Friday, 20 December 2013

another bakk chaptr

thank you thank you nachuraly you miss me but its serafiks falt litwo ojczyzno moja indede. she studys nite and day i want to be sik. wat abowt the xmas bakking i ask? still at leest wen those big skary men were in the huose she bakked stuff wich as we kno is the point to my outer adult. apart from being a contayner for me i mene. rofl! bakking shoping and contayning thats the tikkut. o that she wud buy an it-bag insted of polish lesons. how i wish i were jkrowlings inner child insted.

anyway as it is the seeson of good will and santa heer i am to giv you another bak chapter of the bodis riper befoar my grate plunj into new stuff. so heer we go. remmember that hewberts servants hav bene stuffed in clemenyns attik and that angus and mr macdonald are the same man. this is important or you mite be confewsd. the kichen boy/soo shef micheal macintyr is the only roamn kathlik in the n-tyr storie so you may wish to wach his kareer with intrest.


part three (wy is there no numbber for three?)

chapter 2

the attiks of the duchess half-moon street manshun were x-tensiv but onlie roodlie finished. a projekt to tirn them into servants qwarters had been aloud to lapse. the skeleton staff which wich the revrent hewbert robinson had thot to bring with him from skotland--valet french chef coachman kichen boy footman and parlor mayd--had fownd themselvs on thier arrival s-corted into a larj and dustie chamber--aksesibul by a door to the stayrwell--and lokked in.

the servants chagrin wen they diskovered thier imprisonment is beyond my pen and preferred choys of dikshun. the oaths employed by valet and coachmen were obseen and those of the french chef franklie blaspheemus. micheal macintosh the kichen boy (or soo-chef as he kalled himself) and dayvie ross the footman listened to thier elders assalts upon the n-glish and french langwages with aw. sharlott stuffed her fingers in her eers.

'its no yews' sed jon coachman rubbing the shulder that had fayled to prevayl agaynst the door
'its been bolted top middul and bottum.'

'its nobbut a wooden door' x-claymed angus 'and no door will keep me from mah puir wee mr hewbert. all together ons agane.'

but the strayning senior staff were at last forsed to admit defeet. they prodded x-perimentallie at the various windows cut into the roof but these had been lokked shut and were at such a presipitus angel that to smash one and crawl throo was tantamownt to sooisyd. one by one the staff gayv up and began to mayk the most of thier sojirn.

jon coachman had brot a pakk of cards and distraked himself from worrie abowt his eqwyn charges by playing endless gayms with monseeur dufflet and the boys. mr macdonald howevr never gayv up aktiv thot of s-cayp and spent the n-tyr first day of thier imprisonment testing the floorbords beneeth them.

it had okkurred to angus that thier best chans lay with the appeerans of watever servant was sent to bring them thier meels. if the men all rushed him they mite overpower him long enuff to get downstayrs. howevr this servant was a veerlie long tym in koming and and when the bolts were skraped bakk a lowd voys warned them that any ruff stuff wud be answered with a retort from the barkers. and shur enuff wen a beefie and redfased footman carried in 2 steeming bukkets of stew and a string bag of wooden bowls and spoons he was covered by a swarthy groom with a pistol in either hand. a starvved looking wumman followed with a torch.

'this is outrajgeus' x-claymed mr macdonald rysing up lyk an angrie goos. 'are we felons to be imprissoned in this manner? if this is my masters sister her grayses ideya of hospitalitie then it is cleer she has lived overlong in n-gland!'

'you kan sayv yor breth to kool yore stew old gaffer' sed the swarthy groom 'seeing as how i doant savvy yore heethen skottish tung.'

he ran an eie over the prisoners in the flickering lite and both jon coachman and michael macintosh both cashually stepped in front of sharlott effektivlie remooving her from veiw.

'he says this is an outrayg' flaymed up monsieur dufflet 'and me i agree. befor the revolooshun i gaston dufflet was chef to no less a personage than the duc of lorane. with my art i hav mayd the men the most implacable weep and mayk thier first confession in 30 yeers so as to retirn to the taybl to n-joy dessert with a sole as cleen as that of child nooly baptyzed.'

