Into the Wilds of Scotland

Well, poppets, B.A. and I are taking our house guests into the wilds of Fife for New Year's, and we will have a fire in the hearth (at last!), but no internet access. It will be a week of sitting around reading and Polish lessons and driving hither and thither to see this and that and admiring passing sheep.

But this means that I will not be able to read your emails until next Sunday at the earliest. It also means that the Inner Child won't be able to continue her 100,000 word epic until January 6.

Meanwhile, don't forget that I am coming to the USA in February, and so far my stops are Pittsburgh PA (only half an hour from Steubenville, hint, hint) and Washington DC. And there will be the annual Seraphic Singles Valentine's Day meeting in Toronto, Canada on February 14.

Have a lovely week, and remember all that stuff about a kiss on New Year's Eve/Day is base superstition and anyway I am sure kisses from your mothers count. One New Year's Eve after Vigil Mass I got a smacking kiss on the cheek from a cheerful (and cheeky) young Jesuit, and I am sure that counted.

Don't bother staying up until midnight or going to a party unless you really want to. I suspect B.A.'s and my Single friends in Edinburgh are waiting until we are gone so they can discuss their own wild Singles' New Year's Eve plans freely and without me wailing about marginalized Marrieds.

Finally, sincere thanks and virtual kisses to the 110 readers who bought copies of Ceremony of Innocence before Christmas Eve, particularly the librarian who made her library order it in and display it in an advantageous place. When I think of all the things readers do on my behalf, I am reminded of Dumbledore's Army--or Fight Club!

were we left off with new stuff

hello it is me the inner child and now i must akt fast before the gests wayk up and seraphic begins washing dishes agane. i must hav isolayshun to rite i am lyk greta garbo in mor ways than 1. anyway heer is the epeesode yuo hav been with bayted breth been wayting for:

the bodis riper
part third
chapter 5

proodens x-amined herself in the glass as her hostess enormuslie fat and red-fased laydies mayd artful last-minit arranjements to her kurls. she was unshur abowt the nekkline of her bewtiful bloo evening gown becos altho it was very fashunabel so fastidyus a scotch clergiman as hewbert mite think it rood.

'i think mrs harvey' she sed 'that i shud ware my lays after all.'

'not a bit of it mam' sed mrs harvey 'lawks. it wud be a pitie to rooin the lyn.'

'o deer' sed proodens. 'i doant want to rooin the lyn. but also i do not want to gyv hew--mr robinson a hart attak.'

'do not worrie yorself on his akkownt mam' sed wikked harvey 'i am shur that eevn wen he is in his rite mynd--wich the poor man is not--the hon the rev mr hewbert robinson never notises such fripperie detayls as that. wy they tell me he is a very pius man.'

'yes that is troo' sed proodens britening. 'and he must by now seen other laydies waring the noo fasshun so he must be over any shokk.’

'indeed' sed mrs harvey and put in a final pin 'ther now. how very well you look mam. i am shur it will gladden the revernds hart to see you.'

and indeed it wud hav gladened the hart of any of proodens admirers to see her on this occayshun as the afternoons x-ersise her gown and mrs harveys x-pert hairdressing had put her in her best looks. her brown curls shone and her eies were as softlie bloo as her dress and thikklie fringed by long dark eielashes gudnees how lukky to hav them in the dayz befor maskara was respektabel. her lips were nachurally pink and a faint blush tinged her cheeks as she nervusly thot of the invalid down the hall. in short she was a brunette bombshell of the sort that cud mayk a tender maskulin hart simplie stop ded and if you rekall a few chapters bakk that was what the invalids eevil sister clementyn was hoaping for.

innosent proodens got up from the chair befor the vanity and cleered her throte.

'that will do thank you mrs harvey. wud you be so kind as to convey me to the sickroom?'
mrs harvey likked her lips.

'sertainly mam' she sed. 'plees follow me.'

she led proodens down the gloomie lamp-lit hall and opened a door. she stood bakk and nodded her hed. proodens took hold of her skirts and went softlie in.

the room was but dimmlie lit by the candelite but as the candels were mostlie arownd the 4 poster bed proodens cud see qwyte cleerlie the tall leen figgur of a man . it was hewbert indede--there was no mistayking the firey eiebrows if the firey lokks rufflie tumbled on the pillo were less familyar. indeed it seemed to proodens that apart from the dooel she had not seen hewbert without his wigg for yeers and yeers and in trooth never seen him without his clerikal stokk. it strukk her forsiblie that she had never before seen his throt nakked to the elements but ther it was.

such an expanse of hewbertian skin--tho of corse a lot smaller than the expanse of skin wimmen habitchually displayed--mayd proodens feel a trifel stranj. she had to suppress an impuls to run away before she advansed.

tho soft her step was herd by the invalid hoo raysed his hed from the pillows.

'whos that?' he weeklie demanded.

'only I' sed the girl. 'o hewbert--its me proodens!'

'proodens!' cryed the invalid and he struggeled up onto his elbos. 'impossibel! how can this be? hav you fallen into my sisters power? or is this sum trik?'

his voys took on a harsh note prooden had never herd. she hung bakk startled.

'come closer' sed hewbert 'i can barelie see you in the shadows.'

proodens obedientlie stepped into the lite. and there befor him was the site for wich hewbert had simultaneouslie longed and suffered--the site that had first won his hart in a feeld and then overset his reeson in the pixie kirk and then distraked him so much that charles had managed to run him throo. it was laydie proodens pewsey and she smyled. she held forward her littel hand in greeting and hewberts hart stopped ded.

but it is a happie fakt that humman lyf is not primarilie the provvins of medikal sciens but of the Most Hi and watever the predikshuns of a harley street fysishun it was not the will of provvidens that hewbert shud drop ded at this partikular moment. thus almost immediatelie after hewberts hart stopped ded it rebooted and insted of dying hewbert took prudens hand in his.

'littel prudens' he murmured.

'not so littel' sed proodens. 'i hav bene presented at cort now and am qwyt grown-up.'

'in that cays i must offer you a seet' sed hewbert not tayking his dark eyes from her fays nor his hand from hers. 'proodens i kan scarslie beleev it. are you a halloosinayshun?'

'no indede' sed proodens. 'at leest i doant think so as i am not x-achuallie shur wat a halloosinayshun is. but i am proodens and i am heer and o hewbert i am so happie to see you. but are you so verrie verrie ill?'

'not now' sed hewbert. 'but i suppose they hav told you that i hav gone mad?'

'yes' sed proodens in a low voys 'but i doant cayr becos i am mad too.'

she blushed deep red in the candlelight and her hart rased like a raindrop splatered against a window by the wind. ther was a note of strayn in her voys and hewbert looked at her wonderinglie.

'wat do you meen my deer?'

'o' sed proodens. 'just wat i sed and i hav bene so unhappie becos i cud not tell anyone but i thot i cud tell you becos you are so klever and so holy and maybe cud think of wat to do.'

'i am not shur i understand' sed hewbert tho feers too shaymful to be naymed gripped his hart. 'but of corse you may tell me anything and i will help you in any way i can.'

'well' sed proodens and took a deep breth. 'i think i am possessed.'

'by wat?' asked the clergiman.

'by another girl' sed proodens in a lo voys. 'o hewbert it is aweful. sumtimes i am so happie i cry but then i am often miserabul and i cry agane and haf of the tym i want to kill mamma stone ded and the other haf of the tym i think of men wich i am shur must be bad but it is not me doing it it is this noo proodens hoo livs in my hed and distrakts me from my old pursoot of studying elefants.'

she gayzed at him with a frank and angwished look and if hewbert hadnt fallen in luv with her ages ago he wud hav fallen in luv with her now.

