to one real good cure for daydreaming, and that is to send an email to Seraphic! Or to take any other course (such as discussing him with girlfriends) that results in his motives and behavior being coolly and calmly and expertly scrutinized. It clears things up amazingly. Yes, cold water is a shock, but you feel so much better afterwards! <br />Trying to be Sensiblenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-72782793200723868262013-10-25T16:14:14.003+01:002013-10-25T16:14:14.003+01:00I'm going to respond to the first part of her ...I'm going to respond to the first part of her letter... Which is is the "I'm too busy with work, to have a relationship." Oh, I get this all the stinking time. It's infuriating to me that our generation of men can't seem to come up with a work-life balance. Yet it seems to be all women talk about, magazines and so forth, dedicated to "having it all".<br /><br /> It makes no sense for men to put off a potentially fulfilling relationship because they've got "too muc going on right now." As I've said before in my blog, and as you've alluded in your post ... Um, the generations before us got married just days before going off to fight in a war!<br />If your "thing that is too big for a relationship" is smaller than WWII , stop using it as an excuse to let us women down easy. <br /><br />I'd really like the eavesdropping male perspective on this. For after 20 years of dating, I'm mighty tired of hearing, "You're everything I'm looking for in a woman, but I'm too busy for a relationship right now." <br />Just admit that you really don't want a relationship.<br />Because if you did, there is no way you'd let everything your looking for go. TRShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09801686710086039781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-64054177523780618932013-10-25T15:21:07.744+01:002013-10-25T15:21:07.744+01:00Ugh, daydreaming. I am the czarina of daydreams! T...Ugh, daydreaming. I am the czarina of daydreams! There was this article in the NYTimes a billion years ago by Wendy McClure about the social danger of Amazon wishlist lurking, and I combine that with daydreaming. It's really bad.<br /><br />Having a natural inclination toward research and being quite proficient with le Google, it takes a tonne of willpower to not find out about someone everything you possibly can if you're excited about them. It's almost a form of insurance- "I'm excited about a guy, so I want to find out everything I can about him so that I can discover whether or not my excitement is displaced."<br /><br />It's super dangerous, and I know it, but it comes from (I think) a lack of trust in my own judgement of men, and not wanting to end up divorced! Emnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-9879793353727237952013-10-25T14:37:46.629+01:002013-10-25T14:37:46.629+01:00Come to think of it, rereading my post, it seems a...Come to think of it, rereading my post, it seems a bit lecture-y and perhaps harsh to Trying To Be Sensible who has been hurt. Sorry about that. Seraphic may delete as she thinks fit.NSnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-76407686535838233162013-10-25T14:16:17.362+01:002013-10-25T14:16:17.362+01:00Popping out of lurk mode twice in two days althoug...Popping out of lurk mode twice in two days although this isn't strictly defending my sister so far away.<br />@Seraphic: [ ] not required to protect ta belle-soeur et moi. :)<br /><br />@ Seraphic's wonderful friends: Re dating sites: I agree they are online daydream machines. However TBS & I met on one. We both recognized at once that remaining as aliases on a dating site = the game, and neither of us like the game. Messages sent to agree to meeting in person at a mutually neutral place within the week, etc. etc., as generally counseled by the mistress of this blog. Both of us had used this technique with others, and although those meetings didn't turn out, the disappointment was mixed with mutual respect, no hard feelings and no mourning. Coffee was just coffee.<br /><br />Game Over.Nulli Secundusnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-70799869398334897512013-10-25T13:14:25.675+01:002013-10-25T13:14:25.675+01:00@HappyToBeHere. Good heavens! I was the day-dreami...@HappyToBeHere. Good heavens! I was the day-dreaming QUEEN! But in B.A.'s case, I was just not going to do that. Besides, I just did not think--based on his photographs--that he was My Type. I did't rule him out, though, because life had taught me not to reject some guy I had never actually met based on something as random as a photograph. And there was the fact that he lived across the ocean and was a Mad Rad Trad (well, went to the EF all the time), so really it was not that hard to be sensible.Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-91082261133508645572013-10-25T13:10:51.687+01:002013-10-25T13:10:51.687+01:00I don't like online dating either. Actually, I...I don't like online dating either. Actually, I never tried a dating website, but accepting Facebook invitations from men I barely knew was just about the same stuff.<br /><br />The saddest part of it is that in such cases we often feel sorry for being assertive and try to fix it. The reader said: "if he wrote in X time I'd of course be happy to hear from him, and to pick up our correspondence, unless I should happen to be dating someone else, of course". That's fine. And I would have left it this way knowing everything I know now, but of course, when it came to the same thing in the past I was right there to call again and apologize for saying such thing, silly me!<br /><br />Why save the guy from feeling sorry about something he should actually feel sorry about? Why not let him make this little (probably not too painful) penance for something he obviously feels he did wrong? Especially while the girl in this case still suffers more from the situation than he does.Pearlmusicnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-45879606666884441192013-10-25T13:08:36.939+01:002013-10-25T13:08:36.939+01:00Yeah, unfortunately, I definitely think he was jus...Yeah, unfortunately, I definitely think he was just not that interested. I mean, my friends and I go through times of being *incredibly* busy. I recently moved and between moving and my job, I felt I was constantly rushing from one thing to the next, and I don't recall ending any friendships over it. I even squeezed (and it really was squeezed) in time to go to coffee with a guy.<br /><br />A good friend of mine recently started his first job as a lawyer, and is quite busy and we don't speak much except for a bit on the weekend anymore.<br /><br />None of this busy-ness keeps any of us from continuing contact and at least remaining friends. So, I always think it's a cop-out when someone totally cuts off communication based on how busy they are. I assume they won't be total recluses; I assume they will probably at least still be checking facebook, right? And writing emails to long-time friends or their mothers? So, if he were really interested, why shouldn't he find fifteen minutes out of a whole, entire week to compose an email? <br /><br />Being rejected by men sucks. Being rejected by men with lame, transparent excuses is just insulting. Sarahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-65926762366111969912013-10-25T12:29:52.155+01:002013-10-25T12:29:52.155+01:00Daydreaming is such a bad habit. From my own perso...Daydreaming is such a bad habit. From my own personal experience I can attest to the fact that online dating is a waste of time. I spent months writing to one guy -- we were *perfect* for each other. All the usual traits I like: smart, funny, witty, a great writer, better musician, and simply charming (and, although it doesn't matter, but a nice plus, wealthy). And oh-so handsome - big white smile, dark almond eyes with a sparkle in them. Then we met in person (and, in case it was first date jitters, I gave him three extra dates). Oh, it couldn't have been any worse. His words on paper captivated me, but when he spoke, he just talked and talked and talked. I don't think he even asked me about what I liked during any of the dates. He was so rude, too, to the waitstaff. <br /><br />I shutter at how many times I read his letters, how many hours wasted thinking about our date, our marriage, our life together (day dreaming is addicting!). You can't just go by a photograph (and I'm not photogenic, so my profile probably gets by-passed) and ticked boxes of favorite things. I really think there is something special about meeting someone in person. And that unexpected element of chemistry. Marvellous! <br /><br />From this lesson, I am now trying to suppress my day dreams. It's so difficult, but looking back it was such a waste of time...Francescanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-66234868151000778862013-10-25T11:27:37.586+01:002013-10-25T11:27:37.586+01:00I really feel for Trying To Be Sensible. And I re...I really feel for Trying To Be Sensible. And I really think you hit the nail on the head, Auntie.<br /><br />Daydreaming could use a post all of its (dangerous) lonesome. For example, I would be curious about why you didn't daydream about B.A. Where you blessed at birth to be missing the daydreaming gene? Did it simply never occur to you to daydream about that particular man? Had you developed and implemented strategies against daydreaming as a result of hard-learned experience? (The latter reason would probably be the most helpful, as you could then share those strategies.)HappyToBeHerenoreply@blogger.com