another bakk chaptr

thank you thank you nachuraly you miss me but its serafiks falt litwo ojczyzno moja indede. she studys nite and day i want to be sik. wat abowt the xmas bakking i ask? still at leest wen those big skary men were in the huose she bakked stuff wich as we kno is the point to my outer adult. apart from being a contayner for me i mene. rofl! bakking shoping and contayning thats the tikkut. o that she wud buy an it-bag insted of polish lesons. how i wish i were jkrowlings inner child insted.

anyway as it is the seeson of good will and santa heer i am to giv you another bak chapter of the bodis riper befoar my grate plunj into new stuff. so heer we go. remmember that hewberts servants hav bene stuffed in clemenyns attik and that angus and mr macdonald are the same man. this is important or you mite be confewsd. the kichen boy/soo shef micheal macintyr is the only roamn kathlik in the n-tyr storie so you may wish to wach his kareer with intrest.

BODIS RIPER!

part three (wy is there no numbber for three?)

chapter 2

the attiks of the duchess half-moon street manshun were x-tensiv but onlie roodlie finished. a projekt to tirn them into servants qwarters had been aloud to lapse. the skeleton staff which wich the revrent hewbert robinson had thot to bring with him from skotland--valet french chef coachman kichen boy footman and parlor mayd--had fownd themselvs on thier arrival s-corted into a larj and dustie chamber--aksesibul by a door to the stayrwell--and lokked in.

the servants chagrin wen they diskovered thier imprisonment is beyond my pen and preferred choys of dikshun. the oaths employed by valet and coachmen were obseen and those of the french chef franklie blaspheemus. micheal macintosh the kichen boy (or soo-chef as he kalled himself) and dayvie ross the footman listened to thier elders assalts upon the n-glish and french langwages with aw. sharlott stuffed her fingers in her eers.

'its no yews' sed jon coachman rubbing the shulder that had fayled to prevayl agaynst the door
'its been bolted top middul and bottum.'

'its nobbut a wooden door' x-claymed angus 'and no door will keep me from mah puir wee mr hewbert. all together ons agane.'

but the strayning senior staff were at last forsed to admit defeet. they prodded x-perimentallie at the various windows cut into the roof but these had been lokked shut and were at such a presipitus angel that to smash one and crawl throo was tantamownt to sooisyd. one by one the staff gayv up and began to mayk the most of thier sojirn.

jon coachman had brot a pakk of cards and distraked himself from worrie abowt his eqwyn charges by playing endless gayms with monseeur dufflet and the boys. mr macdonald howevr never gayv up aktiv thot of s-cayp and spent the n-tyr first day of thier imprisonment testing the floorbords beneeth them.

it had okkurred to angus that thier best chans lay with the appeerans of watever servant was sent to bring them thier meels. if the men all rushed him they mite overpower him long enuff to get downstayrs. howevr this servant was a veerlie long tym in koming and and when the bolts were skraped bakk a lowd voys warned them that any ruff stuff wud be answered with a retort from the barkers. and shur enuff wen a beefie and redfased footman carried in 2 steeming bukkets of stew and a string bag of wooden bowls and spoons he was covered by a swarthy groom with a pistol in either hand. a starvved looking wumman followed with a torch.

'this is outrajgeus' x-claymed mr macdonald rysing up lyk an angrie goos. 'are we felons to be imprissoned in this manner? if this is my masters sister her grayses ideya of hospitalitie then it is cleer she has lived overlong in n-gland!'

'you kan sayv yor breth to kool yore stew old gaffer' sed the swarthy groom 'seeing as how i doant savvy yore heethen skottish tung.'

he ran an eie over the prisoners in the flickering lite and both jon coachman and michael macintosh both cashually stepped in front of sharlott effektivlie remooving her from veiw.

'he says this is an outrayg' flaymed up monsieur dufflet 'and me i agree. befor the revolooshun i gaston dufflet was chef to no less a personage than the duc of lorane. with my art i hav mayd the men the most implacable weep and mayk thier first confession in 30 yeers so as to retirn to the taybl to n-joy dessert with a sole as cleen as that of child nooly baptyzed.'

'lissen froggie' sed the ruffian. 'i cudnt giv a tinkers. my orders are to mayk shur you stay up heer until my mistress says you kan come down.'

'but in the naym of the wee man wy?' yelled angus. 'oor master is ailing beneeth our feet and it is our dutie to cayr for him. very odd he will think it if ah dinnae come to him. wy man heell fret himself into a fever and he was alredy luiking peelie-wallie the puir wee lamb!'

the gunman kocked his hed and looked at him with brite eyes.

'i kan heer the wirds koming out but i hav no ideeya wat they meen. you keep yore tung between yore teeth jock and leev the bakchat to froggie.'

'he says our master is ill and needs our assistance' snapped monsieur dufflet. 'we demand to see him at ons.'

'at leest tell us how he fayrs!' x-claymed the coachman.

