New Poll Alert! It is about women and cars. Not women's cars, mind you, but women's attitude towards men with or without cars.
In my dreams I am brave enough to drive and have a hunter-green mini metro. Also in my dreams, B.A. has a Rolls and a driver to drive it. We actually own the Historical House and have a staff of 15. B.A. sits in the back of the Rolls in impeccable Edinburgh-wear shouting through his mobile to his sales rep at Christie's to bid up to £50,000.
This post is not about cars. It is about what kind of men women find really boring and how long women should give really boring men a chance.
Dear Auntie Seraphic,
What do you do when you have a nice Catholic guy who is very interested in you but you don't feel [as interested in him]? How much time should you spend dating him to try to see if something will develop?
Concretely, I met a guy through the internet. We exchanged some nice emails and a few telephone calls, and have now gone on three dates.
The first date went really well. I live in a different area, so I gave him a couple restaurant choices; we had a nice dinner and I would have liked to do something afterwards, but he didn't suggest it.
On the second date, we went to my second restaurant suggestion, and I also suggested a walk or something, which he agreed to. The conversation wasn't as lively, and I found out he didn't have a car, which is surprising [in my culture], and that he had some health problems, a little surprising to hear about on the second date, which to me is just a time to see if you like being around someone.
I just got back from the third date, and I was really bored. It felt like he was waiting for me to take the lead the whole time. I probably should have said I was bored and saw how he adjusted, but that felt rude...
I feel really shallow for being concerned about his car-less-ness and his health concerns. I know that has something to do with my reduced enthusiasm, but I also would really like someone a little more outgoing and eager to take charge... Should I move on or give him some more time?
I always enjoy your opinions,
How Many Dates?
Dear How Many Dates,
I always say that a nice guy deserves three dates. This guy has had the three dates, and nothing "caught fire." So I think you can toss him back into the sea for the girl who will be head-over-heels crazy for him by Date #3.
Date #1, not Date #2, is the date to see if you just like being around someone. One should be able to reveal more personal information on Date 2, but frankly I think that's more in the line of "I don't like anchovies" than in the "my ongoing health problems" department. However, perhaps this man thought his health problems might be something you needed to know. (Goodness knows why.)
I find it interesting that you were the one suggesting restaurants and walks and, yes, it is perfectly logical that you feel that you were taking the lead all the time. He doesn't sound like a man to take the initiative. Boring, indeed!
As for the car thing, you know better than I what is reasonable for your area. I would think it very odd for a man in [your culture] not to have a car, but such a lack would be more than ordinary in a big city or in a European city of any size. I am not so sure it is shallow; car-ownership is one way to gauge a man's maturity.*
I hope this is helpful!
Grace and peace,
P.S. 1 Guys, do take some lead, okay? Even if your mother is still packing your lunch and making sure you have your inhaler, non-mother women like men to lead. It makes us feel all fluttery.
P.S. 2 I cannot stress what a bad idea it is for men to be up front with health issues so early in a dating relationship. Most young women are not interested in becoming some guy's nursemaid. And you don't have to be a crazed Darwinian to think that a healthy guy might make a better dad for one's kids than a sick guy. A woman who has fallen in love with a man will marry him if he comes home from the wars with one leg and horrible burns. But a woman who has just met a guy is less likely to think illness is just part of his charm.
I dated a great guy who was severely hearing impaired. It took me a long time to realize just how bad his hearing was, and it was a while before he mentioned that his sight was going, too. He was, however, determined to make it in the "hearing" world and he never complained about his infirmities. Never. Not even when he realized it was time to give up driving. His attitude was "The Good Lord might have taken my sight and hearing, but he sure gave me great hair."
The deal-breaker? The deal-breaker was that--and I'm really sorry that I couldn't have come to this conclusion way earlier--he wasn't a Roman Catholic, and I really, really, really wanted to marry a guy like my Jesuit classmates though not, of course, a Jesuit classmate. There were other deal-breakers, too, but it came down to the Catholic thing and, of course, as the school secretary pointed out, I couldn't have really loved him. Dang. Truth hurts.
(I can think of circumstances where you wouldn't marry a guy even if you really, really loved him--or BECAUSE you love him--but that's a subject for another post.)
P.S. 3 That was in Canada, where you can have perfectly orthodox Jesuit classmates, so this is not a slight on dear old Benedict Ambrose. When Jesuit classmates complain that Nice Catholic Girls stare daggers at them when they admit to being Jesuits, I advise that they should immediately follow the words "I'm a Jesuit" with "Like Father Fessio."
P.S. 4 Note I said "car", not "nice car" or "sports car" or "Masserati" or "Beemer."
*To those who have read my book: Even Der Gute--who lives in car-mad Germany--has a car. I mean, Der Gute. By the way, he has a new fish. He phoned the other day, and he has a brand new pet fish.