'deer proodens' sed hewbert 'that is not possession that is adolesens.'

'watever it is i doant lyk it' sed proodens 'and i hav bene terrifyed lest mamma and papa fynd out. they think i will be rooined if i tawk abowt elefants in companie imajin if sosietie fynds out i am insayn.'

'but you are not insayn' sed hewbert. 'this is just wat happens to girls. and in a different way to boys too. i was just lyk that wen i was yore ayj and it was hell.'

a look of sheer releef passed over proodens fays.

'reelie hewbert? is that troo?'

'absolootelie troo' sed hewbert. 'it is just one more result of the fall of our unhappy first parrents from grays. as we leev behynd childhood innosens we are punished with an x-sess of humors wich skrambel our brayns and altho it is wummans unhappy lot to be the more skrambeled as eeve incurred the grater penaltie her brayns unscrambel first. yewshuallie after havving a baybie or 2.'

'o' sed proodens blushing agane. 'is that the cure?'

'akkording to aristotel it is the cure for all femayl complaynts' sed hewbert suddenlie feeling he had sed too much.'altho i do not claym to be an x-pert on that. you will hav to ask your mamma.'

'gudness' sed proodens 'i wudnt dayr. im not supposed to kno abowt the fakts of lyf and if mamma knew i even sed 'fakts of lyf' to you she wud punish me seveerlie.'

but hewbert wasnt lissening any more for he had remembered something and the memory made his hart stop and start so much that it reallie is a gud thing it is provvidens and not sciens in charj.

'wich men?" he asked.

'wat?' sed proodens nervuslie.

'of wich men do you think' sed the rev. the hon. mister hewbert robinson 'or do yore thots run on them in jeneral?'

'o' sed proodens. 'plees pardon me hewbert but noo proodens say i shudnt tell you. deer me the very x-ens of n-glish sosietie seems to be not saying wat you reallie think. wen sumone says 'how are you' you must always say 'fine' and never 'terribul' and when someone offers you a third pastrie you must say 'no' and never 'yes' and if you think of men you must never ever ever say so. maybe you shud forget that part hewbert plees.'

'i doant think i can' sed hewbert and his pore overwirked hart valvs sqweezed open and shut like a creekie gayt. 'i appeel to the old proodens-littel proodens--the proodens who so luvs elefants and trooth. pleez proodens. tell me.'

'o well hewbert' sed proodens and blushed lyk fyr, 'reelie o i hoap yuo are not too angrie it is mostly abowt yuo.'


holie krap heer is hilarie in the sittingroom i hav to go. bludy hell what tyming. bakk as soon as poss.

Seraphic is Going to Tour Part of America

I will be in Pittsburgh from February 4 (approx.) and in Washington D.C. on February 10, 11 & 12. While I am in Pittsburgh, I will have the opportunity to go to Steubenville for a day.

Therefore, if anyone in Pittsburgh, Washington D.C. or Steubenville would like to organize an event (or events) for me to speak at, I am indeed available. Naturally I would appear with boxes of books to flog to your beautiful friends and fellow Catholics and great would be the rejoicing at Ignatius and Liguori.

My email is seraphicsingles@yahoo.com. This is pretty well a once in a blue moon opportunity, as I live in the UK, and go to Canada only once a year, and to the USA very rarely! And now I must inform PR people who are probably not in the office, as it is still Christmas.

super kontrovershal chapter

hello it is me the inner child with my super kontrovershal chapter at last. nobody giv me a hard tym it is called the bodis-riper you kno. my outer adult says i hav to tell the sensitiv not to reed it so DOANT REED IT SENSITIV PEEPLE!if yuo throo up waching danjerus liaysons yuo cant reed this it will upset yuo for shur. howevr it was tym to show how wikked sir nik is becos yuo were liking him too much just lyk peeple with lovelace in clarissa.

ok here it is


bodis-riper!
part three
chpater 4


sir nikkolas cameron did not usuallie mayk calls on horsbak. altho not wat you wud call a tulip of the ton he preferred to aryv at his destinayshun all fresh and cool and in a kleen shirt. but on this okkayshun he went strait to grovenor sqware smyling a littel grimmlie to himself. wen he reeched pewsie huose he gayv his horse strait into the cayr of a sharp-eyed staybel boy and asended the front steps.
he swept off his hat as mr mcauliffe opened the door. the late sun glinted on his birnished hed.

'afternoon mr mcauliffe. i tayk it ahem that his nibs is still at his klub?'

'his lordship has not yet returned sir nikkolas' sed the butler a shayd repressively. 'if sir nikkolas wud prefer to return---.'

'sir nikkolas wud prefer nothing of the sort' sed the blond yuoth stepping over the threshold. 'i assoom the laydies are hoam.'

'if sir nikkolas wud kayr to follow me to the bloo sitting room i will see if her laydieship is at hoam.'

'the red' sed sir nikkolas.

mr mcauliffe blinked.

'i beg yore pardon sir nikkolas?'

'the red sitting room' sed sir nikkolas 'i hav a fansie for the red sitting room today. i cant tell you wy reallie. it cot my eye the other day and i thot 'ah for a cup of tee in the red sitting room'. all the turkish watnots you kno. oriental oppewulens. i am sure ladie grunestayne wud not objekt.'

'the red sitting room is a trifle out of the way sir nikkolas'.

'not a partikel' lyed sir nikk cheerfullie. 'and i kollekt it has a dumwaiter. i so adore a dumwaiter. the tuoch of a bell the slyde of a door and lo and behold a steeming tee servis awayts! so much eesier on ones staff i think. yes mr mcauliffe leed me to the red sitting room.'

'very well sir nikkolas' sed mr mcauliffe.

'good man' sed sir nikkolas.

noos of sir nikkolas camerons occupayshun of the red sitting room was brot to laydie grunestayn as she played with her infant children in the nurserie. she looked up with a suprised expression and her hands flew to her tousled blond hair. it was in a stayt.

'the red sitting room mr mcauliffe?'

'at sir nikkolas request yore laydieship. he seems to hav a fansy for the eestern curios. and ahem the dumwaiter.'

'the dumwaiter?'

'he fansies the idee of a pot of tee sent up in the dumwaiter your laydieship. sir nikkolas appears to be in a wimsikal fraym of mynd.'

'very well' sed the cowntess getting up.'but it is a pity proodens is not here to reseev him. send mrs rees to my chaymber we must tidie my hare.'

mr mcauliffe bowed but lingered. he coffed in an apologetik way. hermione looked at him suprised.

'as laydie proodens is outwith the huose wud yore ladyship prefer an alternativ femayl attendant? i beleev madame de la curtain is in the skoolroom. perhaps i cud---?'

'perhaps you cud not be so sillie' sed the cowntess and a blush krept up her fays. 'reelie mr mcauliffe. i will tayk it as a grate unkindness if you fors me to remynd you that women of a sertane ayj and kondishun hav no need of femayl attendants in our own sitting-rooms. ther is i asshur you nothing amiss in my reseeving my dotter's suitor as between ourselvs mcauliffe i beleev him to be.'

'aye yore laydieship' sed mr mcauliffe woodenlie.