'the bairn' showted angus in desperayshun 'at leest tayk the bairn to see him.'

'i doant kno nuffink abowt it' sed the gunman. 'you done there peter? lets go then. after you martha. toodle-oo froggie. hav a good nite.'

they had a bad nite. as they all were advansed enuff in servis to rayt proper bedding they wer unewsed to sleeping on floor bords. and as they had been separated from thier belongings they had no coverings but thier coats and these had been sacrifised to mayk sharlot tollerablie comfortabul. sharlot her nervs kompletelie abrayded by the revelayshuns of the day was inklined to be weepie and tried to refews the speshul treetment.

'its wat mr hewbert wud want' sed mr angus 'so wheest.'

'o but mr angus' sed sharlott. 'that was befor wen he thot i was... wen he thot i was...'

'ook' sed mr angus 'ah ken. but if you think the master if going to treet you much diffrent the noo you can think agane. as much as i wanted the strangle ye sharlott ye did the master a good servis by feching laydie proodens to brake up that stramash. hed hav broken his hart over sir charles if heed kilt him. but if id done wat youv done hed hav my guts for garters ay.'

2 mor days and 2 mor nites of imprisonment passed n-livened onlie by visits from the food deetayl and thier mocking armed gard. the air grew thik and unholesum. the prisoners felt itchy and unkleen. the men sprouted stubbel and thier tempers frayed. monsieur dufflet wiled away the tym by descrybing in minewt detayl the feests he had prepared for the duc of lorrane and the hungrie men were finallie drivven to demanding that he hold his tung. thus insulted he throo down his kards and sot the companie of sharlott. sharlott was a better listener and thrilled to the stories of forein playses and nobelity.

on the morning of the 4th day to the surprise of all the bolts scrayped bakk. with a wispered showt mr angus ordered sharlot into the furtherest darkest corner of the attik and the gunman appeered in the doorway with onlie martha for companie.

'well' he sed. 'i reckon you lot hav been holding out on me.'

he grinned widelie and black gaps gayv varietie and interest to his smyle.

'they tell me thiers a femayl up heer.'

'then you have the information faultie' sed monsieur dufflet getting up from the floor. 'i asshur you monsieur that that i hav been feeling most accewtlie the lack of companie feminine.'

'is that so? then why hav i been sent to fech her down? her nibs wants to see her. and come to think of it i want to see her too you sly boots.'

all the men rose to their feet. michael lay a restraining hand on the shulder of red-faysed dayvie.

'indeed of a suretie her grays has been misinformed' sed monsieur dufflet. 'but if her grays wishes to konsult any of us regarding the comfort of our master her brother we wud---.'

'stow it' sed the gunman looking over his hed. 'martha serch the room'.

martha peered into the gloom.

"heer kittie kittie kittie" she crooned and kakkeled.

as she inched forward she fownd her way impeeded by both the tall blak-hayred yung man with bloo eies and the boy.

'ere!' shouted the gunman. 'none 'o that!'

he raised the barkers on the yung men as martha fell bakk.

'no no' sed sharlott hurriedlie koming into the lite 'its nae bother. id be happie to see her grays.'

'good girl' sed the gunman but he looked a tryfel disappoynted. 'skinnie littel thing aincher? o well. get you downstayrs. and as for the rest of you you kan kool yore heels.'

mr angus kleered his throte.

'it may intrest ye to kno' he sed ponderuslie ' that miss blakkie has freinds in x-seedinglie hi playses and that her grays brother has a partikewlar intrest in her kareer. indeed as mr robinson has nae bairns of his ain and is a man of unyewshoal jenerosity it is not impossibul that in fewchur he may mayk this yung lassie his ward.'

'you know' sed the gunman. 'they tell me you lot speek n-glish but i cant credit it. wat he say froggie?'

the chef dulie translayted and the gunman sed that that was all very sweet but non of his bizness so they cud shut it. with a speeking look at mr angus and one kwik bakward look at michael sharlott followed old martha down the stayrs.

she fownd herself being led down several flytes of sandstone stayrs to a pleasant stone-lined sellar well-lit by sunnie windows set high abuv. a flock of kichen mayds in whyt aprons and handsom footmen in livverie hurried bakk and forth over the well-kleened floor. sharlott felt an enormus sens of releef and sniffed eegerlie at the ordinarie everyday smells of lavender and baking bred.

old martha stopped in front of a green door and pushed it open. it was a dormitory with two bunk beds of three emptie bunks and a window set neer the seeling. agaynst the wall was a tabyl with a jug and basin of steeming water. besyd it was a cleen grey bodis and skirt grey hose wyt petticoat and a smart starched wyt pinafore and cap set on a chayr.

