Poppets, here am I, insanely busy as I clear all the decks before leaving for Rome. No, Hilary hasn't taken a turn for the worse! This time B.A. and I are going on holiday. As I write and travel and advise and generally amuse myself, he works hard all year long. So I am delighted that at last his holiday is here and that he can see Rome for himself.
Meanwhile, so many of you sounded so worried about the Innocent Traveller (below), that I thought I'd better double-check that the Guilty Traveller did not cling to her life after she cancelled dinner. I am happy to report that when she told him she was too busy to see him (quite true, incidentally), he backed off with a minimum of fuss.
The Innocent Traveller told me that she found your comments very supportive. She was still inclined to feel a little guilty and also to think that he wasn't as bad as everyone who heard about him thought. However, the very fact that so many of her acquaintance, and that we, were so horrified, made her think that maybe she was too close to the situation to see its implications for herself.
Once again I am impressed by the sagacity of the I.T., who is a lot brighter than I was at her age, let me tell you. There is a tendency in some women--encouraged no doubt by such films as Jerry McGuire--to shove their fingers in their ears when their family and friends warn her that a certain man is no good. These women waft on a cloud of "Only I understand him, and see the good in him, and that makes me special." Actually, it makes them--us--me at 21--rather dumb.
I cannot stress the importance of confiding in family and friends when you are in a confusing social situation, especially one involving handsome male near-strangers from abroad. Confiding in professionals, like a therapist or a random priest, is not necessarily the same thing, as I know firsthand.* Family and friends love you and they are not interested in giving handsome near-strangers the benefit of the doubt.
And now I must go. Although I can't promise anything for next week, keep an eye on this space in case I have an overwhelming inspiration. I will probably have some email access, thanks to our gracious hostess Hilary
*One day I will tell you this sad story. Pastoral FAIL. However, I suppose that disaster helped me become the Auntie Seraphic I am, so I shouldn't complain too much.
5 comments:
Have a good holiday with your husband, and please tell us your story when you have time.
I totally agree that I.T. will probably see things differently as more time has passed. When I was 21, I met an Australian abroad and was quite smitten, but he turned out to be SUCH A BOZO. He came to visit me in the U.S. for a week and acted like a total jerk. To make a long story short, now that I'm older and wiser, I can't believe I ever thought he was even worth one minute of my time. But at that time, I didn't want to see the signs right in front of my face (consistent heavy drinking, unemployment, unkindness, etc.) that involvement with him was a bad idea. Thank God there were no lasting bad consequences from that relationship, but I cried a river over it back then.
Anyway, older = wiser = happier. Thankfully there ARE good guys out there, and sometimes the bozos help you appreciate and recognize the good ones more fully. And I'm glad the letter writer was comfortable asking her trusted relatives for advice - they know you and want what is best for you. Also, sometimes when I'm confused about a boy situation, I ask myself, what would I tell my best friend or younger sister (of whom I am very protective) if she were in this same situation? It helps me think through it.
Have a wonderful time with B.A. in Italy, Seraphic! :)
She was still inclined to feel a little guilty and also to think that he wasn't as bad as everyone who heard about him thought. However, the very fact that so many of her acquaintance, and that we, were so horrified, made her think that maybe she was too close to the situation to see its implications for herself.
That's because she's a deep-down nice person. Kind young women are very reluctant to believe that the people in their lives are bad.
Too many younger women are fearful of being "judgemental" or "not giving men a chance" or what-have-you. It took me until my late twenties to be comfortable being judgemental, in sorts, about men who wanted to date me/court me/etc. That doesn't mean that I'm rude to them or that I judge them based on superficial things, but let's be real: judging based on character and actions is just common sense.
Enjoy your time in Rome!
When you get back do you think we can have another part of that ongoing story about the Vocation Discernment Partner?? ^_^ I was really loving that story! If any of my friends had been practicing Catholics that would have been them to a T.
Enjoy your Italian holiday, Seraphic!!! :-) Buon viaggio!
Regarding getting feedback from professionals vs. family/friends....at least in my own recent experience in needing to get a clear perspective on a guy who subtly deceived me, I found that the feedback (and a bit of advice) from my [Catholic] therapist was more objective, logical [and quite frankly, deservedly harsh] than I got from the one girlfriend I shared it with. I wouldn't have been able to share this man-related-incident with most of my friends, because we're all part of the same group of friends, and I didn't share with my family because...well..I just don't. Anywho...just wanted to say that sometimes a therapist works better than a friend, especially when friends are in too deep.
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