'lissen froggie' sed the ruffian. 'i cudnt giv a tinkers. my orders are to mayk shur you stay up heer until my mistress says you kan come down.'

'but in the naym of the wee man wy?' yelled angus. 'oor master is ailing beneeth our feet and it is our dutie to cayr for him. very odd he will think it if ah dinnae come to him. wy man heell fret himself into a fever and he was alredy luiking peelie-wallie the puir wee lamb!'

the gunman kocked his hed and looked at him with brite eyes.

'i kan heer the wirds koming out but i hav no ideeya wat they meen. you keep yore tung between yore teeth jock and leev the bakchat to froggie.'

'he says our master is ill and needs our assistance' snapped monsieur dufflet. 'we demand to see him at ons.'

'at leest tell us how he fayrs!' x-claymed the coachman.

'the bairn' showted angus in desperayshun 'at leest tayk the bairn to see him.'

'i doant kno nuffink abowt it' sed the gunman. 'you done there peter? lets go then. after you martha. toodle-oo froggie. hav a good nite.'

they had a bad nite. as they all were advansed enuff in servis to rayt proper bedding they wer unewsed to sleeping on floor bords. and as they had been separated from thier belongings they had no coverings but thier coats and these had been sacrifised to mayk sharlot tollerablie comfortabul. sharlot her nervs kompletelie abrayded by the revelayshuns of the day was inklined to be weepie and tried to refews the speshul treetment.

'its wat mr hewbert wud want' sed mr angus 'so wheest.'

'o but mr angus' sed sharlott. 'that was befor wen he thot i was... wen he thot i was...'

'ook' sed mr angus 'ah ken. but if you think the master if going to treet you much diffrent the noo you can think agane. as much as i wanted the strangle ye sharlott ye did the master a good servis by feching laydie proodens to brake up that stramash. hed hav broken his hart over sir charles if heed kilt him. but if id done wat youv done hed hav my guts for garters ay.'

2 mor days and 2 mor nites of imprisonment passed n-livened onlie by visits from the food deetayl and thier mocking armed gard. the air grew thik and unholesum. the prisoners felt itchy and unkleen. the men sprouted stubbel and thier tempers frayed. monsieur dufflet wiled away the tym by descrybing in minewt detayl the feests he had prepared for the duc of lorrane and the hungrie men were finallie drivven to demanding that he hold his tung. thus insulted he throo down his kards and sot the companie of sharlott. sharlott was a better listener and thrilled to the stories of forein playses and nobelity.

on the morning of the 4th day to the surprise of all the bolts scrayped bakk. with a wispered showt mr angus ordered sharlot into the furtherest darkest corner of the attik and the gunman appeered in the doorway with onlie martha for companie.

'well' he sed. 'i reckon you lot hav been holding out on me.'

he grinned widelie and black gaps gayv varietie and interest to his smyle.

'they tell me thiers a femayl up heer.'

'then you have the information faultie' sed monsieur dufflet getting up from the floor. 'i asshur you monsieur that that i hav been feeling most accewtlie the lack of companie feminine.'

'is that so? then why hav i been sent to fech her down? her nibs wants to see her. and come to think of it i want to see her too you sly boots.'

all the men rose to their feet. michael lay a restraining hand on the shulder of red-faysed dayvie.

'indeed of a suretie her grays has been misinformed' sed monsieur dufflet. 'but if her grays wishes to konsult any of us regarding the comfort of our master her brother we wud---.'

'stow it' sed the gunman looking over his hed. 'martha serch the room'.

martha peered into the gloom.

"heer kittie kittie kittie" she crooned and kakkeled.

as she inched forward she fownd her way impeeded by both the tall blak-hayred yung man with bloo eies and the boy.

'ere!' shouted the gunman. 'none 'o that!'

he raised the barkers on the yung men as martha fell bakk.

'no no' sed sharlott hurriedlie koming into the lite 'its nae bother. id be happie to see her grays.'

'good girl' sed the gunman but he looked a tryfel disappoynted. 'skinnie littel thing aincher? o well. get you downstayrs. and as for the rest of you you kan kool yore heels.'

mr angus kleered his throte.