'that alls for you' sed the old wumman in her krakked voyse. 'get in ther and kleen yerself up. ill be bak in a moment to tayk you to her grays.'

she pushed sharlott insyd and shut the door.

sharlotte slipped off her shoes and hurriedlie did as she had been told. altho her hed told her to s-cayp and fynd her way back to pewsey huose to e-lissit aid her hart sed she cudnt mayk the attempt until after she had assertayned the immediayt kondishun of her master. wen martha retirned she plastered a dosyl look on her fays and obedientlie followed her along the korridor and up another flyt of stone servants steps glansing shewdlie throo the windows of evry door they past.

'her grays is verrie partikewlar' sed martha. 'yes verrie parikewlar indeed. so you had beter be a good girl or youll find yoreself bakk up in the attik with the other pigins my prittie.'

'yes mam' sed sharlott memmorizing thier roote.

'no need to call me mam' sed the old woman. 'old martha will do. iv been in the dooks servis lo these manie manie yeers and to his father befor him and i was old martha to his father and i am old martha to him.'

'ook' sed sharlott with kunning 'i thot her grays was a widow.'

'that she is that she is' sed martha. 'my dook is her grays brother in law and id cut myself into littel peeses for him so i wud. hes a fyn master for all of his wyld ways. and wy shudnt he be wyld?'

she stopped and glared at sharlott as if she had uttered sum kritism of the current dook of paisley. the girls dosyl x-presshun flickered.

'id be wyld myself if i wer a yung man of his posishun' croked martha. 'lawks!'

'a guid master is a grate blessing' sed sharlott.

'youv got that ryt' sed martha. 'ah it does my hart good just to think of his grays and his brayv bold spirrit. they kall him the nekromanser but i laff em to skorn.'

'i luv my master too' sed sharlott 'do you ken how he gets on?'

'shh!' hissed martha. 'heer we are. absolootlie no tawking past this door. if thers anything her grays kannot abyd it is the sound of servant chatter.'

she pushed open the door to a bare servants hallway and then opened a door into a vast bedroom. altho sharlott was yewsed to the noo town elegans of mr robinsons sharlott squar residense she had to blink at the sumpshusness of the dowayjer duchess's own pryvat chaymber.

the walls were covvered with sky bloo silk and gold-framed payntings of bewtiful nakked ladyies by streems and of almost nakked men with big muscles fiting other almost nakked men with big muscles or lions. these were interspersed with gold-framed mirrors and grate hi windows that looked down upon a beautiful garden.

ther was a gold and whyt painted vanitee taybel and a simplie enormus bed with gold and bloo hangings. the seeling was painted with a huge sceen of three bewtiful ladies and a man in a toonik with a golden appel. in the backgrownd a city went up in flaymes. the thick karpet under sharlotts feet spilled woven flowrs in all direkshuns and out the open doors to a grand sitting-room. the air was hevy with the perfewm of the sweet peas in vayses dotted all about the chaymber and sharlott felt almost overwelmed with the bewtie of it all.

'as god is my witnes no man has ever set foot in this chaymber sins it was noolie dekorayted' hissed martha in sharlotts eer. 'its a pitie aint it a grate laydie lyk her. but her grays is very particular.'

'ook' sed the blushing sharlott 'ay.'

'you stay heer now' sed the old wumman. 'dont touch anything'.

and mumbling to herself she went out the servants door--almost invisible from the insyd--and shut it behynd her. sharlott was alone in the beeutiful chaymber. not knowing wat els to do she stood in the middel of the carpet and wayted.

she did not hav to wayt long. a door opened and a lithe red-headed woman in a rich violet gown kaym into the room. havving seen her portrayt in mr robinsons studie sharlotte knew her at onse as her grays the duchess of paisley. she sank into a cirtsie and tried not to tremble.

'so this is sharlott!' cryed the yung dowayjer in a sweet deeplie edinburg voys that mayd irrashunal hope spring up in the parlormayds brest. 'i hav herd all abowt you! the notty mayd hoo broke up an n-gayjment of honor!'

sharlott blushed and sank into another cirtsie.

'no no' laffed the duchess. 'dinnae look so ashaymed sharlott. thees missish ayrs are not for skotswuman such as we. and between ourselves i am glad my hot-tempered brother has been savved from bekoming a murderer. such shokking behaviour! and he a minister of the gospel too. wat a very bad x-ampel to us all.'

'ook yore grays--!'

'ah yes' interrupted the duchess and took sharlotts fays between her glovved hands. 'i kan well understand that you must be wondering how your master is. wat a good and loyal girl--just as my brother sed! well sharlott you kan be at ees for mr robinson tho poorlie at the momment is in very good hands and we will soon see him up agane and prating at us all for our despikabul sins watever they may be.'

'ook but yore grays---?'

sharlotts qwestshun faltered on her tung as she say the duchess sunnie cowtananece klowd over with annoyans.

'i hoap sharlott' sed her grays coldlie 'that you are not going to complayn of yore qwarters these past few days. it is no eesie thing to combyn too huoseholds ken and i am shur you kan imajin how we hav all bene thrown in an upror by resent evvents. we had to konsider yore master first of all.'

