Tuesday 29 May 2012

"Be My Girlfriend But You Should Know..."

I got an email last week from a first year uni student who got a big crush on a guy in third year. After two months of being friends, the guy delighted the girl by "admitting" to "liking" her and then shortly afterwards asking to be his girlfriend. They adjusted their relationship statuses on Facebook, and spent loads more time together.

However.

However, when the NCB told the NCG that he liked her, he added a qualifier. He said she should know that he was still getting over somebody else. But our NCG didn't pay much attention to this, so happy and excited was she that this NCB "liked" her.

Now, though, whenever the NCB mentions this other girl, our NCG feels extremely jealous, especially when the NCB thinks up excuses to visit the other girl at her home. After trying to hide her jealousy, our NCG blew up at him, and he said it was hard for a person to give up feelings for a woman he has had a crush on for three years.

Three years?! Where to start, where to start...

Actually, there was a lot more, so I started with that. The letter-writer is a teenager, so I was a lot more careful and soothing in my response than I usually am. But this morning I am in a stroppy mood, so I can go back to my preferred tone of outraged shouting.

What kind of guy tells a girl he likes her and wants her to be his girlfriend, but by the way he still isn't over this other girl?????!!!!


Why do we let such guys get away with that??????!!!!


If it were still the age of payphones, the only appropriate response to "I want you to be my girlfriend, but there's this girl" would be to hand the boy/man a couple of coins, stand up, and say "Call me when you're ready for a real relationship."

How many college freshman have that kind of spine, though, eh? And, honestly, it is so hard to hear the bad news after the good news. The words "I like you" out of the mouth of a guy you like are so wonderful, so magically potent, that it is very hard to make yourself hear the qualifiers that follow afterwards. If they are "but you should know I'm still not over another girl", not only are they unpleasant, they're crazy.

It's like being crowned Miss America and then kicked in the stomach by the same guy. You've got the crown and the flowers, the crowds are cheering, and you've been kicked in the stomach, which makes absolutely no sense in that context, so you ignore it and wave.

However, you darned well have been kicked in the stomach, and the sooner you face up to that, the better. Any guy who says "I like you but I think you should know that I'm still not over this other girl" is DANGEROUS to your happiness. He is dangerous to your happiness because he thinks his telling a girl he's asking to like him about another girl he likes makes everything honest and okay. But the fact is that he is not a good guy onto whom to pin your romantic hopes because he is stuck on another girl.

I am particularly passionate about this because nothing, NOTHING, has sucked me in like the bait-and-switch. For some reason my brain just does not go into red alert with shouts of CRAZY! CRAZY! WHOOP! WHOOP! but scrambles about madly tidying the crazy under a carpet so I can't see it anymore.

Sure, the NCB is lonely. And, sure, it must be nice for him to have a girl who is crazy about him after three years of hankering fruitlessly after Miss Perfect. But he's also not rooted in, or particularly interested in the reality that it is better to be involved with someone who actually cares for you than with someone who couldn't care less.

Then there's the fact that because Miss Perfect never does anything, she never does anything wrong. That leaves the poor girlfriend dancing about, second-guessing all she says and does, and wondering if he really cares for her, instead of cultivating the friendly remoteness that all smart women ought to have before feeling ready to place their hearts on the line.

It is never good to use a human being as a means for some end. Things are to be used, but people are to be enjoyed for themselves. It is not okay to "date" or, really, monopolize a girl's leisure time, as a means to get over some other girl. It isn't fair. And, in fact, any man who is trying to get over some other girl should tell a girl that if she is the one pursuing him. It is really NOT ON for him to go after a girl he is pretty sure likes him when he knows he really is stuck on someone else. In the old days this was called "trifling with a lady's affections." It wasn't okay in 1912, and it isn't okay now.