'it may intrest ye to kno' he sed ponderuslie ' that miss blakkie has freinds in x-seedinglie hi playses and that her grays brother has a partikewlar intrest in her kareer. indeed as mr robinson has nae bairns of his ain and is a man of unyewshoal jenerosity it is not impossibul that in fewchur he may mayk this yung lassie his ward.'

'you know' sed the gunman. 'they tell me you lot speek n-glish but i cant credit it. wat he say froggie?'

the chef dulie translayted and the gunman sed that that was all very sweet but non of his bizness so they cud shut it. with a speeking look at mr angus and one kwik bakward look at michael sharlott followed old martha down the stayrs.

she fownd herself being led down several flytes of sandstone stayrs to a pleasant stone-lined sellar well-lit by sunnie windows set high abuv. a flock of kichen mayds in whyt aprons and handsom footmen in livverie hurried bakk and forth over the well-kleened floor. sharlott felt an enormus sens of releef and sniffed eegerlie at the ordinarie everyday smells of lavender and baking bred.

old martha stopped in front of a green door and pushed it open. it was a dormitory with two bunk beds of three emptie bunks and a window set neer the seeling. agaynst the wall was a tabyl with a jug and basin of steeming water. besyd it was a cleen grey bodis and skirt grey hose wyt petticoat and a smart starched wyt pinafore and cap set on a chayr.

'that alls for you' sed the old wumman in her krakked voyse. 'get in ther and kleen yerself up. ill be bak in a moment to tayk you to her grays.'

she pushed sharlott insyd and shut the door.

sharlotte slipped off her shoes and hurriedlie did as she had been told. altho her hed told her to s-cayp and fynd her way back to pewsey huose to e-lissit aid her hart sed she cudnt mayk the attempt until after she had assertayned the immediayt kondishun of her master. wen martha retirned she plastered a dosyl look on her fays and obedientlie followed her along the korridor and up another flyt of stone servants steps glansing shewdlie throo the windows of evry door they past.

'her grays is verrie partikewlar' sed martha. 'yes verrie parikewlar indeed. so you had beter be a good girl or youll find yoreself bakk up in the attik with the other pigins my prittie.'

'yes mam' sed sharlott memmorizing thier roote.

'no need to call me mam' sed the old woman. 'old martha will do. iv been in the dooks servis lo these manie manie yeers and to his father befor him and i was old martha to his father and i am old martha to him.'

'ook' sed sharlott with kunning 'i thot her grays was a widow.'

'that she is that she is' sed martha. 'my dook is her grays brother in law and id cut myself into littel peeses for him so i wud. hes a fyn master for all of his wyld ways. and wy shudnt he be wyld?'

she stopped and glared at sharlott as if she had uttered sum kritism of the current dook of paisley. the girls dosyl x-presshun flickered.

'id be wyld myself if i wer a yung man of his posishun' croked martha. 'lawks!'

'a guid master is a grate blessing' sed sharlott.

'youv got that ryt' sed martha. 'ah it does my hart good just to think of his grays and his brayv bold spirrit. they kall him the nekromanser but i laff em to skorn.'

'i luv my master too' sed sharlott 'do you ken how he gets on?'

'shh!' hissed martha. 'heer we are. absolootlie no tawking past this door. if thers anything her grays kannot abyd it is the sound of servant chatter.'

she pushed open the door to a bare servants hallway and then opened a door into a vast bedroom. altho sharlott was yewsed to the noo town elegans of mr robinsons sharlott squar residense she had to blink at the sumpshusness of the dowayjer duchess's own pryvat chaymber.

the walls were covvered with sky bloo silk and gold-framed payntings of bewtiful nakked ladyies by streems and of almost nakked men with big muscles fiting other almost nakked men with big muscles or lions. these were interspersed with gold-framed mirrors and grate hi windows that looked down upon a beautiful garden.

ther was a gold and whyt painted vanitee taybel and a simplie enormus bed with gold and bloo hangings. the seeling was painted with a huge sceen of three bewtiful ladies and a man in a toonik with a golden appel. in the backgrownd a city went up in flaymes. the thick karpet under sharlotts feet spilled woven flowrs in all direkshuns and out the open doors to a grand sitting-room. the air was hevy with the perfewm of the sweet peas in vayses dotted all about the chaymber and sharlott felt almost overwelmed with the bewtie of it all.