'in fakt' sed the cowntess britening 'i wonder if he does not have sum motiv for choosing such an isolated spot! depend upon it he wishes to consult me about his hoaps for proodens! o grayshus! at last! send rees to me and then tell the staff to stay striklie away from the red sitting room. i will not hav the footmen gawping and giggling over sir nikkolas's most tender sentiments. and tell cook to prepare a pot of tee!'

'aye yore laydieship' sed the butler and went away with hevy hart as his mistress ceded the nurserie to the mayds and floo up the stayrs to her chaymber. the guid old man went down the stairs and along the passage and along another passage to the red chamber.

it was rather an x-siting room with great turkey carpets and brass samovars with are akschuallie russhan but saym diffrens and curious red chaise longues and gold fraymed bits of arabian calligrafy on the walls. it was a perfekt if slitely outdayted bit of 18th century orientalism edward said wud hav had a fit but hoo cayrs? he hadnt been borned yet and i beleev he is ded now.

anyway it was a prettie sexxy room one way or another and had no windows and therefore sooted sir nikk perfektlie altho not mr mcauliffe hoo looked coldlie upon him and sed that if her ladieship rekwired asistans all she had to do was ring the bell. then the loyal butler disappeered to sit in servants hall by his end of the bell wire and fret.

nikk sipped a glass of claret and as he leened on the marbel chimneypees he luiked meditatively into the fyr.

'o my deer sir nikk' came a voys of gladness from the doorway. the yuong man tirned. laydie grunestayn clad in the outmoded edinburrah fasshun that best suited her buxom not to say fat figgur was looking uncommonly well. altho of corse the dowayjer cowntess of paisley had grosslie exajjerated the level to wich proodens mamma approximated an objektiv standard of femayl beewtie she was konfident and smyling wich my outer adult says is 1/2 the battel. and if to be honest laydie grunestayne wud ever only apeel to a nishe market hers was the nishe market in wich sir nikkolas prefered to shop.

he lifted his hed from his balancing hand by way of greeting.

'good evening laydie grunestayn' he said.

he drank a sip of claret.

'good evening good evening' carolled hermione as she shut the door behind her. 'is it evening? i thot it were still afternoon. anyway that is of no matter becuz--dear dear sir nikkolas--our proodens has been--how best shall i say this?--has been x-onerayted from anything unplesant! the dear dear dowajer duchess of paislie has seen fit to aknowlej her. to reseev her! in fakt at this very moment my dear sir nikkolas proodens is driving with her grays in the park. or no-- perhaps by now they gave gone to her grases huose for an erlie supper. so altho it is a pity proodens is not heer this evening you must be very glad that our littel skan--our little unplesantness will no longer attach itself to our innosent dotter.'
sir nikk inclined his hed slitely and smyled darkly.

'i fesilitayt you' he said.

something in his tone brot laydy grunestayne up short. her smile faltered dimmed and bekaym artifishal. she noted that sir nikkolas had not remooved his elbow from the marbel chimneypiese and that he was still in riding clothes. his shirt looked as if it had been worn for more than half an hour. his usually sleek hair was awry as if he had been running his hands throo it. and the habichually soft look in his eies had been replased by sumthing almost marshal.
not knowing wat else to do the cowntess sat on a chaise longue.

'wont you sit down?' she sed.

sir nikk took his elbow from the chimneypiese and sat down on the chaise longue across from lady grunestayne. it was not very far from lady grunestayn and as he continooed to gaze at her she began to feel uncomfortable.

it had been the regrettable habit of the layt erls grandfather to smoke opium in that very chamber with his best freind each reclining on a chaise longue as they smoked and chatted about increesingly stoopid stuff. altho terrifik mesures had been tayken to remove evry evidence of the noxios substans lady grunestayn suddenly felt as tho there were still a trays of it in the air.

'so wat was it?' asked sir nikk at last.

'i beg yore pardon?'

'the reeson for the dewl' sed this strange new sir nikk of the hard eyes and messy hare. 'if it wasnt proodens and my dear--laydie grunestayne--i dont know if you know this but i was present--i wud lyk to know wat—or hoo—it was.'

laydie grunestayne began to feel that her konstriktiv bodis had been a bit of a mistayke. she cud feel the strings of her korset cutting into her bak as she struggeled to master her breething.

'my deer sir nikkolas' she murmured. 'i dont qwite--i dont qwite understand.'

'you do not giv yourself enuff kredit' sed the yuoth. 'how often hav i herd that laydie grunestayn had an understanding above all her sexx? a man's brane--a woman's hart. so i hav always beleeved. and so i beleev now. come come my deer. tell me all about it. hewbert was indiskreet was he? but of corse he wud be. he laks my tactical abilities. and of cors he is a friteful plonker.'

laydie grunestayn tryed to stand but cud not.

'i beg yore pardon' she murmured. 'my maid...my salts...the bell...'

'drink this' said sir nikkolas and thrust his glass across the short distance between them. 'and dont feel you must mayk a show of having the vapors for my sayk. my deer girl i cudnt be mor pleesed. well' he amended 'not pleesed xactlie. pleesed is the rong word. i did not want to that kno it had been done but i sertanelie wondered if it cud be done and now thanks to my deer deer cuzzin i kno.'
hermione drank with shaking hands. she was as wyt as a sheet. again she tryed to rys but cud not.

'there is sertanely some mistayk' she murmured. 'i am at a loss...you cannot meen... you cannot think... shurely you cannot think that...oh but how ridikulus... i and hewbert...how cud such a thing be beleeved? hewbert and i?!'

she looked up to meet sir nikks implacable stayr.

'a very credibel performance my deer' he sed and stood up. the cowntess wached as he crosed to a side taybel and pored another glass of claret. 'a very credibel performans indeed. yes it must hav been hewbert who slipped. got the wind up probablie and blabbed. and how very unforchunate for you havving to liv with the outraged husband. or is he outraged? perhaps hes the kind who puts up a good show but doesnt reallie care. wonderful! nisi dominus frustrat--that's the tikket.'

hermione shut her eyes. the wine had put sum colour bak into her fase. now she summoned all her strength to speek.

'sir nikkolas' she said loudlie and her fine voyse crakked. 'you are under a misapprehenshun sir. do not speek to me in that fashun!'

she opened her eyes to see sir nikkolas put down his glass. the yuong man strode across the carpet and threw himself down at her feet. he took her shaking hands in his own, grasping them titelie.

'hermione' he sed and his voys rasped with passhun 'tayk pitie on me!'

laydie grunestayne becaym ever more konschus that she mite swune.
'sir nikkolas....'

'nikkolas! i beg you.'

'nikkolas then' she amended fayntlie. 'i kan onlie assoom that you hav bene partie to some fuol rumor...sum owtrayguos lybel...that you hav been sadlie led astray by sum enemie...for i kannot understand how you cud possiblie beleev that i wud ever...o nikkolas nikkolas shurely nothing in my deportment cud ever hav led you to think i wud be so week so crayven as to--.'

'not week' cried nikk and after a rapid kalkewlayshun lowered his voys to a throaty throb. 'not crayven. mersiful.! if after being in yor pressens for so long---after havving the privilej to be so often neer you---to see you---to heer your voys---cuzzin hewbert were to akt on his feelings and you were--after a battel with the bonds of tyrannus convenshun--to tayk pitie on him--i wud not blaym but onor you for now it is i--i nikkolas--hoo am at a such a stand!'

hermiones heart gave her a partikularlie painful thud.

'but wat kan you meen?' she cryed.

nikkolas got up from his knees and still grasping her plump bejooled hands sat besyd her on the chaise longue. the cowntess shrank against the bakk.

'you kno very well what i meen' he growled.