And this reminds me of how much I hate the "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationship and all the fake rules and fake traditions and fake expectations that grow up around it. It's a store dummy dressed up to look like marriage. It used to be people announced only their engagements and marriages in print; now they publish news of their "relationships" on Facebook, as if those "relationships" were built on a lasting commitment. We have all kinds of relationships with people who love us passionately, if without sexual desire, and we never click a button on Facebook to announce the start of those.

But I digress. The main point to take away is to be rooted in reality. Listen to everything a man says, not just the stuff that sounds great, and make decisions based on all the data, especially your gut reactions.

Update: By the way, there is something seriously wrong with chastity education when all we tell girls is to look out for guys who just want sex. We should also be telling girls to look out for guys who just want a security blanket (e.g. seminarians who date), or who just want a friendly smokescreen (e.g. gay guys who date girls), or who are too cheap to pay for a therapist (e.g. cute guys who meet up so they can tell you about other girls) or who are looking for the non-sexual perks of marriage without having to get married first (e.g. guys who "need" help with their laundry/cooking/cleaning).

And no doubt guys should be warned against NCG who aren't really interested in marriage right now as much as they are in emotional adventures and the rush of falling in love and the thrill of lover's triangles and all that powerful operatic crap girls read about in books.

12 comments:

Lena said...

Young Women, listen to your Aunt Seraphic.

Young Canadian RC Male said...

Hey Seraphic. Thanks for making sure in your update that both sides, including guys, know what to not look for when pursuing dating. Good to see you are thinking about us NCB's too!
:)

YCRCM

Jam said...

Why do we let such guys get away with that??????!!!!

Probably because we don't like to think that Mr Handsome could actually be that stupid and/or cruel? "He managed to get his shoes tied this morning, he can't possibly be so inane as to actually suggest I be his girlfriend when he's hung up on someone else!"

Seraphic said...

Yep. We don't like to think it, but, yes, he so often is.

Men simply do not think like women.

Marie Louise said...

Well, I'm not sure it's cruel if he warned her in advance. That's like dating an alcoholic and arguing he's cruel to drink when really he warned you before you got together. The guys I have an issue with are the ones who are dishonest. but this hapless guy at least told her the truth and assumed she would not agree to be his girlfriend unless she was ok with that situation. It's a bit clueless of him, but I think it's harsh to say cruel. And to be fair, a lot of the blame lands on us women because when guys tell us unpleasant facts, we often ignore them. I say this as someone who has been guilty of this myself - a boy I dated told me he didn't want a relationship and would date me but not be my boyfriend, and I let him. And really, I can't blame him for that - I knew what I was getting into and chose to ignore the facts. Similarly, this boy is a bit of an idiot thinking this wouldn't be a problem, but we girls have to start listening to what men tell us and take them at face value.

Jam said...

I'm feeling strident tonight so: it's only if he's being un-self-aware or less than honest that I'll let him off the hook for the word "cruel". I think it is objectively a bit cruel if you sit down and say, "I'm not that into this chick, but she's really into me; so we'll have a nice cozy girlfriend-boyfriend relationship while I continue to sigh over my one true love." It IS cruel to do that to someone and then step back when she's unhappy with it and say "I warned you!"

But I'm willing to concede most guys aren't quite so hard-hearted, cold-sighted, and utilitarian as that; and probably there is some level of temporary insanity going on. Something like, "if I just could get on with someone else, I'd get over her." In which case, "cruel" may well be a bit strong, but only because of mitigating circumstances.

None of which is to deny that the girl -- girls generally, all of us -- really ought to pay more attention and proceed prudently instead of half-consciously going along with a situation that rationally is pretty messed up.

(Some people would probably say it *is* cruel for someone struggling with a demon of a disease like alcoholism to drag someone else into it. I won't comment on that, though; I only comment on teenage romance.)

Seraphic said...

True dialogue after messed up relationship:

Third Party: What were you thinking?

Guy: 'Thinking'?

okiegrl said...