'as god is my witnes no man has ever set foot in this chaymber sins it was noolie dekorayted' hissed martha in sharlotts eer. 'its a pitie aint it a grate laydie lyk her. but her grays is very particular.'

'ook' sed the blushing sharlott 'ay.'

'you stay heer now' sed the old wumman. 'dont touch anything'.

and mumbling to herself she went out the servants door--almost invisible from the insyd--and shut it behynd her. sharlott was alone in the beeutiful chaymber. not knowing wat els to do she stood in the middel of the carpet and wayted.

she did not hav to wayt long. a door opened and a lithe red-headed woman in a rich violet gown kaym into the room. havving seen her portrayt in mr robinsons studie sharlotte knew her at onse as her grays the duchess of paisley. she sank into a cirtsie and tried not to tremble.

'so this is sharlott!' cryed the yung dowayjer in a sweet deeplie edinburg voys that mayd irrashunal hope spring up in the parlormayds brest. 'i hav herd all abowt you! the notty mayd hoo broke up an n-gayjment of honor!'

sharlott blushed and sank into another cirtsie.

'no no' laffed the duchess. 'dinnae look so ashaymed sharlott. thees missish ayrs are not for skotswuman such as we. and between ourselves i am glad my hot-tempered brother has been savved from bekoming a murderer. such shokking behaviour! and he a minister of the gospel too. wat a very bad x-ampel to us all.'

'ook yore grays--!'

'ah yes' interrupted the duchess and took sharlotts fays between her glovved hands. 'i kan well understand that you must be wondering how your master is. wat a good and loyal girl--just as my brother sed! well sharlott you kan be at ees for mr robinson tho poorlie at the momment is in very good hands and we will soon see him up agane and prating at us all for our despikabul sins watever they may be.'

'ook but yore grays---?'

sharlotts qwestshun faltered on her tung as she say the duchess sunnie cowtananece klowd over with annoyans.

'i hoap sharlott' sed her grays coldlie 'that you are not going to complayn of yore qwarters these past few days. it is no eesie thing to combyn too huoseholds ken and i am shur you kan imajin how we hav all bene thrown in an upror by resent evvents. we had to konsider yore master first of all.'

'ook no yore grays' sed sharlott deeplie distirbed 'ah dinnae meen to komplayn. ook no! ah am pairfektlie--ah am--ah-- it disnae matter abowt us yore grays we were pairfekltie that is to say we onlie were so worrit abowt the master.'

the clowd disappeered and the bewtiful duchess beemed upon the parlormayd agane.

'ook' she sed. 'that does you and the men grate kredit sharlott and now that i think abowt it i was remiss not to hav asshuranses carried upstayrs. that must be seen to. but in the meentym sharlott we must see wat i kan do for you.'

'for me yore grays?'

'yes for you. now that yore master my brother has n-trusted you to my kayr lets see wat we kan do. he has sed that you are a very good and deserving yung femayl hoo ot to advans in servis. iv a mynd to trayn you up as a sort of laydies mayd companyon. we kan begin by teeching you how to dress a nobelwumman and then--if i find that you are kwik and abel--i will tayk you along with me on a kall.'

sharlott cud skarslie beleev her eers.

'me yore grays?'

the duchess laffed and the sound was as merry as slay bells in the sno.

'aye you sharlott. now let us go to the closet and see if the seamstress has mended my grass-green gown. i always try to look my very best for a visit to the pewsies.'

well that is enuff for today my outer adult wants the tabul for litwo ojczyzno moja nonsens. i cud starv for all she kayrs. i am onlie bothering becos of my fanns esp notburga shiraz sheela and nuns.


Heather in Toronto said...

Inner child shud get all the choklit she wants!

sciencegirl said...

haha! i would love to see the soo-chef on masterchef or hells' kitchen. i think he could do quite well!

Shiraz' Inna Chyld said...

Fanks soooo much. Tat wiz oarsum. Ur biggest fan.