'i kollekt' sed poor hermione hoo was now seeing spots befor her eies 'that you are under the impreshun that you...that you...luv...me but i kannot for the lyf of me--.'

'impreshun!?' cryed nikk and his long slim fingers let go their steely grip on the cowntess hands to fasten rufflie around her shulders. her sleevs were of rather a thin and x-pensive silk and she feered they mite rip. 'nowlej! konvikshun! sins first i saw you in the park i hav been yore unwilling slayv madam!'

his voys krakked and he knew that he was no longer akkting but that he spoke trooth and also that he was angrie.

'even if i were mistayken about you and hewbert--and my informant madam is a very credibel one--it still remanes that you hav cast a web over me and that for some time i hav been unabel to think on any wumman but you.'

'but proodens' sqweeked hermione and her hart jolted with horror as she herd a seem in the back of her bodis rip.

'proodens!' exklaymed sir nikk with disgust. 'a child! grunestayns chyld! wat hav i do to with such a child as that? i reqwire a wumman a reel wumman with a wummans hart and a wummans passhun and a wummans bodie!'

and he krushed hermione agaynst him and rained feers kisses on her heeving boosum.

this of all things worked as a restorativ tonik to the wummans reeling senses.

'how dayr you?" gasped laydie grunestane and slapped sir nikk with all her mite.
shokked he releesed his hold and sat bakk. hermione wached transfixxed as he slowly turned his fase and retirn her gaze. the bloo of his eies was almost entirely eklipsed by his blayzing blak dilayted pewpils.

'termagant' he sed and slapped her bakk.

'ah!' skreemed the cowntess. the blow felled her to the karpet

'too kan play at that gaym' sed sir nikk grimmlie 'and i ashur you madam that i kan hit harder than you'.

'help' cryed hermione and wud hav scrambled up were it not for sir nikks foot impeeding her gown. 'let me go you broot!'

she espied he rwine glass and threw it at his hed. the hevy krystal cot him just abuv the eie and he yelped in payn. with a hideeus ripping noyse hermione renched away from the skirt trapped under the tyrannus boot and lunjed for the bellpull.

'wich!' sed sir nikk getting up and grabbing her by the bodis 'you will not s-cayp me so eesilie.'
blud dripped into his eie stinging it and momentarilie blinding him. he put his foot on hermiones titelie laysed back and wiped his fays with the bakk of his hand.

'help help' cryed hermione. she thrust out a hand for the fireplace tools but seezed not the poker but the brush. she pulled and the stand kaym crashing down.

'o no you dont' sed the young man. he dropped to his knees and tried to rench the brush from hermiones hand.

'this is wat you call luv is it' sed hermione bitterlie as she held on to the iron handel with all her mite. 'you are an animal sir a broot beest!'

'all men are at hart broot beests' sed sir nikk as he pryed her fingers from the iron. 'and you shud hav thot of that madam befor you allowed me in yor presens aloan.'

hermione suddenlie relaxed her grip and making a fist struck her knuckles backwards with all her strength katching her attaker in the teeth. he kursed and fell bakwards agaynst the chaise longue. it slid bakk akroos the floor. with a sob of releef hermione flung herself forward and grasped the bellpull. deeply shakken she tottered to her feet and grasped the chimney pees for support. her hand was deeplie cut it bled.

sir nikk--his fase streeming with blud--gazed at her angrilie from the floor for a moment and then--to her surprise and horror--began to laff.
'my deer girl' he sed. 'you havvent the leest idea wat you look lyk rite now hav you?'
hermione looked from him to her torn dress and white petticotes and her eies filled with teers of rayg.
nikk poked a finger in his muoth and tested his teeth. altho his muoth was blodie his teeth remaned in plays.

'well thats something,' he sed cheerfullie and got up. taking a red lether cays from his pokket he x-trakted a siggar. he wyped his gory fays on his hankerchif and approached the fireplays.

'keep bakk' cryed hermione.

'my deer' sed the man reproovingly and putting his siggar into his muoth dukked his hed into the fyr. the cowntess stayred as he took his head bakk out siggar alite between his lipps.

'ill show myself out' he sed 'you may want to tidy up befor yore butler arryvs. peeple are so prone to think the worst.'

hermione cluched the marbel under her fingers.

'my husband sir will hav you horswipped on the stayrs of yore klub.'
sir nikkolas held his handkerchif to his bleeding eiebrow.

'do you think so my darling? i konfess i do not shayr yore veiw. after all you hav bene qwyt qwyt aloan with me and are in a stayt of parshul undress and--as i sed--peeple are so prone to think the worst.'
at last hermione fainted. she wud hav crashed to the harth had sir nikk not stepped forward and cot her. with a somewhat wistful glans at her boosum he propped her up against the marbel. then he pikked up his hankerchif looked arowd the room for any forgoten artikles and heded for the door. as he renched it open he perceeved a mr mcauliffe outside. the butler was brethless he had run.

'ah mcauliffe' sed sir nikk slipping the servant a guinea coin.'good man. glad to see you. her ladyship has swuned. see to that wont you?'
mcauliffe opened and shut his muoth lyk a goldfish in distress and looked from the young mans bloody fase to the room beyond.

'my lady!'

'exit the yung man' sed sir nikkolas and made a beeline for the bakk stayrs.

Sorry So Late

Sorry! Life intervened. Story tomorrow plus exciting announcement re: travel plans.

Not Alone, Not Childless This Christmas

I have been cooking all day. Actually, I have been cooking for two days. Almost without a rest. It has been intense, but that's what happens when you are a Spiritual Mother in charge of both Polish Christmas Eve supper and Canadian-British Christmas dinner.

But all day I have been thinking about you, my Single readers, and when I will get a chance to write to you about being Single at Christmas, as I was for a long time indeed. And I am just a tiny fallible mortal woman on an island thinking of you, so imagine how Almighty God is thinking about you right now, and knowing everything you think and feel and, well, everything about you. And Christmas is all about how much He cares for you and me, so much that He took on our humanity, which is staggering to think of, especially when you think of what humanity is like. Mine has a pain in its back and pierogi dough under its fingernails.

And this pierogi dough is because my Pretend Daughter Marta (who is actually not that much younger than me really) is here for Christmas. She is a Pole, and therefore I am making Wigilia supper in her honour. And this makes me happy (if tired) because it means that in my small way I am someone's mother for Christmas. In fact, Marta is the youngest so she is the "star child" in the Polish Wigilia traditions. And now I am going to wrap her present, this being my break before the great ACTUAL COOKING of everything that needs to be served hot. Meanwhile, there will be another Single here for this supper, and at least two other Singles (with Marta) at Christmas dinner tomorrow---well, one is a priest, but he is far from his family, so I think he counts as a Single at Christmas.

So what is my message on this happy, tired night? Well, it is to enjoy the Christmas that you have as much as you can, whatever your circumstance may be. IF you are 100% alone with yourself, remember that we are never alone because Emmanuel, God is with us. And if you are with others, be truly present to the others, and be especially nice to whoever is cooking. See if they need dishes washed or something. Forgive them if they bite you, and praise their efforts!

Anyway, a very happy Christmas to you all, and the Inner Child will be back with her controversial chapter on Boxing Day.