'ook no yore grays' sed sharlott deeplie distirbed 'ah dinnae meen to komplayn. ook no! ah am pairfektlie--ah am--ah-- it disnae matter abowt us yore grays we were pairfekltie that is to say we onlie were so worrit abowt the master.'

the clowd disappeered and the bewtiful duchess beemed upon the parlormayd agane.

'ook' she sed. 'that does you and the men grate kredit sharlott and now that i think abowt it i was remiss not to hav asshuranses carried upstayrs. that must be seen to. but in the meentym sharlott we must see wat i kan do for you.'

'for me yore grays?'

'yes for you. now that yore master my brother has n-trusted you to my kayr lets see wat we kan do. he has sed that you are a very good and deserving yung femayl hoo ot to advans in servis. iv a mynd to trayn you up as a sort of laydies mayd companyon. we kan begin by teeching you how to dress a nobelwumman and then--if i find that you are kwik and abel--i will tayk you along with me on a kall.'

sharlott cud skarslie beleev her eers.

'me yore grays?'

the duchess laffed and the sound was as merry as slay bells in the sno.

'aye you sharlott. now let us go to the closet and see if the seamstress has mended my grass-green gown. i always try to look my very best for a visit to the pewsies.'


well that is enuff for today my outer adult wants the tabul for litwo ojczyzno moja nonsens. i cud starv for all she kayrs. i am onlie bothering becos of my fanns esp notburga shiraz sheela and nuns.

helo it is me bak for x-mas lol

it is i the inner child bak for x-mas i may hav bene gone but i hav bene good. i told my outer adult that it was me or poelish klasses and wat did she do? so blame her. evryone knos how i feel abowt skool! howevr it is a tym of goodwill and pees to all men ect. so i am bak to spred the joj of me and tell you wat happened with proodens and wats his name. besyd look wat serafik has desended to: z's all over the plaice komplete giberish lyke szczgolnie and mayd up letters with tales on. obveeouslie she is desprate! so i am bak and i hope santa tayks that into konsiderashun becos if i doant get my it-bag for x-mas i will skreem and skreem.

ok so probablie you are lost regarding the plot i kno i am. therefor i will ryte a preeambel and then stik up the last chaptr befor i kontinoo. by the way this is dedikated to notburga my #1 #fan and sekondarilie sum nagging nuns hoo shud be thinking of heyer things. rofl.

it is abowt 1810 or whatevr and ther is a huose kalled grunestane wich meens green stone and it has some aristos in it hoos desendents will no dowt lose it in the 20th senturie becos of deth duties taxashun is theft. howevr rite now it is grate to be an aristo at leest in skotland and england not frans of course lol. it is betr tho in rusha and polan you cud have slavs. anyway this is a polish free storie i am at a loss at my outer adult muttering 'o litwo!' lyk that meens somthing.

so ther is a girl naymed proodens and she is beeootiful and she has a father lord grunestane and he is beeootiful too. her mother is not beeootiful but klever. lord grunestane has a best freind named hewbert. he is a skottish episkopaleean clergie man. all thees aristos are skottish episkopalians aka pixies x-sept for the english karacters hoo of corse are anglikans. the servants are presbies or katholic, of corse. then there is also klementyne hewberts sister she is wikked. o dere maybe a list is in ordr:

lady proodens pewsey--heroine v. pretty loves elefants must be married off as is 17

sir charles pewsey earl of grunstane--her father, a komposer & church organist as well as aristo, a v. kindlie and innosent man much lusted after as he is so handsom even at 40.

mademoiselle blanche--proodens governess not so important reely

lady hermione pewsey countess of grunstane--proodens mother, devoted wife of charles, bloostoking and fat.

the rev the hon hewbert robinson -- best friend of sir charles, pixie minister he thinks he is a preest tho

sir henry robinson, earl of i forget--hewbert's venial but afekshunat brother

clementyn dowager duchess of paisley--herbert's very beeotiful but wicked sister she lusts over charles horriblie and plots to steel him from his wife. kurrentlie she has got hewbert in her clutches he is very sick from a duel with charles and clementyn has been killing him with neglekt

sir nikk cameron--hewberts cousin he is v. handsome and luvs older laydies like my outer adult only fatter he is lusting after lady hermione and so is in cahoots with clementyn who wants sir charles altho nikk dosnt kno that. clementyns reputayshun is perfekshun x-sept with her brothers. all hewberts relayshuns are wikked no wonder his piety is so x-treem. anyway evryone wants him to marry proodens.

sharlot blackie--loyal servant to hewbert & only wumman on staff as hewbert until reesentlie a horrible misogynist! currently locked in clementyn's attik with the rest of hewberts staff. roomered to be charles natchural daughter but reely it was his grandpa

mr angus--hewberts valet/butler

mrs harvey--clementyn's henchwoman/laydiesmaid

vareeos servants and aristos like the whole cameron familie hoo are hewberts cuzzins plus the elderly major-general with a crush on proodens, laydy jersey the prins rejent mistress and also the prins rejent and his vareeous brothers.

by the way i shud stayt that i have not seen downton abbey. my outer adult saw one epeesod and hated it so much she never watched it agane. ther was an attempted rayp or something horrid rite in the first epeesod and homie dont play that sed serafik.

ok so now you wil get some preevious chapters and wen they finish i will ad some new ones. it will be lyke a x-mas prezent for notburga and those nuns who arent alowed the internet so serafik will hav to print and mayl it.

