A link to this amusing article appeared in my Facebook page today.
In short, after living with a man for three years, a woman wonders why her boyfriend is reluctant to marry her. He says he is not ready, which, come to think of it, is one of the few male euphemisms. It's male-speak for "I'm scared of marriage. Since I am having regular sex, meals and company watching TV, why do I need to get married?" "I'm not ready" is girly enough to make girls sympathetic, but not as girly as "I'm scared."
Anyway, the therapist consulted in the case was not impressed by the woman's "Decide in a year, or I'll split" ultimatum. She seems to advocate more of a "This is what I'd like. What would you like?" approach. It seems very touchy-feely, as if men thought and expressed themselves just like women.
Girlfriend: Wow! That is a nice cardigan.
Boyfriend: Do you like it? I got it on sale.
Girlfriend: It's great! Now, listen, I've been thinking, and you are the kind of guy I'd like to marry.
Boyfriend: Wow. That's a nice thing to say. I'm truly flattered.
Girlfriend: What do you think of marriage?
Boyfriend: Well, of course I have always dreamed of my wedding day. I love my parents' wedding photos although, don't tell my dad, but I am so not wearing his wedding tux. The thing is, oh my gosh, I hope you're not offended, I'm so scared of being stuck in a Bobby Breadwinner role, you know? And I'm also scared my wife would get too fat or too skinny and old. I mean, I know that happens to everyone, but when I hear the word "marriage", that's what I think of. A too fat or too skinny old woman. Who shouts. ARGH! I hate it when women shout. And what if she took off and sued me for everything I ever earned for the rest of my life? EEE! OMG, I know this guy it happened to. What a NIGHTMARE!
Girlfriend: I don't shout. And I'm not like that.
Boyfriend: OMG, I never meant YOU! I meant in general. Marriage! Eek! Shudder!
Girlfriend: Um...So when do you think you will stop feeling that way?
Boyfriend: I have no idea! You know? AAAH! I forgot! I so totally have to text Stephen now about our BFF pedicure date.
Amusingly, the woman's live-in boyfriend has adjusted his ideas now that the deadline approaches and is speaking more positively about marriage. Of course, I have no idea what their ultimatum conversation was like, but I like to imagine it was something like this:
Girlfriend: So have you thought any more about us getting married?
Boyfriend: (thinks) Eek! (says) Oh gosh, can we have this conversation later?
The Girlfriend looks sad.
Boyfriend (thinks) Darn. Better throw her a bone. (says) No, wait. I can see it's important to you. Well, I have, and it's the same thing. I just don't feel ready yet.
Girlfriend: After three years with me, you don't feel ready?
Boyfriend: (thinks) Ready, hell. I'm terrified. (says) You know with work and stuff....
Girlfriend: Right. Time for a deadline. I'm tired of just being your girlfriend. It's tired. It's old news. Frankly, it's boring, not knowing if we're ever going to move ahead, have a family and create a permanent life together. I don't want to be just a roommate with benefits, I want to be your wife. So you have a year to make up your mind, bucko, or I'm out of here.
Boyfriend (thinks): Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh. She's serious. Oh noooooooo! Give up the goodies or just get married? Give up the goodies or just get married? Give up--Oh my God. I actually love this woman. Maybe I should man up. Maybe we should get married.
You all know, of course, that I am very DOWN on premarital cohabitation, especially for Catholics who are supposed to know better and set a good example. But I am also down on three-year non-marital, exclusive dating relationships for working adults. I mean, three years??? One year of steady dating should be plenty to figure out if marriage is the plan.
8 comments:
I agree, a year is plenty of dating-to-find-out-if-I-want-to-marry-you. One really shouldn't string a person along.
I am in the rather unusual circumstance that my S/O and I have set our wedding date before he has even proposed. The date is in about 20 months because I want to finish college before I get married and so I don't have to worry about being pregnant while taking classes (yes, we are waiting!). But I should say that this is very secure for both of us- we already knew we wanted to get married. Putting a date on it helps avoid the problem described above.
Yay! A happy story! But, er, if you know you're getting married, there must have been an unofficial proposal to get married....
Why is it that "the proposal" has become a planned event in itself, I wonder. (B.A. planned his but until that moment I was not really sure what was going to happen. I was in DREAD that I had read the situation All Wrong.) Surely the thrill of a proposal consists of an element of surprise for the woman and of terror for the man that the woman might say "No"?