XOXOX
Auntie Seraphic

P.S. Błogławionych Świat Bozego Narodzenia i Szcześliwego Nowego Roku! Serdecznie pozdrawiam z Edynburga!

yet another bakk chapter

hey ho look at my outer adult awayke and on the job at 729 proof that it is xmas and she is full of thots of bakking and cuiking and londering. we get xmas 2x agane this yeer--polish and canadjan-brittish wich menes more sweet stuff for me and lots of yummy fat.

sadlie it looks like the infamus risky chapter will be published on xmas eve quel skandal well it is a bodis riper after all yuo cud advert yore eies and read it boxing day when i think i am doo to ryte sum new stuff.

ok so heer the plot thikkens in a way to further torment the puir pewsies. clementyna is so wikked. the wikked are definitely having sevral feeld days in a row.

THE BODIS RIPER!!!!

part 3 (kut & payst the 3)

chapter 3

altho the gardens of pewsey huose riotted with duftie naychur indoors all was brittel artifys. the erl of grunestayn his familie and his servitors were determined to pretend that all was well and that no korner in london hissed with wispers about the wyld ladie proodens. thus the huose was even bizzier that ushooal.

the erl added konsert dayts to his skedjool so as to affix the musik-luvving duke of klarens to his syd. the kountess sent ever mor dinner invitashuns and planned ever mor x-pensiv and e-laborate menoos so as to tempt the appetyt of such bon-vivants as the prins of wayls. proodens was parayded in evry fashunabul local her mother cud think of from morning to nite. even the infant pewsies were n-listed in the family caws by being tayken to hyde park during the most fashunabul hower and displayed to sentimental laydies by the cowntess herself.

the ton wached all this aktivitie and was unshur wat to do. that sir charles had fot the clergiman brother of the dowajer duchess of paisley in a dooel was an on-dit that had swept the town. that laydie proodens pewsey had ridden to the seen on his lordships fynest stallion was similarlie common knowlej. wether she had com to pleed for her father or her luvver was an open qwestshun one hotlie debayted by the clubmen of st james and the ladies of almacks when no pewsey was in earshot. whatevr the anser the newlie celebrayted the honorubel the reverend mister hewbert robinson was sed to hover between lyf and deth.

that was on the debit syd of the pewsey ledjer. on the kredit syd sir charles was so awfullie rich and the pewseys wer putting up such a marvelus show besyds. wen asked about the dooel at White's sir charles was herd to laff litelie and say that hewbert wud thank him for a very saloobrius blud-letting adding that he (grunestane) was of a mind to send him (hewbert) a bill. lady grunestayn wen offered condolenses in the park had smyled raised her grape-green eies to heven and sed that puir hewbert had always been qwik to qwarel over nothing she mynded he had been famus for dooels in his oxford days. lady proodens wen twitted by her peers abowt canterbury replasing calcutta in her afekshuns tirned wyd bloo eies upon them and--as planely coached to do--smyled and sed "watever do you mene?" morover the more yoothful and therfor less risabul of laydie proodens admirers remayned as loyal as ever. the dashing sir nikkolas cameron for x-ampel was ever on the pewsey doorstep.

it seemed that the pewseys wud carry it off--at leest until the reverend dyed—but then laydie jersey hoo had got up on the rong syd of the bed that morning and was feeling old and past it suddenlie desided to cut laydie proodens in hyd park.

cut laydie proodens she did in the full veiw of several members of the ton and altho proodens had the wit to say to say to the neerest gulping cavalier that ladie jersie was looking shockingly ill news of the n-cownter swept london. the next morning a few hitherto daily visitors were missing from the pewsey drawingroom. the following day several more were absent. laydie grunestayn lifted speeking eies to her lord wen he returned home from whites. he meerlie nodded and shut himself in his chaymber. that nite laydie proodens cryed herself to sleep. the fact that at the opera that evening sir nikkolas cameron had pressed her hand with an unprecidented warmth and murmered "couraj!" in her ear was stranjlie of little comfort.

the servants of cors were agast at this tirn of evvents and much conserned for the well being and presidens of thier familie. and thus mr mcauliffe was hardpressed--indeed i beleev he fayled--to keep a shade of releef and a note of his pride wen upon the following morning he opened the door to the morning sitting-room and announsed:

'clementina, duchess of paisley'.

the pewsies had not been totallie deserted and so a considerabul number of eies turned towards the open door and the harts of even the most cloth-heded lifted as they saw the luvlie dowajer--a hi stikler if there ever was one--enter the stately chamber and greet the cowntess of grunestayn with grate cordialitie. for her part the cowntess forgot every pang of envie and resentment of hewberts bewtiful sister and barelie manajed to suppress teers of releef.

'but were is laydie proodens?' cryed the duchess. 'were is the most curajeous the most nobel of my countriwummen? aha!' she added spotting prudens on a settee just behind the standing sir nikkolas. 'my deer laydie proodens! we have so much to talk abowt.'

proodens seeing the releef that swept her mamas fase lokked her deep dislyk for the dowajer into a mental strongbox threw it into an imajinarie oshan and figuratively swallowed the metaforical key. she smyled and said she was in her grace's det.

'indeed not' sed the duchess sweeping graysefully akross the room. 'it is i hoo am in yore det. my deer laydie proodens hav those old kats been very unkynd to you?'

'oh no' lyed proodens polytlie as she had bene tot. 'evryone is always so kynd! but yore grays---how does your brother?'

'very well now thanks to you' trilled the dowager clasping proodens ryt hand with its single ring between her own ornatelie bejewelled hands. 'let us not mints wirds. i know a good deal of wat has happened and i must say that i am shokked at hewberts owtrageous beehavior. i cownt myself luckie that wen he saw me yore butler did not deklayr you all away from hoam! i can only hoap you will all forgiv my silly brother. you will forgiv him laydie proodens will you not?'

the hitherto frank proodens cud not utter. after days and days of cold anger from her parents worried glanses from the servants and the stares and giggels of the ton such overt sympathie from one she had konsidered an n-emie made her redie to weep. insted she clasped the duchesses hands in her own warm grip.

'wat qwarrel he pikked with yore father i do not kno' sed the duchess in such qwieter tones that the bystanders felt rather vexed and had much ado to pretend they were not eevesdroping. (the cowntess for her part had sent the butler posthaste for the erl.) 'and i hav no dowt that sir charles did wat he cud to appees hewbert and that if onlie hewbert had not strukk him---.' she broke off and looked away. 'wat you all must think of us!'

'hewbert--mister robinson is papas deerest freind of oxford days' sed proodens in an unstedie voys. 'papa luvs him very much. indeed we all luv him very much.'

she dropped her eies befor the duchess swift dark-eyed glans and fiddled with the lays on the end of her sleev.

'i am glad to heer you say so' sed the duchess. 'but i am afrayd ther is a streek of madness in us robinsons! o! i will not burden you with my konfidenses--or my sorrows--but i hav thot it perhaps best that hewbert has never married and that i and my dear beloved husband never... but enuff of that! now that i kno wat a kreditubel horsewumman you are--nay do not blush--i hoap i at leest kno the differens between hoydenishness and heroism! --we must tawk of horseflesh. do you dryv? i cannot rekollect if i have seen you do so.'

thus the conversayshun trotted onto less e-moshunallie perilus ground and proodens was feeling as close to her old edinburah self as she had in weeks when the door opened agayn and sir charles n-tered the room. proodens looked up to see her mother beeming besyd her overjoyed father as they looked together at the duchess and their daughter on the settee. Her heart thumped in her chest and now she was hard-pressed not to drop tears of relief. She thus neither heard nor reflected on the duchesses swift intake of breth.