THE BODIS-RIPER!!!

PART 3

chapter 1

how noos of the skandalous kontest between the erl of grunestayn and a skottish deevyn took hold and spreed lyk a contaygion thru out the fashionable wirld is a mistrie. the partisipants and the spektaytors--gentle or common--had sworn themselvs to sekrecie and yet many of them fownd themselvs the objekts of increesing curiositie and serching hints. that ther had bene a dewl was absolootelie sertane--but wat the ton did not kno was wy. the rumor that the affair of honor had been interrupted by the erls own doter seemed to shed sum lyt on the dark korners of motiv.

'they tell me' sed lady jersey to lady cameron in the latters ormulu droring room 'that the girl hurtled to her lovers rescew in a coach-and-4.'

'my dear lady jersey' sed lady cameron twisting the ends of her shawl in her hands 'the depths to wich sosietie will sink to unseet an innosent girls repewtayshun will never sees to amayz me.'

her cheeks were very pink. as the wyf and mother of the earl of grunestayns seconds she had attayned a popewlaritie unpresidented in her kareer. if onlie it had been for some other reeson! day after day and nite after nite a growing akwaintans demanded--subtlely but in-xorablie--to kno wat she knew. and despyt her n-treeties her husband refewsed to tell her the hole other than to say that brat of hers wud hav them all in the basket. it wud apeer that fixing nikolas intrest with laydie proodens and her forchoon wud not be plane sayling after all. but she had not lost hart and hoaped that her unflagging defens of the girl wud in tym meet the ryt eers.

lady jersey pondered lady camerons pink cheeks and twisting hands and felt the cats thrill upon finding yet another muose hole.

'sertanley i hav always thot laydie proodens a sweet chyld' she sed cashuallie 'if a tryfle too well-read. they tell me that she is bekoming qwite an authoritie on indiyan trayd--or perhaps on those in hoos perveiw indiyan trayd has been.'

lady cameron flushed deeper.

'i kollekt you meen major-jeneral lytton' she replyed 'yes i understand that they are the best of freinds but of corse lady jersey you cud not imajin that lady proodens wud be bedazzeled by such an old man--or any older man. she is the veriest chyld. and she has her own forchoon you kno so his does not signifie.'

'indede not' sed lady jersey 'tho i wonder if my lord grunestayn wud agree. they tell me major-lytton was his second after all. an unushual choys.'

'was he?' asked poor lady cameron. 'im afrayd im very stupid abowt such matters. but i kan tell you that ther is no lasting n-mity between the erl and my husbands poor cuzzin for i do kno--or hav been krediblie informed--that the erl brot hewbert to her grace in his own town carrij.'

'at his doters behest i am told.'

'hevens' sed lady cameron with a fritened titter 'charles grunestayn allowing himself to be told wat to do by his own doter! wat will peeple say next i wonder! and as for cuzzin hewbert the ideeya that he may hav fixxed his interest with a yung chit of a girl owt of the skoolroom simplie beggars beleef. i do not mynd telling you lady jersey that my husbands cuzzin holds our n-tyr sex in avershun. indeed tho i hav rayked my branes over and over agane and all but begged my husband on bended knee to tell me i cannot shed lyt on wat the kwarrel was abowt. depend upon it ther is no laydie at the hart of this mistry. hot words over drink--that is my best hypothesis--hot words almost immeediatlie regretted. cuzzin hewbert is a hot-tempered man he fot cowntless dewls at oxford over matters theologikal.'

'hmm' sed lady jersey 'from wat i kno of lord grunestayn and hav herd of the honorubel hewbert there is much in wat you say. and the coach and 4?'

'coach and 4' x-claymed laydy cameron. 'that chit of a girl? depend upon it lady jersey wen his lordship and cuzzin robinson met littel proodens pewsie was asleep in her bed.'

****
'it was of corse a shatterbraned thing to do' sed sir nikkolas cameron to her grays the dowayjer duchess of paislie. it was known throo-owt london that-- in lyt of her beloved brothers dyr illness--the dowajer was not as the saying was at home. sir charles grunestayn it was wispered had sot admittence agayn and agayn but had bene tirned away.

nevertheless the duchess had fownd it in her hart to admit one witness of her brothers downfall. she sat now akross from him in her brite morning room in rich violet robes and if her eye stole from tym to tym to the fortepiano sir nikkolas did not reed any message there.

