Monday, 8 February 2010

Valentine's Day is not Failure Day

A pal of mine called Valentine's Day "Failure Day", and I was shocked. I've been so consciously peppy about the Single Life for so long, I've forgotten that other women are perfectly comfortable complaining about Valentine's Day and equating not getting anything on that day to a personal failure of Titantic proportions.

Once again, I encourage all women out there to make or buy Valentines for such Single female friends and relations who will not blow up like TNT in response to your kindness. Single men can fight off their V-Day loneliness by also doing a similar good deed, only in their case I recommend sending these valentines to Mom or Mum, Auntie and Sis, who cannot possibly read anything scary into them.

My five-year-old nephew Pirate, soon to become as famous as Christopher Robin (I hope), once electrified a room of his female relations by suddenly saying to his mother, "Mommy, you're my little sweetheart."

All his female relations cried "Awwww!" in one voice and looked all tender and misty and in danger of melting like butter in a puddle on the rug.

So I think that only good can come of brothers and sons and nephews firing off or bringing valentines and chockies such kinswomen as they are strictly forbidden by God and man to marry.

If you do something nice for someone on Valentine's Day, that day cannot possibly be a failure. Meanwhile, the day is a fantastic excuse for Single Women to have a party and tell (risque) jokes and watch Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean or Colin Firth's wet shirt in Pride and Prejudice.* It is an opportunity to dress as Marilyn Monroe or Jane Russell and sing a chorus of "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend." It is a Women's Solidary Day of epic proportions, which is no doubt why the [Woman's Private Part] Monologues are staged that day on Roman Catholic college campuses across the USA and at secular colleges elsewhere.

Personally, I always had better things to do on February 14 than listen to horrible stories about rape by soldiers and 'empowering' stories about statuatory rape by seductive lesbians, all in the company of the kind of man who can be talked into going to such a show. Apparently the audience participates by chanting an Anglo-Saxon word no lady or gentleman ever utters, no matter how stressed out she or he is. If the F-word is merely a bomb, this word is a weapon of mass destruction plus cancer thrown in.

No, there are better things that Single people can do for fun on Valentine's Day. They just need a little ingenuity and planning. So please, dear Single readers, my angels, reveal in the comm box what you're going to do on Sunday. By so doing you may give helpful ideas to your fellow Singles. I am going to an afternoon cocktail party being hosted by a clever, romance-less Single man. No doubt he will be rolling in chocolates by supper.

*Update: Fraternal correction by Berenike leads me to note that if for you sharing risque jokes and admiring matinee idols, even in all-female company, are occasions for sin, and not the female bonding devices they are for me, then obviously you shouldn't do those things. Frankly, I think reading romance novels with erotic scenes--a very common (and solitary) female habit--much, much worse. But, anyway, gnothe seauton.

17 comments:

berenike said...

Not sure encouraging people to tell dirty jokes and ogle men's bodies is a good thing, ole bean.

Seraphic said...

Well...carnival, you know?

Lemons said...

I'm actually not sure what I'm doing for Valentine's Day. Maybe spend time with some other single girls from work? Or watch a girlie movie with my sister. But I don't love nor hate Valentine's Day. If I don't do anything, then it will be just another Sunday.

The thing I've looked forward to about Valentine's Day since second grade is that it marks one week until my birthday, and then I insist my family buy me a clearance Valentine's Day stuffed animal. :P

As a side note: what woman in her right mind would want to go to one of those monologues?

Anonymous said...

hummm, am clearly not a lady or gentleman. Ooopsy :-/

MP

Seraphic said...

This can be rectified if you promise never to do it again!

Kate P said...

I found a couple of recipes I wanted to cook for myself. As for what to watch. . . Olympics, baby.

Alisha said...

Valentine's Day plans:
Will be in my beloved Montreal with friends, running about to the Oratory, my favourite restaurants and dancing...Montreal is a city for lovers - but not just in the romantic sense! For lovers of life! And so appropriate because it is Ville Marie, Mary's City, and she bore the One who is the Way, the Truth and the Life!

Dominic Mary said...

Hhmmm . . . how about going to an extra Mass for one's unhappily single friends ?

. . . and then dinner at a real 'table d'hote' where there are NO tables for two, so no romantic couples.

Alternatively - though requiring more organization - how about getting a group of people to do those things together ?

Dominic Mary said...

Hhmmm . . . how about going to an extra Mass for one's unhappily single friends ?

. . . and then dinner at a real 'table d'hote' where there are NO tables for two, so no romantic couples.

Alternatively - though requiring more organization - how about getting a group of people to do those things together ?

aussie girl in australia said...

I have been invited to Mass, lunch and a movie by my very good friend. She is actually not a single (engaged) but her fiance is a chef and as such must work on Valentines Day to help pay for their wedding (which is very soon). So she called up little old singleton me and invited me out for the day. Maybe she got your memo Seraphic ?

leonine said...

Well, I am going to make homemade chocolate truffles with a (married) friend of mine. I may also take the opportunity to give prayer of thanks for St Cyril and St. Methodius (both of whom I always found a little more inspiring than St. Valentine). Other than that, it will be a pretty basic Sunday; it's my one day a week of respite from the relentless grind of graduate school, my cherished 24 hours to take a nap, do some cooking, go to Vespers, call my dearest friend, go cross-country skiing, pick up a novel, or whatever else strikes me as restful and life-giving on that particular day.

bolyongok said...

I have a watch on Valentine's day, and in a spirit of charity to those are not single, I volunteered to take two watches. So out of a four day weekend, I am spending exactly twenty-four hours on duty.
The upside is it's not the most difficult watch in the world and I can probably keep my plan to order takeout and watch Zulu, and similar movies. I plan on buying myself chocolate too.

Seraphic said...

Bolyongok, that's a great example of how the Single life frees you up for service to others!

Takeout, "Zulu" and chocolate sounds great (along with the warm fuzzy feeling of helping out Couples). My brother (ex-armoured corps) loves Zulu.

theobromophile said...

Studying for the New York bar exam. I'm going to be more miserable than the most desolate, un-Seraphic of Singles, and it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day.

[tears hair out]

Okay, the happy parts: probably buying presents, or giving those presents, to my little siblings. One of the things I never expected to happen when my parents had more kids (well, my stepmum and my dad) was that they would make holidays so very much fun. It's tough to even think about the adult, romantic, and therefore lonely, parts of holidays when kids are there enjoying them so wholeheartedly. It just makes it seem like a kid's holiday, not an adult, romantic one.

(Seraphic by denial - yep, that's the best I can muster.)

aussie girl in australia said...

I know it's early but I just recieved a Valentine which made my whole weekend. It was a handmade card and it was from a female co-worker. She is 25 and single and I understand she made and posted cards to all of us teachers at our school. What a darling thing to do! I doubt she reads this blog but I suppose you never know.
My heart is softened about the whole female friends thing too.

Seraphic said...

Yay! Aussie Girl, that's great! I hope you tell her how much you appreciate her thoughtfulness. And I also hope you put that card somewhere where you can see it often.

healthily sanguine said...

Seraphic, I have to tell you, I am already enjoying so much picking out gifts for my friends, making real and online Valentines (Teleflora has a GREAT one with a "personalized" electronic voice, though I'm not sure if you have to make a purchase to access it, because I got flowers for my mum), and in general having more fun with the holiday than ever before! (Caveat: My mom was along the lines of theobromophile's stepmum in making every holiday so fun for us kids, that I have little or no associations of V-day as a romantic litmus test--so maybe I'm not a turn-around story. Still, like so much of her advice, Seraphic's urging to execute Operation Valentinus is awesome!)