'my deer clementine' cryed the erl of grunstayn all other guests momentarily forgotten. He suddenly recollected his manners and breiflie greeted them all before stryding to the settee. The duchess unklapsed her hands from the daughter and offered the to the father. He kissed them with troo homaj.

'now hewbert' he sed. 'how is he?'

'tolerably well' sed the duchess. 'he fell into a fever almost as soon as he was abed but this morning he finally took a turn for the better.'

'provvidens be thanked' sed charles. 'move asyd there proodens. i wish to sit down. i was almost mad with worrie clemmie. wy did you not send wird? wy did you not answer the door?'

'i was advissed not to' sed the cowntess. 'some impertinet jaknayps of a doktor--i forget his naym--but i hav sent him abowt his bizness and summoned a proper fisishun from harley street--a scotch fisishun this tym.'

'but may i see him?' asked charles.

the cowntess luiked grayv.

'to tell you the trooth i do not kno if that is wise sir charles' she sed. 'i hav had the most trubbling korrespondens from our brother henry. i will not trubbel you with the deetayls but it wud appeer that wen hewbert was recovvering from his stroak or kollishun of humors you prayed on his mynd.'

'i' sed charles astonished.

'yes' sed clementyn. 'he seemed to think that he had ronged you in terribul way.'

'but i doant understand' sed the erl frowning. 'wen he first kaym to n-gland he seemed to hav thot that i had ronged him in sum terribul way.'

the duchess sihed.

'alas puir hewbert!' she sed. 'he is lyk a wethervayn! first he thot he had ronged you and then he thot you had ronged him and now he thinks both that he has ronged you and that i hav ronged him. he thinks i am plotting to keep you and all his servants from him.'

'good hevens' sed the erl. 'but this is terribul! are you saying that his old trubbel reelie has retirned?'

'alas' sed hewberts sister. 'i do not kno wat to think. but sir charles i think i hav hit upon a plan. i dayr not ask you to visit hewbert lest he becom even mor deranged in mind but wat if deer laydie proodens wer to visit him?'

'a kapital ideya' cryed the erl and his brow kleered. 'indeed i am shur that hermione and proo-! but wat is rong?'

'ah ha ha ha ha ha' tittered the duchess unkomfortablie. 'i think charles... i think it wud be best if i wer aloud to chaperon proodens myself. you see...hewbert also gets verie x-ersized when ladie grunestayn is menshuned.'

'x-ersized? wat can you meen?'

clementine touched her slim fingers to her forehed and looked over at the chimniepees as if for aid. sir nikkolas was leaning on it fiddling with a peece of stafordsheer potterie. he looked up and as theyr eies met clementine droped her gaze and kleered her throt.

'well' she sed. 'he weeps.'

'he weeps!' x-claymed charles. 'but wat madness to weep over hermione! i kollekt she was most kross over his sillie sermon but that is no reeson for him to weep. by jove clemmie i thot you sed hewbert was better!'

'better in body' sed clementine in low tones 'but not in spirit. will you not give laydie proodens permisshun to visit?'

'gladlie' sed charles. 'wat say you proodens? wud you undertayk to cheer owr old freind?'

proodens flushed red than wyt then red agane. goodness pubertie sucks. i think it wud be better if peeple cud go strait from being children to being adults with no teenage stuff in between. howver if yore body goes thru all those weerd chanjes yore brane has to too. anyway proodens had a guid run havving been basically been a cayrfree chyld up until now. hay-ho. it is better to be an inner child than an outer one that is for shur. for xample orijinal proodens had been so overwhelmed by noo proodens sins the dooel that she had all the vim and vigor of a dust mop.

'yes papa' sed noo proodens softlie. 'i wud be glad to do so'.

'but not yet' sed the cowntess clapping her hands and getting to her feet. across the room the men sprang to their feet. 'for now i crayv another boon. my horses hav been sadlie in need of x-cerzis whyl i hav been attending hewbert and both they and i long for a dryv. will you go for a dryv with me in hyd park proodens? not at this unfashunabul hour of corse but this afternoon? then i shall carrie yoo hoam to see hewbert and perhaps hav a littel supper.'

'i wud be very happie' sed noo proodens a split second befor orijinal proodens grasped the soshul implikashuns and perked up.

'another capital idea' sed the erl of grunestayn. he followed his gest as she took her leev of everyone in the room and went out the door. as he akkompanied her to the front door he bent his brown head over her red one and tayking her hand sed qwietlie 'god bless you clemmie! you cud not hav come at a better tym.'

'i kno my dere' sed the dowajer duchess of paislie raysing dark sollemn eies to his. 'i kaym as soon as i cud and beleev me charles i am off this minit to have a wird with laydie jersey.'

'you are too good' sed charles in a chokked voys.

the dowajer luiked as if she wud lyk to say sumthing else but thot better of it. insted she smyled.

'poor charles' she sed softlie. 'the tryls and tribewlayshuns of a husband and father. but heer is mcauliffe. it is mcauliffe isnt it?'

the butler bowed.

'yes yore grays.'

'my new ladiesmayd?'

'alredy in yore carriaj yore grays' sed mcauliffe woodenlie.

'very good mcauliffe' sed the duchess. 'goodby charles. ill be bak for laydie proodens at five."

charles kissed her perfewmed hand and she went out to the street. her coachman sprang down to open the door to her carriaj--emblazoned with the paisley arms--and mcauliffe helped her insyd. sharlott looked at her noo mistress from her korner and offered her a tentativ smyle.

'ah sharlott' sed the beawtiful dowajer. 'ther you are. i wonder my deer girl if you wud mynd ryding on the box with steven coachman? i wish to think.'

her hart was beeting overrapidlie and her senses swam a littel. her hand seemed to burn ware charles had kissed it.

sharlott obedientlie left the carriaj and shut the door. the duchess took a kompakt looking-glas from her reticewl and looked at herself in it. her dark eies were as dilayted as if she had been tayking belladonna.

'he will be myn' she sed and snapped the kompakt shut.

she knocked on the seeling and the karrij lept forward. minuts latyer the duchess was in frances jersies droring room pulling off her gloves.

'my deer clementyn' sed laydie jersie. 'wat are you abowt? prinnie is coming for nuncheon i am run off my feet. indeed i wud not hav been hoam to you had you not been shut up all this week.'

'tym was of the essens' sed the duchess. 'that puir puir child. how cud you do it frankie? a chit out of the skoolroom?'

the princes sekret mistress had the grays to blush.

'i kollekt you meen wyld proodens pewsey' she sed. 'hmm! now thats very interesting. leev us jonson' she sed to the payg. 'i wud be uninterrupted for the next 15 minits. i am not hoam to anyone. tell cookie that the merangs will do but that we had better have another chiken to be on the safe syd. now go.'

'merciful hevens!' sed the duchess wen the footman was gone. she throo herself down on a settie and gazed at her freind. 'is that wat the ton is calling her? the child is as innosent as a bayb unborn.'

'so thats the lyn your going to tayk' sed laydie jersie brazenlie. 'wen may we wish yore brother happie?'

'seeing as my brother is currently off his head i simplie cud not imajin' sed hewberts sister koolie. 'ther is no lyn to tayk frankie. my brothers parlormayd--a pewsey byblow insidentally--got wind of the dooel and rushed off to warn laydie proodens. yes terribul but our skottish ways are rather less stuffy and the relayshunship between master and man and mistress and made is more like that of familie than in ngland. Tyes of blud but i shant waste my breth x-plaining.'

'a pewsie byblow?' shreeked laydie jersie 'not of the delektable charles clementyn i never was so shokked wy they say he is the most fastideeus thing in naychur.'

