I had a conversation with a Single friend yesterday that went something like this:"I'm just not ready to date again."
"I totally understand that."
"But I have been having a great time going out with my dance partner."
"Uh huh."
"And I did go to a film with the charming optometrist."
"I think you're dating."
"What?"
"Going out with men is dating. One man + one woman + outing = dating."
"Oh no," said my friend. She was sad. "But I'm just having fun. I don't want it to be serious."
"It doesn't have to be serious," I said. "But it's definitely dating. I hope you don't think you're going out with single men as friends. Searching Single men and Searching Single women can't be friends."
"That makes me feel sad," said my friend.
This was all over instant message, if you are wondering why we sound so stilted.
"Okay," I said. "I make an exception for priests, monks, gay men, way-too-young men and way-too-old men, and also the husbands of your friends, to a certain extent. With all other friendship-worthy men, there is a likelihood of vroom-vroom sexual attraction getting in the way. And although it can complicate things, this is good for the species."
One of the thing that bothers me about modern life is that young women hang out with lovely, kindly men who love them, but say "Oh, but we're just friends, it's nothing serious" but then date immoral scumbags and say, "It's serious." I mean, it's the other way around. Good man = serious; scumbag = not serious.
It took me over 30 years to get to the headspace where I found goodness sexually attractive. Unfortunately I was surrounded by male religious at the time. But, in general, the sooner a woman gets to good = sexy, the better.
"Is this optometrist divorced?" I asked.
"I don't know. He could even be married."
"What?!"
"Would it be flirtatious if I asked him?"
"No, it would be normal."
Another modern problem is that we pretend some bedrock things are social constructs and then elevate social constructs to bedrock things. Dating is a social construct. Men and women finding each other sexy is bedrock. New immigrants to the USA, the UK, and Canada are right to suspect our concept of "dating" and think it just an excuse for men to spend unsupervised time with women they find attractive. Camille Paglia is very funny about it in Vamps and Tramps.
I am anticipating outcries from women who have great male buddies and wonder if I don't have close male buddies of my own. And I have to say, sure I do, and every last one of them is a hottie. I have had a small or large crush of short or long duration on each and every one of them. They are stars. But I'm married, and just like a priest with female buddies, I keep them at a friendly distance.
When people read the crankier parts of my book, they will assume I don't like men, but the opposite is true. I love men. The older I get, the more I love them, which will become embarrassing when I am eighty and deaf. ("Tricia, who is that immensely TOOTHSOME young man?")
But I mostly like them to look at or flirt with, which proves that I am not a man's woman. I would never, ever say "Frankly, I prefer the company of men." Too much company of men, unless my husband or brothers, can be a snore. I need my Girl Time. Oh dear, this has become about me again.
Anyway, unless it is true what they say about chemicals in the plastic baby bottles, human nature is still the same, and when a man of ordinary sexuality wants to go somewhere fun (and I mean fun, not an excuse to cry on her shoulder) with a woman by themselves, it is not because he likes her as a friend but because he thinks she's hot. And why not? It's flattering. You don't have to do with, or feel about, him anything you don't want to do with, or feel about, him, ever. If you want to go to the film, go. If you don't want to kiss him, don't.
My unsolicited advice for the day is to call men by their correct names:
Boring guy. He is not even "just a friend." He is an acquaintance. It is okay not to think of him as a friend. Not everybody can be your friend. You are not a bad person if you don't think of men who bore the socks off you as your friends.
Great Single (not vowed, ordinary-sexualitied) guy your age you love being around. He might not be "just a friend". He is a potential romance--unless, of course, for some reason he thinks of you as "just one of the boys".
HOWEVER, girls, if there is a guy you like so much you wish he were a woman, this guy is NOT dating potential. A guy who makes you feel like a louse because you won't date him is a bad friend. Tell him. And if he doesn't quit, he's not even your friend anymore. He's a jerk.
8 comments:
What about a newly-widowed-with-children guy who's not very emotionally stable who keeps asking you to do things (like, can he come wrap Christmas presents at your house? can you join the family for dinner at a restaurant, his treat? he can help me with home improvement projects, etc)? I love the family, but I'm not interested in becoming part of it!