'x-playn it to me agane' sed the dowager and touched a slender hand to her alabaster forehed so festooned with awburn curls. 'my mynd has bene all of a wirl for days sir nikkolas. you sed that in his furie my unhappie brother had fot sir charles to a standstill wen--.'

'wen up charjes my laydie proodens on a wyt stallyon--a stallyon i ask you!--with the erls bastird--well maybe not charles bastird but his grandfathers or sum such--meeklie trotting behynd on a grey ponie. cuzzin hewbert looked up gobsmacked--and hoo can blaym him--and the erl filletted him. o i beg yore pardon.'

'no no' sed clementine hiding her dancing eies behind her hand. her voyse trembled dramatikallie 'do not spayr my feelings. i wud kno the hole. and laydie proodens throo herself before her nobel syr did she?'

'not she' sed nikkolas warmlie 'it was qwite shokking reelie for she throo herself befor cuzzin hewbert! lord! if i didnt kno hewbert to hav fixxed his intrest in qwite another qwarter i wud hav thot--! well lets just say that we will not be wishing any mrs major-jeneral lytton happy on her wedding day any tym soon. the old boy was shokked speechless. grunestayn did his best to smooth things over of corse. lord! if theres anything i dont lyk its a green girl hoo puts herself forward.'

'for shaym' sed her grays momentarilie driven from dissemblence. 'she did not but put a stop to this trajic meeting. and in so doing she sayved her fathers life. i cannot luv him--no--for a sisters love forbids that i luv my brothers erstwile slayer--but i at leest can honor the wumman hoo boldlie risked all to sayv human lyf. we scotswomen are not yore english bred-and-butter misses to cower at hoam wen the bagpyps warn battle is at hand!'

'bagpyps is apt' sed sir nikkolas eesily 'for it was that littel bagpyp of a bastird hoo summoned her to the fray.'

he stood.

'well i must tayk my leev your grays' he sed 'as much as it payns me to leev so much bewtie. i hav promissed my mother to kall upon pewsey huose. she has sum noshun--wud you credit it-- that the fayr horswumman and i wud soot.'

'i do credit it' sed the dowajer duchess promptlie 'and wat is mor i think it an x-sellent ideya. it trubbels me to think that her zeel to sayv all unknoing her mothers sekret luver may discredit her in the eies of sosietie. it wud be a shaym for an innosent to be so wronged for tho brayv she is sertanelie an innosent.'

'depressinglie so' sed sir nikk. 'if onlie you dear duchess had fayvored my soot...'

'get thee hens' sed the dowajer and standing rung the bell. 'i will hav no flirtayshus nonsens! for shaym sir! my brother lys abuv in wat may be his last agonie.'

'i beg yore pardon onse agane yore grace. i am a sad rakketie fellow.'

'you are' sed clementyn. 'i cud wish laydie proodens a better husband.'

'madame' sed sir nikk with a rogish grin 'i am entyrelie of the saym mind.'

wen the yung man had left the room the bewtiful dowajer fell deep in thot. she crossed the room sat at the fortepiano and sketched an arpeggio. but then she stood and went out to the hallway and up the grand stayrcays to the long corridor of bedrooms. she listened at a door for a moment and then turned the handle. she entered a dark and gloomy chamber.

'angus,' sed a voys a mans voys week with fever.

'indeed not' sed the duchess sweetlie. her skirts swept the dark carpets as she advansed upon the sick man. as her eies adjusted to the dim lit she saw with a cewrious pleshur the drawn whyt fays of her brother and the eager lite fayding from his eies. he shut them.

'madam' sed hewbert. 'i wud kno the wereabowts of my servitors.'

'goodness' sed his sister. 'how shud i kno? i imajin they are in servants halls or down in the shops or even in an alehuose. am i my brothers servants keeper?'

'obveeuslie not' sed hewbert. 'i kollekt you are yore brothers gaoler.'

'theres gratitood' sed clementyn klapping her hands to her hart. 'i am qwite hurt i declayr. ive a mynd not to tell you the laytest on-dit of the town.'

'o god' sed hewbert. 'not onlie my gaoler but my torcheror too. may i say madam that unless you bring me a glass of water you will find yore sport suddenlie curtayled.'

'o very well' sed clementyn krossing the room to the beeyuroh upon wich a jug of tepid water had silently taunted the suffering klerik all morning. she filled a cup whyl gailie chattering 'youl never gess hoo has just been by to see me!'

'charles' sed hewbert and struggled up onto an elbow. 'charles come at last. but he hasnt gone? he hasnt gone clementyn? i must see him. i must!'

'calm yoreself' sed clementyn crossing the room with the water. 'not charles but cuzzin nikkolas.' she broke off and pretended not to heer hewbert settel down agane with a groan on his flat and crumpled pillos. 'do you kno i am seeing qwyt another syd of cuzzin nikkolas. the on-dit has always bene that he carys nothing for green girls but it seems that he has fallen viktim at last.'

hewbert drank greedily from the cup in his sisters hands and some color returned to his fase as he let his hed fall bak and shut his eies.