'good lord i hoap not' sed the duchess. 'although it wud sertanely serve... that is to say that his buxom cowntess mite be a littel less hi in the instep. But you never herd it from me franses. Besyds i am not heer to tittel-tattel but to tell you that i am going to aknowledj laydie proodens wether you lyk it or not. if she was one of the artfull baggajs iv seen abowt this seeson id let her twist in the wind and good riddence. but she is an innosent child and im not going to let the ton rooin her chances of a good mach.'

'and yet you say wedding bells are not going to chym?'

'not for my brother' sed the duchess. 'he may be my brother frankie but beleev me it wud be out of the frying pan into the fyr for the puir child. o i daresay charles had some hoaps of mayking a mach between his doter and his old freind. but i wudnt wish that fayt on littel proodens. it wud almost be insest.'

laydie jersie looked at her keenlie.

'insest! how do you meen?'

'oh well' sed the duchess with studied vagueness. 'i am shur hewbert has been lyk an unkel to her all thes yeers.'

'my hed is all a-wirl' sed laydie jersie. 'i will call on you as soon as i can. you say yore brother is not after all the girls luvver?'

'sertanely not.'

'and thus she was not the occashun for the dooel?'

'sertanely not.'

'then wat on earth was?'

'to mayk a long and paynful storie short frankie hewbert struk charles.'

'yes i know that but wy?'

the duchess seemed too sag. she lost her riteous x-presshun and sank into the pillows of her chayr.

'i cudnt say frances becas i reelie doant kno. i think ther may be a wumman at the bottom of it but wat wumman i simplie cud not tell you. but doant sujest it was laydie proodens becos onlie a zany cud look at that girl and think she cud hav anything to do with it. a most refreshing innosens. she reminds me of myself at that ayj.'

laydie jersies thots turned breeflie to all she had ever herd of the layt dook of paisley and sitting besyd her dejected freind patted her hand.

'ther ther clementyn. it is the lot of wimmen after all. i am sorry now that i cut yore littel freind. ill find sum way to mayk it up to her--altho reallie a stallyon! wat was the girl thinking?'

'probably that it was the fastest hors in the staybels' sed clementyn. 'wat skotland needs is a grate poet or ryter to reveel to you n-glish the grate heroism of our skottish wimmen and our loyaltie to our klan! and that reminds me that i had better get bakk to my striken brother. poor hewbert. whooever the wumman is he is sertanely taking it hard.'

laydie jersie shook her hed in sympathy and then sat up strait as if she had been stung.

"hermione!" she x-claymed.

the dowayjer stared.

"frances?"

"hermione!" cryed laydie jersie agane. 'o that sly boots. clementyn---you dont imagin?'

'good hevens no' gasped the duchess. she laffed litely. 'my deer franses. consider charles. the very glass of fashun and mold of form! no no no. i kollekt you have not seen my brother in some yeers. no match for a charles grunestane beleev me! besides he is a clergyman he wud never.. that is...no! he wud never commit such a crym!'

'i beg yore pardon clementyn' sed laydie jersie carefullie wyping her fase of its prurient x-presshun of delyt in skandal. 'i kollect we are tawking of yore brother. forgiv me.'

'i forgiv you' sed clementyn with a sisterly kiss. 'but mind you forgiv laydie proodens for wat was after all in our cowntrie heroik feelial pietie.'

she got up to go.

'by the way' she sed tirning at the door. 'evrything iv sed abowt my brother franses. i kno i need not ask...'

'of corse not' sed franses jersie.

the beeuwtiful yung duchess of paisley desended the steps of ladie jerseys town hoam and a crewl smyle curved upon her lips. she ordered her dryver to tayk her to hoam and no sooner had she alited but the carriaj of a gentleman pulled up before the huose. a gentleman in a top hat and blak frock coat alited. this was sir viktor egret of harley street and after ascertayning his identitie clementyn welcomed him into the huose and ushered him in the bedchaymber of her strikken brother.

quite a chanj had been wrot in the sikroom. the stayl air was now fresh and sweet and the chaymber smelled of lavender and freshlie ironed linen. a bol of grayps stood redie by the bed as did a helthful bottel of wiskey. hewbert had been proped up agaynst fresh pillos. his linen niteshirt had been chanjed--despyte his week shreeks of modest protest--and his unfashunablie long hare had been jerked free of nots and tangels. snow-whyt sheets overlayd with a bloo silk coverlet covverd him up to his chest.

sir viktor took in the sceen and smyled for altho he was a good doktor and prowd of his reputayshun he luvved a good fee and the room smelt even more stronglie of money than it did of lavender. ther was nothing so good for his pokket book as a long lingering illness and one look at hewberts wan fase sujested it.

'hewbert darling' trilled clementyn from the door. 'here is sir vikor egret of harley street come to mayk you comfortable.'

hewbert opened his eies and looked bleerilie at his visiter. his sisters henchwumman had but resentlie given him a dose of a powerful sedativ. it was the onlie way she cud chanj his shirt.

'comfortable? comfortable?' he murmured. 'is ther comfort to be fownd on this side of the grayv?'

'now now mr robinson' sed sir vikor hartilie as he strode to the bed. 'that is not the lyn to tayk sir. you must think happie thots. a fensing ahem axsident is nothing to eat owt yore hart abowt.'

'it is not i sir that eats out my hart but yonder harpie by the door. and wen she has eeten her fill wat must she do but send another harpie drooling with filthie lusts to pillaj and chew?'

'o sir viktor' sed clementyn wipping out her lacie handkerchef and holding it to her eies. 'how he raves!'

'hmm' sed the doktor and bent over hewbert. he looked into his eies and started. 'his pupils are dilated! may i have been asked wat has he been given?'

'only tinkchur of belladonna and opium' sed clementyn piteouslie.

'hmm' sed the doktor. 'the belladonna is all very well but i think he ot not to hav so much opium. kombyned with fever it may overset his reeson.'

'but the payn doktor,' sed the bewtie. 'i kannot bare to see him in payn.'

'wat do you meen?' sed hewbert in slurred tones. 'you ken you lyk nothing better. the payn in my shuolder is nothing to the payn of being in the cluches of such an unnatural sister.'

the duchess sed nothing but merelie mayd sobbing noyses into her hankerchif.
'deer me' sed the doctor. 'if you will permit me mr robinson to lay bare yor shuolder...?'

'my servants?' sed hewbert. 'were are my servants? are they ded? imprisoned? transported? wer is angus macdonald? wer is littel sharlott?'

'good hevens yore grays' sed the doktor startled agane. 'hoo has been attending yore brother? this wuond is n-tyrlie inflaymed!'

'o deer' sed clementyn her fays firmlie disgized by her hankerchif. 'i cannot recall. a doktor smith? i think that it is--smith.'

'liar' slurred hewbert. 'harpie. she-devil.'

'you did very well to dismiss this doktor smith' sed the doktor sternlie. 'this sadlie neglekted wuond will tayk careful tending now. if the infekshun spreds i will have to remoov his arm.'

'no' cryed hewbert struggling up. 'you can not remoov my arm you minion of satan it is consecrayted.'

'i beleev your grays...'sed the doktor meeningfullie. clementyn rang the bell and two footmen attended by rufus the blak payjboy kaym in.

'wat fresh villanie is this?' demanded hewbert as the men held him down. 'help! help! angus! angus! angus! help!'

