tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post6594692933130406326..comments2023-12-25T11:13:04.495+00:00Comments on Seraphic Singles: Talking BoundariesSeraphichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-59726722033238281402013-03-04T12:42:51.689+00:002013-03-04T12:42:51.689+00:00Sunny, you deserve great praise for preserving you...Sunny, you deserve great praise for preserving your boyfriend's reputation when you knew you would end the relationship! I can definitely imagine how tempted you must have been to spill your guts, and I hope I would have behaved as well. (Not just in not telling people in what he did, but also in breaking up with him.)Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-22004163644069458132013-03-04T04:15:54.483+00:002013-03-04T04:15:54.483+00:00I was once dating a guy who admitted he had gone o...I was once dating a guy who admitted he had gone out for dinner and "made out" with an old girlfriend (we had been dating exclusively for several months). My first instinct was of course to break up with him, but I said I needed some time to think things over. Cue my best friend saying to me "We are so lucky (our boyfriend's names) would never cheat on us. I nearly bit my tongue off in supressing the urge to blurt out what my boyfriend did. I didn't, we broke up and my friend (and family) still think of this ex as a wonderful guy, but that it just didn't work out. This I believe was the correct thing to do as I was not struggling to understand my situation or to make a decision and telling my friend would have been a spitrful thing to do. If I had however been unsure of what to do next, I think sharing this information with my friend would have been the right thing to do. Sorry, a very long post to make the point that context is important. What can and cannot be shared depends on the situation.Sunnysaffernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-48506361772355290852013-03-03T03:52:11.127+00:002013-03-03T03:52:11.127+00:00I once dated a guy who was controlling and disappr...I once dated a guy who was controlling and disapproving of many things I did. I had poor boundaries at the time (nothing immoral) and was very confused about the whole dynamic. Consequently, I kept putting up the stop sign when he brought up talk of marriage. I wanted to be discreet about our struggles, but one night I was out with some girlfriends who asked when we might be getting engaged. I said I wasn't sure, that I couldn't figure out why I wasn't ready to say yes, when one of them said, "Does he pressure you?" I said that he did, and they all said they could see it. It led to my describing the dynamics of our relationship and their affirming that a) they saw that too and b) I was right to be putting the brakes on the relationship. I have always been grateful for their support - all the world and my family too was saying this was such a wonderful guy and I should marry him before he got away, but these gals supported my breaking off a relationship that would have otherwise become a disastrous marriage. Domestic Divanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-43263669737382956542013-03-02T05:40:53.904+00:002013-03-02T05:40:53.904+00:00I too dated a man who shared personal information ...I too dated a man who shared personal information about me with his friends while we were dating, so I can now basically assume that any personal detail about me is public domain among his circle, since we have broken up. Ugh. Seriously cringeworthy.<br /><br />I learned some of these lessons the hard way. There are two particular things I learned.<br /><br />1. If I learn something unpleasant about a man I'm dating and want to just blissfully ignore it and proceed dating, rather than talk to a trusted friend about it, that is a major internal alarm-sounder for me that something's not right.<br /><br />2. Like SCG's friend, I over-complained horribly to one of my best and sweetest friends about troubles I was having with the first guy I dated seriously. I was inexperienced with dating, it was a very poor match, and I felt overwhelmed, inadequate, and insecure. (did I mention it was a poor match?) She eventually pointed out that I should be having those conversations with my then-boyfriend himself instead of unloading my worries on her. I think that observation saved my friendship with her (thank God), and it opened the door to better communication not only with that guy, but every guy (even the good ones) I've dated since. It's helpful to talk to friends, but I think you also need to go to the source of the issue when necessary, because it can be very instructive.isobelnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-74142406791410265552013-03-01T21:00:08.788+00:002013-03-01T21:00:08.788+00:00Ugh.Definitely TMI.
Although not as bad, I also f...Ugh.Definitely TMI.<br /><br />Although not as bad, I also find it TMI when people with whom you are not especially close insist on giving detailed and gory descriptions of their own or their nearest and dearest's latest medical procedure. So much for asking, "How are you."<br /><br />A little discretion goes a long way...c'est la vienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-10285733839694684192013-03-01T18:57:52.190+00:002013-03-01T18:57:52.190+00:00Hmm. I allowed Anonymous comments for just that on...Hmm. I allowed Anonymous comments for just that one post! <br /><br />But, yes, I did mean truly personal stuff. As you see, I gave the love-struck a pass. It is okay, and indeed a good idea, and enjoyable, to tell your best pals who he is, and where you met him, and what he said at the party, and if you think he might ask you for a coffee, and how coffee went, and what you did and what he gave you for Valentine's Day. <br /><br />Beyond that though, you're talking best friend, and not girl-talk, territory. I keep thinking about a rather tasteless moment on an Edinburgh bus where the English girl behind me finished her litany of what she and her boyfriend did for Valentine's Day with "And then we had a little shag." I so did not need to hear that, and I bet her pal didn't either. Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-49828962969042229522013-03-01T18:20:06.869+00:002013-03-01T18:20:06.869+00:00I see Anonymous's (?) point but I think a dist...I see Anonymous's (?) point but I think a distinction has to be made between the early stages of dating and serious commitment, ie engagement or marriage. <br /><br />At the beginning I think it is important for other people to know what's going on, because if you're getting involved with someone manipulative or emotionally unhealthy in some way, often friends and family are the first to warn you before it goes too far. <br /><br />But I think Seraphic is talking about people who are in serious relationships and revealing the very private personal information of another without good cause, which is certainly not very nice.c'est la vienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-48734319225505468622013-03-01T17:27:42.851+00:002013-03-01T17:27:42.851+00:00First time to comment here... I think you need to...First time to comment here... I think you need to be careful saying not to talk about romantic kinds of things. Having open conversations about small stuff (where you went to dinner, whether you like this guy, what you aren't sure about, how cute you think he is) sets the stage so that it's easy to have big conversations (sex, break up or not, interpreting odd conversations/behaviors). If you err on the side of keeping things too close, it makes it harder to broach the subject when you really need friends there. And establishing a norm of communication makes it easier for friends to know when to call you (er...me) out for possibly doing something stupid. I'm not saying you need to talk about everything, but I think regular communication is good. I'm single (perhaps obvious) and I would think it was strange if a girl friend didn't mention anything about her new bf. I do agree that intimate details are TMI - married or not. <br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-71142945372130040462013-03-01T16:51:32.663+00:002013-03-01T16:51:32.663+00:00I guess I must be blessed with good friends, becau...I guess I must be blessed with good friends, because I have never had this problem. Having dated a man, on the other hand, who shares too much info about me with other people... ugh.<br /><br />(Incidentally, I think priests should be giving this kind of Seraphic advice to men, rather than telling them it is ok to talk about the girl with their friends and family because in human history courtship happened in a community and now we are living such isolated lives, it's terrible, blah blah...) double ugh. MaryJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-72826792805080091372013-03-01T15:46:21.395+00:002013-03-01T15:46:21.395+00:00Ugh, yes to the insensitive part! I have an acquai...Ugh, yes to the insensitive part! I have an acquaintance who's dating someone and she likes to complain about how he's not [fill in the blank with the complaint of the day] enough and then tell me and other Single gals that "you're lucky not to be dating someone! It's soooooo hard to have a boyfriend, especially one who [doesn't call 9000 times a day because he's caring for his aging parents or some other perfectly valid excuse]. SCGnoreply@blogger.com