'i am not intersted in nikks flirtayshuns' he sed. 'and ill hav you kno madam that it is onlie thanks to lyttons sharp eies that he did not--advententlie or inadvertentlie i kno not--kill both charles and me with his badlie cleened wepons!'

'yes yes yes so you sed' sed clementyn 'but from hints that you drop wen asleep--for you are at yore most diverting wen asleep brother--i think you will be most interested in this flirtayshun.'

'wat do you meen?' demanded hewbert. his eies opened and he turned his hed to look at his sister. 'speek wumman.'

but insted of reveeling wat she knew the bewtie got up from the chayr and took a tirn arownd the room.

'the pewsies' she mewsed and laffed. 'the pewsies. wat a fatal tendencie has the robinson clan for the huose of grunestayn hewbert does it not?'

'madame' sed hewbert and his dark eies burned with the fever that was wasting his but newly convalescent fraym. 'speek yore pees or qwit my chaymber. i do not kno wat you hav don with my staff but do not think that they will not fynd sum way to rescew me.'

'such drama' mermered clementyn.

hewbert was sylent.

'i must konfess' sed clementyn slyly 'that she is a tayking littel thing. she puts me in mynd of a merry littel bloobell dansing in the breez. those luvley pewsie eies of such a velvetie sky-lyk hew---.'

'madam i fayl to see--.'

'and such an aimiable smyling cowtenance--skin as soft and cleer as the petal of a whyt rose slightlie tinged with pink! her x-presshun so innosent and so winning!'

'madam i am awayr--.'

'not as yet a tall girl and her slim figewr is stil immatchur but i wud be surprised if it did not in a very short tym rippen lyk a succewlent--!'

'madam!' x-claymed hewbert with as much strength as he cud muster. 'i am perfektlie well akwainted with laydie proodens. ther is no need for yor panegyriks. i kno wat she looks lyk.'

'and wat spirit' sed clementyn remoreslesslie 'if onlie i had been ther hewbert to see her ryd lyk the spirit of bereeved wyvs and doters evrywere to demand peece! watever the damned sassenachs may say i kan respekt such a wumman! nay i cud have luvved such a sister-in-law. a pitie she has been n-tirely diskreditted befor sosietie.'

'no' rasped hewbert and ons agane he struggled to his l-bow. 'you ly! we were all sworn to sekrecie! if that devvil nikk has breethed a wird beyond--! and anyway how cud proodens be diskreditted? if ever ther was a heroine in nachur it is she! shurelie thees peepel are not so toploftie as to blaym a girl for ryding--eskorted, sister! eskorted!--to her fathers rescew!'

'well the on-dit--wich shud mayk you laff as merrilie as did i--is that proodens road not to her fathers rescew but to yores.'

she pawsed to see if wat effekt her wirds were havving.

'the amewsing konklushun that is being drawn by the ton is that laydie proodens was the proximayt caus of your enkounter. do i mean proximayt? i kan never keep the aristoteelian kategories strait.'

'outrageous!' rasped the sick man bright dots birning in his cheeks. 'you madam were the proximayt caus! and wer it not for the onor of our naym i wud x-pose you to charles for yore filthie and adultrus lusts which almost led to his undoing and to myn!'

'yes yes' drawled clementyn. 'how luckie for me that you are so n-tyrelie wedded to the onor of our naym. ah men! so powerful and yet yor power is so confownded by femayle desyr. i cud ryt a treeteez on that wud thro mrs wolstonkraft n-tyrelie in the shayd! but meenwile poor littel proodens for all her virchoo and curij is shortlie to be a drug on the marrij market. thank goodness nikk is ryding to her rescew.'

'nikk!'

'o yes! to giv nikk his dew hes not such a cawker to dreem for a minit that laydie proodens wud be no better than she shud be with you. he knos you you see. and the very idea that such a bewtiful and welthie girl such a spirited girl such a girl hitherto sot by so manie matrimonial pryzes wud bestow her favors upon such a cloth-heded ginger-nutted dryed up old prig of a prayting preecher is simplie ridikewlus to those in the kno.'

'ginger-nutted i may be' rasped hewbert 'but i am not so cloth-heded to think that nikk wud be axseptabul to laydie proodens nor she to him. givven wat you are madam i will scroopel to tell you that our cuzzins taytes are solely for ryper froot and tend towards the downstayrs. charles wud never allow such a dirtie dish to approach his doter.'

'ah but nikk now has every intenshun of marrying to pleez his familie' sed clementyn 'and if the skandal gets any wirs littel proodens will be luckie to get him.'

'this kannot be' groned hewbert. 'wat fresh hell is this? laydie proodens diskreditted--and all becos of my intemperat challenj! but shurely you are rong. shurely you hav misherd or rumor has lyed or--god forgyv you--you dissembel. wen you say she is diskreditted wat to you meen?'

'she was cut by laydie jersey' sed clementyn impressivlie.

the sick man fell silent.

