My electronic spy keeps an eye on the search words that land people at this blog, and there it is, once again:
"25 and never had a boyfriend am I a freak"
The answer to that is "No."
Life is not Archie Comics. Life is not a MTV video. Life is seven billion people trying to keep alive, trying to be happy, trying to find love among the people with whom they live or, having long since found it, keeping their loved ones alive.
More on this topic here.
8 comments:
I am 35, and never have had one either. I've run the gamut (and back again) of emotions on this, but know nothing is the matter with me. My will and God's will simply haven't matched up.
At 25 I was convinced by this time I'd be married with several children, but it hasn't happened. I still pray that it will someday, and do feel called to marriage, but I am also trying to grow more comfortable with the idea that I might actually be the family spinster. There is no community where I live in which to meet an intelligent, devout Catholic man under 45 (living and working in an area filled with retirees, even the parishes aren't helpful), I've tried the online dating thing to no avail (I never thought I'd meet someone that way, anyway, but felt I should at least give it a try) and cannot move to a new locale without a new job (and thus far none of my job applications have born fruit). But I figure God still has me where I am, still single, for a reason. So I keep on praying, keep on trusting and try not to whine about it too much (although sometimes a good cry and a pint of ice cream are simple necessary).
I was 33 when I had my first boyfriend. To be honest, I just dated him because I felt so much social pressure to have a boyfriend and be normal. I was also flabbergasted by the fact that a man was actually attracted to me. It wasn't a positive experience, in fact our relationship was toxic and I wish I hadn't have dated him.
To all those girls who feel embarrassed about not having a boyfriend, I get the feeling. However, knowing what I know now I would gladly proclaim that I had never had a boyfried if I could take my last relationship back.
I know it will never be an easy sell but the single life can be great. It took time, but I surrendered my desires for family to the Lord. I did it one day at a time and it wasn't easy. I also wrote a lot and expressed my feelings creatively. It helped to have an outlet. My fear and frustrations about getting married soon turned to a falling in love of sorts, with nature, the arts and life in general.
Now I experience joy on a fairly regular basis through the connectedness I feel for those people that I serve through my work. I do work in a service-related field so my job offers that kind of opportunity. While marriage/family offers an "in-depth" intimacy I feel that the single life offers a certain "breadth" of intimacy. In that you are able to extend help or encouragement to those people caught in situations who have no one else to turn towards. I feel like God's "free agent" in that I am free to go wherever there is most need. I take great consolation in that.
Anne and Lucia, thank you so much for sharing! I am in my late 20s and the more I strive to feel reconciled to the thought that I might never get married (I know that I very well might, but then again I might not), the more I am able to be present in the here and now and feel blessed in the good things that God gives me each and every day.
I do think striving to be a seraphic single is easier when you family and friends near by to be supported by and to serve in turn. Or throwing yourself to work, school, or volunteer activities if you are living in a place where you're less connected. I'm about to start school again this summer. A little overwhelmed, but also excited at all the new challenges it will bring.
One final thought: for me, being a seraphic single is made much easier by regularly following this blog and feeling solidarity with all you other readers! (Fancy that!) So thank you, Seraphic!
I have been struggling with my singleness big time lately. I don't think I've ever felt this alone and powerless in my life.
I'm very sorry to hear that, Lauren! But you're not really alone---although I respect that you feel alone--because many other women (and men) are in the same boat.
Dear Lauren,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time. We've all been there and hearing things like "Give it to God" and "these are the best years of your life" made me want to scream.
It's so difficult being a woman waiting waiting for the man, some man, any man! to make a move. I don't know how to make it go away.
The only practical advice I have is to keep your workload and commitments high. I find it true that a watched kettle doesn't boil. Take on extra shifts, take on further education, hit the gym and rage against the punch bag. When you do come up for air you will at least have achieved something with the pain and time, smaller waist, more cash, more letters after your name so better chances of promotion.
It's perfectly natural to feel sad and lonesome, so please don't feel that you're abnormal or alone in this.
Sinéad.
Lauren,
I remember a time in my life when I felt exactly like that - so powerless and alone. I had really hit rock bottom of the being-single-sucks-pit.
I went sobbing to my spiritual director, and he told me something I will never, ever forget. He said, "You think you are weak. You think you need all these people to make you feel good. But really, you are very strong."
I had never thought about it, but it was true! I really did feel like I needed friends and boyfriends and admirers to make me feel strong and complete - and that is a load of baloney. Because I KNEW, deep down, that I WAS strong, smart, and beautiful -- and that often I pretended to be less in order to attract others. Isn't that crazy? Pretending to be weak and incomplete in order to attract others?
From that moment on I took this as my mantra: "I am a strong, beautiful woman. I have the Lord, and I AM complete".
From that time I was given a great grace - the grace to draw comfort in my loneliness from the knowledge that there was something beautiful, mysterious, and precious about me that couldn't be affected by anyone loving or not loving me. I lost my fear of being a strong woman. And I will be true to my identity - I won't settle for anyone loving me for anything less!
I hope some of this helps you! You too have a calling to be a whole and complete woman regardless of who does or does not love you. You have the strength of the Lord within you, if you will only see it and claim it!
Haha! I completely just googled, '25 never had a boyfriend.' I was pleasantly surprised (okay, overjoyed) to realize that the link I clicked happened to lead to not only a single-women-positive blog but...a Catholic blog! That can't just be luck... :) I am now going to have a lovely evening reading through the archives. Really enjoyed your 2010 post about being 23 and never having had a boyfriend....
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