'not too much' muttered the doctor over his needel 'we do not want to over-slow the hart.' he gayv hewbert the injekshun and the man fell limp among the pillows. the doktor plased his head over hewberts hart and then lifted his eielid. the duchess nodded to the servants and they left the room.

'it will be some time befor he regayns conshusnes poor fellow' sed sir viktor. 'ill retirn this evning to bleed him.'

'i am very gratful to you sir viktor' sed clementyn. 'wat must i do in the meentym?'

'wy nothing yore grays' sed the doktor. 'you must leev him striklie alone. he must not be over-xited--that cud be qwyt fatal. it is not just the wuond--it is his hart. i do not wish to make you over-anxious yore grays but i beleev i hav detekted sum maladie of the hart. either too slow a hartbeet or too rapid cud depress his helth very rapidlie.'

clementyn willed a blush.

'he longs abuv all for the visit of his friend the earl of grunstane' she mirmired. 'but i am afrayd..ehm..i hav herd...ehm...it has reeched my eers that sir charles was he hoo gayv him the...ehm...axsidental blow.'

'i see' sed the doktor with a serching luik of the bewtiful fays befor him. 'well in that cays yore grays it is my opinion that anyone involved in the seen of the..hem hem...axsident shud not be permited to enter this room.'

'verrie well sir viktor' sed clementyn. 'i will do my best to a-line my will with yores and not that of my brother. but you see how very very commanding he is.' she gayv a littel laff. 'it is for this reeson that i hav been forsed to mayk alternate arranjments for his staff.'

they left the room and after the butler had s-corted the grate man to the door clementyn sat at her ryting desk. she skribbled a note on a perfewmed sheet and rang for rufus the blak payjboy. within half an hour proodens fownd herself braking open the wayfer at the lunch taybel.

'well my dere' sed her mother affekshunatlie. 'wat does it say?'

'my deer ladie proodens' red proodens 'how delightfulie kynd of you to agree to add a yuothful note to wat will now be a very happie afternoon and evning indeed. send along yore finest dinner dress now and that way you will be unencombered for our dryv. how delited my brother will be to see you. your admirer clementina p.'

'wat a kind unaffekted kordial wumman she is' x-claymed hermione.

'yes' sed proodens and immediatelie scheemed abowt wat she wud ware.

it was in a costewm of rich fawn brown that proodens appeered in the park at the fashunable hour. and as evry club and dinner parties buzzed that evning she was driving none other than the dowajer duchess of paisleys bays as the dowajer duchess of paisley dressed in chocolate brown sat besyd her.

'grate hevens!' sed lady crane to lady cameron as clementine wayved to their barouche. 'i cannot beleev my eies!'

'bless my cuzzins maternal sole' sed lady cameron. 'you see there was nothing in all that stuff and nonsens about the dooel. poor lady proodens to be so malyned! my nikk is qwite mad about her you kno.'

'and there he is' sed lady crane as a blond man on horseback cot up to the paisley curricle. the curricle wich had been rolling along at a fine clip slowed as the horseman leaned towards it.

'i feel as if i have been transported to mount olympus' sed sir nikk 'for clearly venus and psyche have taken out phoebus chariot for a dryv.'

'and how am i to tayk that' demanded the red-haired duchess. 'watever else one kan say abowt her venus mayd a perfektlie friteful mother-in-law.'

'beter a mother-in-law than a sister-in-law' sed nikk meeningfulie and a blush tinged the fase of the young dryver.

'hush' sed clementyn rapping his rein-encased nukkels with her fan. 'shame on you when my poor brother is still so unwell. wen he seeses to rayv then such gentel jests are permissible--by family. but in the meantime mind your manners.'

'poor old fellow' sed sir nikk suppressing an envious sneer. 'but i beleev that parsons as a class are prone to such nervus disorders.'

'if only it were that' sihed the duchess with a swift look at her pretty charge. 'theres a streak of madness in we robinsons you kno. you shud thank heven that your syd of the familie is free of it. you can marry---and remarry--without the guilt of passing on the taint to children as yet unborn!'

her voice cot in her throte and although nikk was in general a very selfish man he thot that such an attitude was rather a waste of the dowayjers scrumptious charms.

'but never mind' clementyn continued britely 'it mayks me all the more fond of young girls like lady proodens here. doesnt that colour suit her wonderfully?'

'you both suit each other' sed sir nikk gliblie. 'i konfess i am almost overwelmed. i am sure i am the envy of every man in this park. by the way i dont suppose hermio--lady grunestayn is here this afternoon?'

proodens looked at him with a blue and icy gaze.

'mamma is at home,' sed the girl coldly 'with papa.'

'then i shall call upon them there' sed sir nikk easily and doffed his hat. 'good afternoon laydies.'

'goodness grayshus laydy proodens,' laffed the duchess when the blond head was out of earshot. 'wat a set down!'

proodens blushed.

'i didnt meen to be rood' she sed. she struggled for sumthing nise to say. 'he has always been so kind and attentiv.'

'i daresay' sed clementyn 'whip up those horses prudens or every gabbler in the park will think we are fair game. but as half the girls in town are setting thier caps at yung nikolas cameron you do very well to keep him at a distans. o the most trustworthy young man there is of corse but perhaps a little spoiled by attenshun. he is so handsome you see.'

'yes' sed proodens slowly 'he is handsome altho of corse not so handsome as papa--even to older ladies like mamma...'

'even to!' chortled the duchess. 'deer me proodens wat hav you been told abowt older ladies? i deklare i am shokked at yore cynicism. yes many older ladies in their dotage do becom entransed with young fases--la! the stories i cud tell you--but you can tayk it from me that no older ladie of cents wud hav anything to say to sir nikk wen yore father was in the room. deer me no. in fakt they wud be much more likely to prefer my poor brother... wy i think there was some tawk of hewbert corting hermione before charles fixed things up...."

"wat!" cried proodens and her face flamed. 'o no yore grays. i am qwite shur that cannot be. i hav never herd any such storie. mamma has told me many times that the only man who was ever---.'

she broke off. it was one thing to know that mamma had only ever had one suitor and qwite another to menshun it to another wumman.

'ever good enough for her' supplied the duchess hartily. 'well perhaps i am mistayken. i was still in the skoolroom after all. and they told me yore mother was such a serious shy girl--only confident wen she was arguing some philosophikal or ekonomik point! but as we hav seen she was a late bloomer blossoming into bewty in middle age. well some women are like that. i am shur i am happy for her.'

'mm-mamma?' stammered proodens. 'a bewty?'

'my dear girl how unfilial!' laffed clementyn. 'dont tell me you are envious of your mother! wy shud she not hav sum admirashun too?'

'but er i meen to say that is thank you very much' sed proodens doutfullie. ons agane she had the unhappy feeling of being possessed by two proodenses: the old proodens hoo sed and did whatever she liked and cared only for elefants and the new proodens who never knew wat to say and seemed always in the wrong and often wanted just to lie in bed and cry.

"your welcome' sed the duchess. 'as for nikk wat i wish is that he wud settle down with a very nice girl and not with one of those widows he is always seen with. really hes just a boy--but wat a deliteful man he will be wen he grows up. a wonderful catch for somebody'

she affected to sigh and then laffed.

'youll be thinking i'm in my dotage next! never mind all this tawk of bewty and luv laydie proodens! if you are satisfied that the horses hav had enuff i suggest we dryv home to supper. we shall dress you shall visit the poor invalid and then we shall dine early. how does that suit you?'

'very well yore grays' sed proodens. All thots of sir nikk and her mother flew from her hed, and her hart began beet lyk a drum.