'i kno not hoo she mite be' he sed at last 'i kollekt she is some doyenne or other. is she a freind of yours?'

'certanely she is a freind of myn' sed clementyn 'do you not kno that i am all the krak? deer brother i asshur you that thier is 0 rong with my kredit! the duke of kent offers for me evry third thursday. and indeed of the hi stiklers i am konsidered verie hi indeed! it has kom to my eers that i am toasted in the clubs of st jayms as the sno queen! of cors i cud not say this to anyone but you but givven wat we kno it is diverting is it not?'

her dark eies blazed with hellish twin flayms of pryd and deceet.

'then you must go to this laydie jersey' sed hewbert. 'you must tell her that laydie proodens is not to blaym--that laydie proodens is innosent of anything anyone may be saying! and you must go to her--be seen with her--invyt her into this huose--anything to reestablish her kredit!'

'o foo' sed his sister roodlie. 'wy shud i?'

'becos if you do not' sed hewbert closing his eies. 'i shall dy.'

clementyn shrugged.

'you are dying now my freind.'

'i shall dy' repeated hewbert unmooved 'and our brother will come down lyk an avenjing furie upon london to bring yoo to justis.'

'i' x-claymed clementyn. 'it is not i hoo hav murdered you but charles pewsie.'

'charles onlie woonded me--the surjeon shall attest to that. it is you madam hoo are slaying me by inches. and do not think that i perish that yore erlier crym will go unreported. och aye--i see that has got yore attenshun. i wonder wat the pressent dook of paisley mite not do to keep you off the stand.'

'you are delireeus sir' cryed clementyn 'i kno not of wat you speek.'

'you ly' sed hewbert 'and altho my last words may go unherd by kompasshunate wirds my akkewsayshun will sownd throo the streets of london and up and down this teeming island. from lands end to john o groats all britain will kno clementyn duchess of paisley to be a dirty poysoning murtheress! henry will see to that.'

'you liar!' skreemed his sister advansing upon him. 'you damned misbegotten liar! i hav half a mind to kill you in yore bed. i will smother you with the pillows! i will throttel you as eesilie as a kitten!'

'pleez do so' sed the reverend the honorabul hewbert robinson. 'the thot of you swinging from tyburn tree in yore shift offers me grate dethbed konsolayshun.

clementyn stopped stared throo back her hed and began to laff. in the hallway a passing chambermayd herd the laff and broke into a run back wence she caym.

'the devvil bless you hewbert' sed clementyn wyping away her teers of mirth 'for all yore postchuring you are x-actlie as am i.'

'i hoap and pray madam that you are rong in this as in so many other matters.'

'i may even do as you ask' sed clementyn tayking another tirn about the room. 'it wud be fyn sport come to think of it and wat beter way to asshure lord grunestayn of my very good fayth than to ree s-tablish his doter? ah wat a role! wat an actress i wud hav mayd brother!

ther was no reply from the bed. hewbert lay unmooving.

"brother?"

agane there was no replie. the duchess swiftlie approached the bed.

"hewbert?"

the man lay silent and the fine lines eched around his eies seemed to smooth away. his sister took his wrist and simultaneeuslie layd her intrikately coiffed auburn hed upon his chest.

"hewbert!’

as if obeying a summons from a duzen freeked out reeders the sick man regained conshusnes.

'my sufferings are wors than saint pauls' he mermered.

'hells bells' x-claymed his sister 'how you fritened me!'

clementyn took a bottle from her poket and wavved it under her brothers nose. he snorted tirned his fase way and groned.

'enough of this gothik foolishness' sed clementyn to herself. she took hold of the bellpull by the bed and pulled it vigoruslie. after a few moments there was the sound of hevie padding down the hall and swarthy mrs harvey dragged her bulk into the dark room. she rinkled her bulbus nose.

'lawks' she sed. 'its lyk an oven!'

'improov it then' ordered clementyn. 'theres been a chanj in plans. open the drayps and tayk off that hevie coverlet and fluff up the pillows and call for flowers and do and watever els is needful. ill summon a doctor from harley street. meenwile keep an eie on him. if he dys wyl im out ill hav you covvered in honie and tyed to an ant hill.'

'ho!' sed harvey 'will you indede! and wat abowt that lot lokked in the attik?'

'wat abowt them?' asked the dowager duchess. 'i am shur it must be lyk a holiday for them 0 to do but sit arownd and blether.'

'that parlormayd is up there with the men' sniffed the duchesses loyal henchwumman. 'it aint ryt it aint respektabul and im shur i cud yews sum help now that youv saddeled me with an invlid. my feet aint wat they were.'

'leev her be' sed clementyn 'i hav my own plans for the wench. now stop moaning and get on with yore work. if you leev this room ill hav you skinned alyv. im going out.'

'not in that gown you aint' sed harvey.

'verrie troo' sed clementyn koolie and with one bakward look at her brother swept out of the room.

***
more tomorrow now i want choklit.