Proposal videos are a whole "thing" on the internet now. The more elaborate and "personalized" the better. It's gone way past the jumbotron at halftime. Some I've seen lately:
- a customized level slipped into the girl's favorite video game (with cooperation of the game makers)
- a personalized Nicholas-Sparks-style movie trailer (with cooperation of the theater and the girl's family)
- a website the girl finds because the boy has arranged for StumbleUpon to "randomly" bring up at the right time
- guy rides on a dolphin (with the help of the aquarium) (yeah, I don't know)
- and the craziest one: a guy stages a surprise wedding using all the ideas and inviting all the people she wanted for her wedding, proposes outside a dinner club and then they go in and get married.
Now, obviously, there's a level of attention-seeking to some of these, and these are just the ones that got popular on the internet. But it seems like there are two not-so-subtle messages to all of these:
1. The Proposal is a public event independent of the actual discussion/decision to get married.
2. The Proposal happens in the middle of a comfortable, established, mundane relationship.
Maybe the growth of "creative" proposals is parallel to the growth of "creative" weddings - one planned by the man, one by the woman.
First, I'm going to be all cynical and say that the unfulfilled desire for intimacy can do wonders to cure a man of his fear of marriage.
Second, any woman (or man, if the girlfriend is "not ready") in that situation ought to say, "Honey, what will change if we get married?" If you're living together, the only answer is, "Commitment." Let's be real: if you are living together, you're already acting married, and by not putting a ring on your finger, the man is saying that he doesn't want you. (Harsh? Perhaps.)
Third, the best advice I have for women in that situation is not to give a deadline or an ultimatum, but to MOVE OUT. Get a lease, get a moving truck, and tell him, "I love you, but I want marriage and babies and I'm not getting any younger. Rather than try to push something on you that you don't want - and, if you wanted to marry me you would have done so already - I'm going to find the right man for me and let you find the woman who will make you want to be married."
After three years, there is absolutely no reason to set deadlines, give ultimatums, or any of that. He's already wasted your precious time, so why give him a second more? If he wants to marry you, he'll be at Tiffany's, buying you a big diamond, before you've even unpacked the first box at your new digs. If not, then you've helped yourself by hastening the inevitable - and allowing yourself to heal faster and to find someone else.
I wish I had realized all of this 8 or 9 years ago. My then-three year relationship would have lasted about 2 months and I could have saved myself about 2 years, 10 months of time. But of course, life never works like that. Because if you are willing to be in a three year relationship with someone, there's a certain level of denial going on anyway. When you are in a such a long term relationship, with no committment, you always think and hope that your relationship will be the exception. Because you want it so badly. It's a sad situation and I finally (finally!) gave him up and found a Catholic spiritual director who helped me sort it all out. Life is much better now!
"Yay! A happy story! But, er, if you know you're getting married, there must have been an unofficial proposal to get married...."
Well, you're right in a sense, but there wasn't the "down on one knee with a ring" thing. We just agreed that we wanted to get married and then started looking at dates and we picked this one because we're nerds and it is mathematically awesome. Heehee. He wants to do the "down on one knee with a ring" thing though. :)
"Why is it that "the proposal" has become a planned event in itself, I wonder.... Surely the thrill of a proposal consists of an element of surprise for the woman and of terror for the man that the woman might say "No"?"
Well, the planned event thing is simply a romantic notion (which really has very little to do with love). It shows the woman that the man has spent a lot of time thinking about how he wants to ask her this Very Important Question. No denying that it is attractive to those of us ladies who want to be swept off our feet by our Prince Charming. As for me, I will be happy with the traditional proposal or even no "official" proposal at all. :)
Well, you're right in a sense, but there wasn't the "down on one knee with a ring" thing. We just agreed that we wanted to get married and then started looking at dates and we picked this one because we're nerds and it is mathematically awesome.
Twenty months away and "mathematically awesome"? If it were about three and a half years away, I would say, "Pi Day 2015", but I'm flummoxed. Is there a Fibonacci sequence in it?
"One year of steady dating should be plenty to figure out if marriage is the plan."
Can you re-write this? In bold lettering? In size 42 font? At the bottom of all your posts?
I have wanted to scream this at my girlfriends and at several men who are committed to being boyfriends for life.
Post a Comment