Well, I'm not surprised the guy isn't emotionally stable. His wife just died. He has kids. He must be going through hell. Poor man!
What you do, dear EA, is pray for him. Pray and pray and pray. Offer up an afternoon of fasting for the sins the poor man may commit while in his mourning state. And you keep a friendly distance.
My grandmother had a nervous breakdown with my grandfather died. I went a bit bonkers when I left my first husband. Great grief and pain often point to a trip down Bonkers Alley. If the widow, widower or about-to-divorce person isn't careful, their pain and suffering will not be temporary. Suddenly-Single people often make TERRIBLE decisions. They fight and scramble to get into a new relationship, one that will help dull the pain and the loneliness, and their judgement is not so good.
I think you will have to gently let down the poor man. Say, "John, I appreciate you're going through a tough time right now. But I don't feel a spark between us." If you him really well, you might add that you read this lady who writes for Single people, and she warns that widowers and soon-to-be-divorced people often jump into relationships way too soon.
Now, since John is not very emotionally stable right now, he might cry. And that is not your fault. That is not John's fault.
After a year, if you still know John, he might look better to you. Or he might be remarried already. As the saying goes, widows remarry because they hope, and widowers remarry because they remember.
Widowers often remarry within a year or so of their wife dying. Especially if they have kids. I was told this by a grief councilor.
She herself was a widow and waited five years, then married a widower less than one year after his wife died. Men who have been in love are more likely to be so again apparently.
The "It doesn't have to be serious" line can't be emphasized enough. Because I think that's what a lot of people really mean when they say, "We're just friends," anyway. They mean, "Of course we're attracted to each other, but we're not in a serious relationship yet (and may not ever be), so don't get the impression that we are. Don't start planning our wedding in your head, and imagining us having kids together."
I think part of the problem, too, is that many people, especially non-religious people, think that "dating" = "being in a physical relationship," which is not necessarily the case.
Great Single (not vowed, ordinary-sexualitied) guy your age you love being around. He might not be "just a friend". He is a potential romance--unless, of course, for some reason he thinks of you as "just one of the boys".
One of these days, you'll tell us bourbon-drinking, billiards-playing, car-repairing engineer-types how to be seen as an actual female. (No, wearing our hair long doesn't help. Wearing skirts doesn't help. Knowing the ins and outs of the male psyche just makes it worse.)
"And I did go to a film with the charming optometrist."
"I think you're dating."
...
"Is this optometrist divorced?" I asked.
"I don't know. He could even be married."
Here is where I get all sorts of cranky. Married men should not be going out alone with women unless their wives are well aware of the event and have been invited along. If the wife can't go for a particular evening, fine, but she ought to be the in the picture.
That should be established, definitively, pre-film. "Oh, thank you for the invite! I just have to ask, though: are you married or dating seriously? If so, I would absolutely love to meet your girlfriend/wife and hope she'll be joining us." Aside from casting out the bad-intentioned men, it will establish you (hopefully) as a moral, sensible lady in the eyes of Single men.
Theobrom, you ask some challenging questions. I may have to take the question of how a car-repairing engineer can project herself as a Lady to Les Girls back home.
Meanwhile, to defend my dear friend, she was thinking "just friends" and "keeping it light" to the maximum degree--so maximum that she didn't want to risk looking romantically interested by asking him such a personal question. There are some women who sometimes WANT to be "one of the boys" everywhere (sometimes), not just at the office!
"That makes me feel sad," said my friend.
"I am anticipating outcries from women who have great male buddies and wonder if I don't have close male buddies of my own. And I have to say, sure I do, and every last one of them is a hottie. I have had a small or large crush of short or long duration on each and every one of them. They are stars."
It makes me feel sad too, and I disagree that men and women can't be friends - and what about non-searching singles? Does it not just depend on the person? While I think it would be foolish not to keep in mind the potential for attraction, there are some cases that are simply clear cut, where there is no attraction, and you really are just buddies even if you had 3 meals a day together. I am very happy to have male friends like that, who don't bore me, who are my age, who I'm not attracted to and who are not attracted to me and we get along like a house on fire. I'm really sad if people can't experience what that's like...
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