Sunday, 27 June 2010

You Don't Have To

I'm in mantra mode tonight. I feel like telling you all the stuff you don't have to do.

You don't have to go all the way on your wedding night. You're allowed to space out the stages of togetherness. You're allowed to do what feels right to YOU.

You don't have to kiss before all your friends and family during the wedding ceremony. There is no "You may now kiss the bride" in the Catholic liturgy. Even if there were, the groom could just say, "Thanks!" "You may" doesn't mean "You have to, right now, like a performing seal."

You don't have to kiss your new spouse because people are banging the crystal with their forks. They can bang until the cows come home; you don't have to do it. Me, I'd have kissed the best man instead. That would have shut them up. (Har, har!)

My little Singles, you never have to do anything romantic or sexual that you do not want to do. Yes, sometimes you may choose (choose FREELY) to humour your boyfriend by carrying around the huge teddy bear he won "for you" at the fair. And sometimes you may choose to be delighted with the big stuffed red valentine heart with arms and legs your girlfriend gave you for Valentine's Day. But you do not have to do anything physical or super-private that makes you feel uncomfortable, ever.

If you don't want to do ANYTHING sexual with your actual spouse, then there's a problem, and you will have to talk to your spouse and (choose one, both or all) a priest/a doctor/a counsellor/a shrink. But, in general, you do not HAVE to kiss/make-out/make love when you don't want to. Hopefully you will want to. But if you don't always want to, do not sweat it. This is the West; I presume you're all free to choose to marry someone who loves you and respects your boundaries.


Cordi said...

"You don't have to go all the way on your wedding night."

How encouraging and eminently sensible!

theobromophile said...

Wonderful mantra, Seraphic!

I think that some of the "You may now kiss the bride" thing may have come about through Judiasm, wherein the super-traditional ceremony would include the couple going off to their bedchambers and returning to the festivities with a bloodstained sheet in hand. In comparison, a big smooch is rather tame (and private), but it still strikes me as being crass. SO HAPPY to know that I'm not the only one who feels that way!

"You may" doesn't mean "You have to, right now, like a performing seal."

Who brought up performing seals? [Looks around whilst munching on dark-chocolate and pistachio toffee bars....]

berenike said...



healthily sanguine said...

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