tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post8711457082380742942..comments2023-12-25T11:13:04.495+00:00Comments on Seraphic Singles: Too Picky?/Settling?Seraphichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-14673965023284732042012-09-18T02:04:27.665+01:002012-09-18T02:04:27.665+01:00Maybe it's different for everybody? I realize ...Maybe it's different for everybody? I realize this may sound very general and may not be enlightening, but perhaps there is something in the idea that it depends on your expectations?<br /><br />Some people feel they may be happy only with a 'soulmate' - and that very well may be true in their case, that only one person will ever make them happy.<br /><br />Other people, I feel, could be married to a few different kinds of people and still make it work.<br /><br />Others yet, who have grown up their whole life expected to be in arranged marriages, may really find that love develops after marriage, once they get to know each other and deepen their bond. An ex-boyfriend was Indian, his sisters (who had never left his province in India) were both in arranged marriages and they seemed genuinely happy - maybe because they had never expected the Western storybook head-over-heels kind of love.<br /><br />I have a problem with "the One" and the 'soulmate" thinking, because it can make you very picky and very guarded to people who might be outside of your expectations. Also, that kind of thinking is dangerous, because it can lead to worries that you have somehow scared off "The One" and you will never have a second chance. I feel our God is a God of second chances.Urszulahttp://whereismysuitcase.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-69962404531710939572012-09-17T13:21:21.610+01:002012-09-17T13:21:21.610+01:00Oh, I don't think spouses can't or shouldn...Oh, I don't think spouses can't or shouldn't be best friends. Not in the least. My parents are best friends.<br /><br />But your best friend doesn't have to be that "perfect match" with whom you're totally balanced out, who completely understands you, etc. Sarahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-19755464993119242852012-09-17T11:26:47.281+01:002012-09-17T11:26:47.281+01:00What Hauerwas said is in the article I linked to. ...What Hauerwas said is in the article I linked to. <br /><br />Good ideas in this combox about "soulmate" and friendship. The whole idea that your husband should be your "best friend" is extremely recent. And it is a bit dodgy, too, like when mothers say their babies are their "best friends" or "I'm more than a mother to my kids; I'm their FRIEND." Umm... Where to begin. <br /><br />Marriage is the social, sexual, economic and familial bond between a man and a woman, but after that, there are all kinds of marriages, including marriages arranged between strangers determined to make a go of it because "that is their culture" and other marriages of convenience. <br /><br />I have a very high respect for marriages that follow the "Mm..mm..magic" moment so mentioned and celebrated in "Sleepless in Seattle," and that's what mine followed (with the caveat that I had the brains/good luck/blessing to feel that way with a good, moral, ethical, God-fearing, gainfully employed, good-humoured, amiable man my age). But I recognized that there are all sorts of other marriages that work quite satisfactorily. <br /><br /> Seraphichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251504033428511090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-74508846194425098292012-09-16T15:33:24.459+01:002012-09-16T15:33:24.459+01:00Oooh, this is highly appropriate:
http://www.yout...Oooh, this is highly appropriate:<br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE<br /><br />"Your love is one in a million/you couldn't buy it at any price/but of the 999,999 other loves/statistically some of them would be equally nice." <br /><br />I don't believe in soul mates. I believe God may have one specific person in mind for you, and if you follow God's Will, you'll find them. But I don't believe in the whole "perfect match" thing. <br /><br />I do, however, agree with American (not) in Deutschland, because I think friendships are generally undervalued, and that I have found better "matches" in the sense of what people usually think is reserved for "soul mates" in friends. Sarahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-89014780533719430672012-09-16T06:05:58.112+01:002012-09-16T06:05:58.112+01:00Grr. My comment just got erased. Just wanted to s...Grr. My comment just got erased. Just wanted to say I agree very much with Mary Jane and american!<br />I think marriages and friendships and all kinds of relationships are like works of art, as are souls: unique. Some are light and bright and colourful and some have more shadows but do not lack harmony or truth or redemption.Alishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08803069677860028673noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-90236575291829139072012-09-16T00:19:24.971+01:002012-09-16T00:19:24.971+01:00Wait, what did Hauerwas say? I'm curious now....Wait, what did Hauerwas say? I'm curious now.Rachelhttp://www.xanga.com/bitkinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-83830603210902294332012-09-15T19:16:56.030+01:002012-09-15T19:16:56.030+01:00Haha, I read that piece last night and like Auntie...Haha, I read that piece last night and like Auntie Seraphic's counterpoint. It seemed to me that the article was written for a particular sort of guy who has a tendency to objectify women, not in the classic sense of sexual objectification, but in a more extended sense: and this is the kind of guy who subconsciously expects a woman to be a sort of glorified (and sexy, I expect) personal assistant who can anticipate his every need and desire. On the other hand, the sane and more dignified thing to desire in a spouse is PARTNERSHIP, someone you can partner with to get along the business of living life; that looks different for different people. I don't object to the reality check, though, that even in the happiest marriages there is friction--and that maybe when we say "perfect for me" we really might be envisioning something closer to "flat out perfect" that we admit to ourselves.Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06221464682706193091noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-9394258986199543792012-09-15T18:54:50.427+01:002012-09-15T18:54:50.427+01:00american (not) in deuschtland, your point about a ...american (not) in deuschtland, your point about a soulmate being more a friend less of a romantic lover is a really good one. I can think of one female friend who is like a sister to me, and she seems much more like a "soulmate" than any man I will probably find, in the sense of really understanding me in ways that do not require a lot of explanation. We also share many formative life experiences, despite not having met until our twenties. <br /><br />I doubt any man will have enough intuition to complete my sentences, at least not until after many years of marriage. Maybe a lot of women want a man who will be their "soulmate" in the sense of intuition, but men are rarely intuitive, so then women feel frustrated (?).MaryJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-60653508626971071552012-09-15T18:21:13.565+01:002012-09-15T18:21:13.565+01:00I got from his explanations that he WAS saying &qu...I got from his explanations that he WAS saying "soulmate" meant "the One" that you have to find or live forever substandard. Or the idea that a spouse should be a matching puzzle piece, however you dream them up, perfectly calibrated to meet you pro for con. I agree that young people should distance themselves from that kind of theoreticizing. "Only the concrete is good"!<br /><br />I personally think of "soulmate" more like "someone who not-necessarily-romantically has shared a deep experience with you and understands you in a way that doesn't take tons of explanation," and tend to think that way of people like my twin sister.american (not) in deutschlandnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-16882539607998036822012-09-15T17:22:46.099+01:002012-09-15T17:22:46.099+01:00I'm with him -- I don't believe in soulmat...I'm with him -- I don't believe in soulmates. I wrote a blog post once defending this point, saying that my husband and I are not actually all that compatible ... and he asked me to take it down because he thought it "made him sound like jerk." I thought it was complimentary, but I guess that's just one more way we aren't compatible, huh? At any rate, I did take it down, because as you say bloggers have to be considerate of their spouses.<br /><br />I mean, personality tests say I should be with, I can't remember, an INFJ? Or an ENFJ? Or something else my husband isn't. He's like one trait away from that "ideal." I have to admit that instead of his faults being those exact faults which are most complimented by my virtues and vice versa, we each have several faults that the other finds annoying as heck. But we are ALSO madly in love with each other, and on all the crucial stuff he's exactly the kind of guy I want and need -- introverted, responsible, detail-oriented, intellectual, hard-working, family-focused.<br /><br />On the other hand, oddly enough, I wonder if I am my husband's soul mate. Whereas I am very easy to please and get along with anyone, he's sort of prickly and couldn't be happy with anyone but a very specific kind of person ... a person like me. So maybe it's true that some of us have soul mates and some don't.<br /><br />I think the soul mate ideal gives some people the impression that they can be happy and get along with their spouse with zero effort, or else they're the wrong person. And no matter how soul-matey you are with someone, it's still gonna take some work. My marriage perhaps takes more work than most, because we are incompatible in some ways. I wonder sometimes, "What was I thinking, marrying a neat freak? Didn't I know I would NEVER be able to keep the house up to his standards?" But on the other hand, isn't the effort helpful to me -- even if it does spark a few fights?<br /><br />I suppose people don't like to hear from a married woman, "I could have been married to and happy with someone else." Still less for me to admit I might have had it easier with someone else. But that doesn't mean that NOW, I would trade him for anything. I love him and I wouldn't have him any different. You don't see me asking to trade in my parents or my kids. Once you love someone and commit to them, it doesn't matter so much what faults you find in them.<br /><br />My husband likes to speculate, "Maybe if you'd waited longer, you might have found someone better." And I say, "But I didn't want to wait longer. I met you and the rest was kind of a moot point." I knew he was what I wanted, even though he wasn't "perfect for me." And anyway, how likely is it that I could have found a guy who shared every single one of my interests and had every single personality trait I get along with best?Sheilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10853868724554947854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-31837902933337084812012-09-15T14:26:01.778+01:002012-09-15T14:26:01.778+01:00What do you think about the commenter on that blog...What do you think about the commenter on that blog who said something like "just as no one is perfect, no one is perfect FOR ME"? I have a friend who has been struggling with whether her current boyfriend is enough of a good match for her - they get along quite well and she says she's happy with him, but that he lacks certain qualities that she had wanted in a husband (mostly shared interests, which seems low on the importance scale to me personally). Based on my friends who have gotten happily married, it seems that this question of "but am I settling?" is not even on the radar when the right guy comes along. For me I guess it's hard to imagine how that would look, since I haven't experienced it yet. How is a person supposed to balance those expectations between idealism and reality? Or is it really true that when the right person comes along, it's just that clear?Mustard Seednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6905236167079601771.post-78606629374272927662012-09-15T10:53:20.046+01:002012-09-15T10:53:20.046+01:00Two things: first, someone once told me that Chest...Two things: first, someone once told me that Chesterton said that whomever you marry is your soulmate. As in, "soulmate" status is retroactive. I think this is certainly worth considering.<br /><br />Second, many years ago a friend and I were discussing whether or not "the one" existed, or whether there were many/a few people with whom marriage would be quite possible. (And similarly so for religious orders.) She suggested that perhaps for some people, there really is a "one" and for others, there might be a variety of options, all good, of course. I think this is a valid suggestion because it is commensurate with what I have heard from married people. Some are convinced that they only could have married their spouse, and others think that it is possible they could have married (a hypothetical) someone else, but they are very happy to be married to the concrete person they actually did marry. One friend who was engaged to a different man before her current husband tells me that she could have married the previous fiance, and they probably would have had a happy marriage, but she is MUCH happier with her current husband than she ever could have been with the other man.<br /><br />I think the "soulmate" category is usually hypothetical and therefore not always helpful. "Perfect FOR ME" is much more concrete and therefore accessible. Discerning hypotheticals is impossible. One can only discern realities, and asking, "is he perfect FOR ME?" is question more rooted in reality than, "is he my soulmate?".MaryJanenoreply@blogger.com