tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post7754166607341351753..comments2023-12-25T11:13:04.495+00:00Comments on Seraphic Singles: Marrying Up? Marrying Down?Seraphichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-36981220156829135192010-08-28T10:56:48.362+01:002010-08-28T10:56:48.362+01:001. St. Monica had no choice. It was not a love mat...1. St. Monica had no choice. It was not a love match. Patricius had a nasty temper, was unfaithful and probably beat her. She advised other wives on how to avoid beatings from their husbands. St. Monica is a model of how to make the best of a very bad situation, but I wouldn't EVER hold up the Monica-Patricius marriage as some sort of lesson of how to be married.<br /><br />2. Don't date non-Catholics, Maggie. You're only 25 years old. For heaven's sake! If you must "date" second-best type men, "date" men from other strict religious traditions, not secular humanists. (Watch out, though, that they don't have a "Catholic girls are for practise" mentality. Why on earth would you deliberately put yourself in a situation where men expect no-strings sex on the third date? <br /><br />3. I mention the horrors of dating atheists in my book. We start off thinking "Oh, St. Monica turned her atheist husband around" and we end up demoralized and crying. <br /><br />4. You are valuable. You are a 25 year old unmarried Catholic woman and therefore you are a precious jewel to be won by a good Catholic husband and not to be squandered for the entertainment of Mr Wrong.<br /><br />I will answer your question in my next post.Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-71083721609556507192010-08-28T03:56:42.912+01:002010-08-28T03:56:42.912+01:00Dearest Auntie,
Most of my friends can be pretty e...Dearest Auntie,<br />Most of my friends can be pretty easily classified into one of two categories: “Serious Catholics/Traditional Christians” and “Secular/Irreligious but Otherwise Lovely Folks.” I’m sure this is common for many people. No matter which group I am seeing, I try very hard to make sure my behavior/decorum/language/etc is the same with both, though I know I falter at this. Because I am of an age (25) where I am seeking/praying/exasperated for a spouse, I’m not interested in the “silly/casual dating” undertaken by so many of my secular friends. But there is a severe dearth of eligible men (ie not seminarians/discerners, not already engaged/married, not SSA) in my Catholic friend group. <br /><br />Meanwhile, my secular friends, both male and female, seem full of suggestions for guys they think I might like. Thus my conundrum: gentlemen suggested/met through my secular friends are seldom what I would deign “husband material.” They might be fun, witty, charming, handsome, intelligent, and successful on paper, but without the all-important cornerstone of common faith I cannot seriously imagine myself marrying such a person. I know, I know, St. Monica married a pagan and the marriage eventually produced St. Augustine. But if God wants me to be married, I dream of a spouse equally or more strong in his faith than I; a spiritually strong leader of our household on whom I can depend to help me get to heaven and remain accountable (and vice versa). So while “flirt to convert” might work for some ladies it’s not a path I’d choose for myself. I’ve been in relationships where I was the more spiritually mature of the couple and it was not something I’d ever want to do again. <br /><br />At the same time, though, I’ve yet to meet a young Catholic man with whom I share common faith, interests, and the all-important “spark,” and it’s not for lack of trying! I work at a parish, so I’m there all the time, but I’m also involved in all kinds of young adult events in the broader diocese and through alumni events and try to meet different people when I go new places, but thus far this searching hasn’t yielded any fruit. I know my job is to pray and be patient, but sometimes I don’t wonder if I shouldn’t just go out with one of the non-Catholics (or not-serious Catholics) my secular friends suggest. I work in religious education so I see the conflicts that “mixed” marriages produce, especially when it comes to raising children, so I’m loathe to even consider dating a non-serious-Catholic, but I feel like I’m out of options otherwise. Am I overthinking this?<br /><br />(on an unrelated note, I recently saw a movie called TiMER. It’s about digital matchmaking and very funny; I’d be interested in your take on it. It’s streaming on Netflix for those of us in the US, but I’m not sure about Scotland)Maggiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09398904417243102605noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-43567654138074819512010-08-27T18:58:20.475+01:002010-08-27T18:58:20.475+01:00I know this sounds really bizarre, but bear with m...I know this sounds really bizarre, but bear with me: you are actually sufficiently attuned to the distinctions between classes so that you don't run into the problem that other people do, i.e. confusing upper-middle class with rich. I also suspect that you, Seraphic, could be handed ten million pounds and would continue living your life exactly as you live it now, with perhaps a small pressie for your Inner Child. <br /><br />It's people who think differently who end up with all sorts of problems in their marriages.<br /><br /><i>But I have just put myself through a mental test, and the answer cheered me greatly: Would I be happy if my daughter (if I had one) married a boy from the nearby housing estate? And my first answer was, "Depends on the boy."</i><br /><br />Grew up in? or currently living in? I confess: I wouldn't care much about the former, but would be squeamish about the latter.theobromophilenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-52522129199487957752010-08-27T17:44:25.457+01:002010-08-27T17:44:25.457+01:00Victoria was young in the 1830s, however. Hopefull...Victoria was young in the 1830s, however. Hopefully we have moved on a little bit, and that women have figured out who to make their husbands feel like they bring more to the table than their paycheque. I think it is absolutely crucial to the self-esteem of both men that they work outside the home but...<br /><br />It would be great, absolutely fabulous, if every single man in the world automatically made more than any woman who fell in love with him, and that there were slightly-richer than, or paid-exactly-the-same, men for every woman. But this is not true, and it is especially not true for 36 year old Single women making 80K a year or more.<br /><br />Therefore women who make a ton of money have to understand that this is actually unusual for most people in the world, and men who marry women who makes more than them should remember that, too. <br /><br />Love is not a competition. Once marriage becomes a competition, love is over.Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-24821329140629377162010-08-27T17:29:51.763+01:002010-08-27T17:29:51.763+01:00Forgot- there was something I wanted to mention on...Forgot- there was something I wanted to mention on a previous post but hadn't.<br />In the movie, The Young Victoria, Victoria's aunt makes the very wise comment that runs something like: if a rich woman marries a poor man, he has to work twice as hard as any other man. It's something like that anyway, the point being that if a better-off woman marries a worse-off man, he's got to feel that he is bringing something valuable to the table and may indeed have to work twice as hard for people to notice or for himself to be able to see that his contribution is valuable too.bolyongokhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13547288783948465659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-90748499075705621822010-08-27T17:14:54.613+01:002010-08-27T17:14:54.613+01:00I had no idea that there was so much contention ab...I had no idea that there was so much contention about class still... I suppose my parents did a pretty good job bringing me up more or less egalitarian...<br />Of course I had their good example. My dad was the first person in his family to go to college and grew up on what was locally known as 'Murder Row'. He's been in the Civil Service for more than twenty years now and is one of two people in his high school graduating class currently alive and not in prison.<br />My mom went to college because it was expected of her and dropped out of grad-school to marry my dad, who had just taken five years to complete a four year engineering course.<br />None of their parents approved for a while and the resulting friction probably was a strain on the early part of their marriage. Then I and my brother were born and things got better.<br />Having gone to college, I'd like a college-educated husband, but failing that, I'd like one who solves things creatively and can do maths because I have a great fear and respect for lots of long numbers. Someone who can tame those is pretty much like a liontamer in terms of exoticness and appeal. ;) And if they find my whimsical, English-major way appealing, awesome!<br />As long as they're Catholic, pretty much everything else is negotiable.bolyongokhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13547288783948465659noreply@blogger.com