Auntie Seraphic and Does He Like Me

I received a great Auntie Seraphic letter, but it was so full of personal detail, I said I wouldn't use it. However, when I thought about it later, I realized that it contained a very important problem. It is actually one of a Single woman's principal emotional difficulties in high school and post-secondary school, at very least. So I shall entirely rewrite the letter, removing all details, and getting right to the heart of the problem.

Dear Auntie Seraphic,

I really like this guy. My girlfriend told him he should ask me out. He said if he wanted to ask a girl out, he asked a girl out. He didn't need someone to tell him. She then asked him WHY he didn't ask me out. He said he only liked me as a friend.

I know him as a friend, so I asked him out for dinner. He explained that he was busy, and didn't try to reschedule. He does tell me where he usually has lunch on campus, though. So sometimes I see him on campus, and we have conversations. We had a big conversation about X, and after X happened, the next day he came up to me when I appeared and said, "Hey, isn't cool that we were just talking about that?"

My question is, Do you think he might be interested in me? I really, REALLY, hope he is!

Sincerely,
Does He Like Me?

I've written to the writer of the original letter already, and instead of repeating what I said to her, I'm going to write generally to you all.

First, it's so hard to be young. When you are 20, you think being 39++ practically unimaginable, and the only point to it is having lots of money, and hopefully you will be thin, but if not, hopefully you will be married with six kids so it won't matter, etc., etc.

But now I am 39++, and when I see or hear from girls of 20, with their beautiful, BEAUTIFUL skin and their whole lives ahead of them, I feel tremendous compassion for them---unless they are shrieking on the bus, of course. There's just so much a 20 year old doesn't know. Oh ye heavens--if only one could be 20 with the brains of a 39++! How amazing that would be!

Second, if there is something worse than you telling a twenty-something guy to go out with you, it is your friend telling him to go out with you. It is so bad, I would say it is either an act of treachery or an act of utter stupidity.

Newsflash: twenty-something guys don't like being told what to do. They spent the first twenty years of their lives being told what to do almost every waking moment, and they're sick of it. Leave them alone. 

The definition of a crazy friend is a girl standing beside you when you are fishing, screaming into the water, "Nibble my homegirl's fishing line, damn you!"

Meanwhile, your friend will have destroyed the mystery of you, particularly if she tells your crush object that you are crazy about him. Men like to know that women are crazy about them, as it means their universe is working as it should and that if they were desperate for female company, they wouldn't have to do much to get it. But when men really want something, they are willing to work for it, and they mostly value those things for which most men have to work, e.g. the Masarati Gran Sport.

Third, to understand what men want or don't want, it is a good idea to listen to what they say they want or don't want. Admittedly, sometimes they come out with all kinds of crazy, hilarious rubbish like, "I prefer girls who don't wear makeup."* (Ah, ha, ha!)  But when they say "I just like you as a friend," you must actually PAY ATTENTION.

It is NOT true that twenty-something men are so crazed by hormones that they are attracted to anybody and everybody. Honestly. Fifteen year olds--maybe, which is why so many get seduced by whackadoodle teachers. But twenty-two year olds? No, nie, non, non, nein. If a man says to you or to your gal pal that he just likes you as a friend, he just likes you as a friend. Why would he lie?

Men are big fat liars, but they aren't going to lie if lying gets in the way of what they want. And if they want certain girls to be their sweethearts, they aren't going to tell them or the girls' girlfriends they only like them as friends.

Fourth, if your pal tells a man to ask you out, and he says no, it is game over. Ms Pacman is dead, and you are out of quarters. Your friend now owes you a trip to the MAC counter for a new lipstick, and you must wash your crush object right out of your hair. You. Must. Not. Ask. Him. Out. On. A. Date.

I am desperately trying to think of a situation in which you could go out with a guy after your pal's Treason/Abject Stupidity, and as I am very imaginative, I have just imagined myself in the ugly, computer strewn ground level floor of the main library of Boston College, c. 2006, and some guy with movie star looks has just come up to me.

Cute Guy: Boston Girl says you're crazy about me.

Seraphic: I could be. Where are we having lunch?

Yeah, like I could ever come up with that at once. Anyway, I give it to you girls for free. That's your emergency, flirtatious, jokey, ah-ha-ha, maybe-I-just-like-your-money-big-boy response. Memorize it, repeat it in the mirror, practice it on your friends.

Fifth, friends talk to each other, so if a guy talks to you--especially after your friend has made it clear to him that you admire him, and after you have made it clear yourself by asking him out for dinner--it means he's friendly. It does not mean he wants you to be his girlfriend. It means he thinks you're his buddy, like a guy, only nicer to look at, less competitive and maybe even a source of homemade cookies.

Sixth, a guy who tells you where he hangs out on campus is a friendly guy who is not interested in you as a girlfriend. A guy who is interested in you wants to know where YOU hang out. If he doesn't ask, he goes looking.

Seventh, most college-age guys are not marriage material. They might be boyfriend material, but unless they know exactly what they want to do with their lives after graduation, they are not marriage material. And if they are not marriage material, they certainly will not be among the few college men thinking about getting married.

In my cynical opinion, you college girls should not be knocking yourself out to meet college boys but your friends' college-grad older brothers working in the city. Too many young men are slouching around college campuses boasting that they really don't know what they are going to do when they graduate.They should be ashamed. All that money spent on their fancy education, and for what? So they can backpack around Europe rewriting the first paragraph of their novel? Puh-leeze.

And that's me for today.

Update: Sorry for the rough edges. When I saw the time I literally had to run to the bus stop to get to my dentist appointment. The d.a. was truly awful, so B.A. suggested I buy myself a treat. And so to the MAC counter I went--whoo hoo!

*Of course they don't prefer girls who don't wear make-up. They prefer girls who know how to wear make-up well. Blend, girls. Blend, blend, blend.

***
Support my efforts to make a living by pre-ordering my Ceremony of Innocence from Ignatius Press today!