Wow... Yep, the guy's a louse. Too bad for NCG. I've been in situations where I've ignored information, and it wasn't fun. Basically any guy that says "I like you, but..." should be written off, at least for the time being. He needs to deal with whatever issues first before he's boyfriend material.

n.panchancha said...

So true! And so incredibly hard to accept when you're already crazy about someone. :( I hope your emailer will get out of her situation with minimal emotional damage.

I know, though, that despite the fact that "men do not think the way women do," women can be tempted to start this kind of drama, too. (But not any of your readers, surely!) The idea of being attractive to someone when you've been passed over by your "first choice" can seem very consoling, but that's still using a person as a means to an end, as you mentioned. Not okay!

sciencegirl said...

The problem I have with this guy is that he is now chastising his girlfriend for trying to get him over his crush.

Ok, he was so very, very honest. Well, not really. How many of us could have said the same thing at one point? Crushes NORMALLY come and go unless a person tries very hard to maintain them; none of mine have lasted three months, let alone three years! You see, I figured if I'd had a crush on a guy for three months and hadn't got a date with him even after lots of hints and flirting, I'd better get over it. I also didn't applaud myself as a romantic heroine for experiencing unrequited love. If a man told me "Oh, I am getting over a crush on that girl over yonder, but I really want to date you," I'd think a few of dates with me would make him forget about the other chick. Maybe he wouldn't want to keep dating me forever, but he would lose interest in her.

It sounds to me like true honesty would have been "I have obsessed unhealthily over an unobtainable girl for 3 years, and have no intention of stopping. Care to date me? If you get angry about my continued infatuation and the actions I take to keep it alive, I will yell at you."

And I have to ask, since when has honesty, and not charity, been considered the highest virtue in Christianity? Telling someone "I will treat you badly, is that okay with you?" does not excuse uncharitable deeds, people.

That freshman needs to show her older facebook status the door and not speak to him again. Delete his emails, delete his facebook messages, ignore texts. He's more into drama than he is into her, and it's not worth it.

Elisa S.C. said...

Oh wow, I realized actually know the people we're talking about. (Knew this story sounded familiar!!) To put it in a little more context, NCG wasn't really that interested in NCB in the beginning. Sure he was a cute, funny NCB but she didn't care much for dating...or crushes. NCB was the one who initiated the relationship. Basically he told our NCG that, in so many words, he liked her. She was in denial that a guy wanted to date her for a few weeks, but finally "gave in" despite the, "but I still like this other girl." He's a real sweetheart, y'know the roses, the candy, the "I luv u" on a post-it on her locker, and he's most definitely NOT interested in a sexual relationship. But still, he's shown more than once that he's mostly just interested in himself. He's "sorry for making such a big deal about this other girl" BUT blows up at NCG when she tries to explain how SHE feels. Now this all sounds like NCG should dump NCB but she really does like him...she's trying to reason through this and trying to get NCB to change his act. If he doesn't, well...I'm pretty sure she'll give him the boot.

Elisa S.C. said...

Oh wow, I realized actually know the people we're talking about. (Knew this story sounded familiar!!) To put it in a little more context, NCG wasn't really that interested in NCB in the beginning. Sure he was a cute, funny, NCB but she didn't care much for dating...or crushes. NCB was the one who initiated the relationship. Basically he told our NCG that, in so many words, he liked her. She was in denial that a guy wanted to date her for a few weeks, but finally "gave in" despite the, "but I still like this other girl." He's a real sweetheart, y'know the roses, the candy, the "I luv u" on a post-it on her locker, and he's most definitely NOT interested in a sexual relationship. But still, he's shown more than once that he's mostly just interested in himself. He's "sorry for making such a big deal about this other girl" BUT blows up at NCG when she tries to explain how SHE feels. Now this all sounds like NCG should dump NCB but she really does like him...she's trying to reason through this and trying to get NCB to change his act. If he doesn't, well...I'm pretty sure she'll give him the boot.