Dear Auntie Seraphic,I'm in my late 20s. I'm a nurse and loving it! My flatmate knows every Catholic person in town. I go to pretty much every social event that I can and meet new people and am loving life. I, of course, have my woe-is-me searching single days/hours then I snap out of it. It's usually hormone induced and cured with a glass or three of red wine and some chocolate or retail therapy (don't mind being single as long as I have good shoes)!
Now, let me tell you about Mr. Melty Smile.
A bunch of people went out for a late night breakfast after a church concert, and this thirty-something guy with a smile that made me melt leaned over the priest next to me and introduced himself. Turns out he goes to the same Mass and I've met his mom at the local "gin and tonic of good will." The next few times I saw him we had a chat. Then he gave me a usb thing with orthodox sermons downloaded on it which I promptly lost, confessed, got another one, found the first one, returned the second. He's offered me rides...
Now, other boys at church have been trying to set me up with blokes. I told them that I already liked this one--probably a bad idea as one of them decided to tell his now ex-girlfriend who in turn I think told Mr. Melty Smile who now just isn't quite the same after long conversation with aforementioned.
This past weekend I had a party at my place, invited nearly everyone I know here, and about 40 people came, including Mr. Melty Smile. He brought his guitar because I told him that someone else was bringing theirs and at the end of the night he played Spanish guitar music to me . . . Well I was the only one in that corner anyway. At about 10, he abruptly left when his ex-girlfriend came in with her boyfriend, but not without giving me a kiss on the cheek and saying goodbye.
The next day he came up to my sister and me after Mass to say hello and politely refuse my sister's invitation to breakfast . . .
I've read your "Crushing the crush" blog and have been hell bent on getting over him since. Every time Mr. Melty Smile comes into my head, I pray to St. Joe as patron of unrequited love to free me. But then today I re-read and am asking for clarification of whether or not I can crush away. Oh wise Auntie Seraphic, what should my plan of action be??? I'm having drinks on Saturday together with, like, 80 friends. Do I invite Mr. Melty Smile or what?
Melty Smile Admirer
Dear Melty Smile Admirer,
Excellent that you love your job. As a nurse, you serve people and yet make enough money, and that is basically the secret to a happy life: service, but not slavery. And a great flatmate is worth her weight in rubies. It strikes me that you are pretty Seraphic and therefore when a good marriage prospect comes along, you will be able to make your decision to marry him with a free heart, and not from loneliness, desperation, age-panic or any of that bad stuff.
Crushes are painful, and they are like headcolds. They come, some linger on longer and more unpleasantly than expected, and then they go, soon to be replaced by a new one.
Now what to do about this young man, Mr. Melty Smile.
At first the signs looked very good. His leaning across priest to introduce himself was excellent. Little giftie of USB of sermons--also excellent. Rides--very good. You gave him a party invitation--very good, for the closest Old-Fashioned Girls can get to asking chap out on a date is inviting him to a party. Then the ex-girlfriend arrived and he took off.
Crash. That was bad. And it suggests to me that he is not 100% over ex-girfriend. The guy showed what looks like clear interest in you, but the timing may be wrong.
The breakfast thing---I wouldn't sweat that, as he might have been very busy. But on the other hand, he might have been all miserable about the ex-girlfriend.
So I would not do any more invites. He kissed you on the cheek, and he knows you like him enough to invite him to a party. So that should be enough to give any suitor encouragement. Now it is up to him, and you have to wait. Waiting sucks, but this is what you have to do. Do not pursue (and party invites are now pursuing). It could be that he needs to get over ex-girlfriend for a few more months before starting something with you.
My husband, after an inital rash of emails, blog comments, etc, went more or less radio silent for five months. It was because he was dealing with stuff. And then I came to Scotland at the end of September 2008 and met him in person and we fell in love and got married and here I am.
Moral of story: if a man needs some time, he needs some time. So pull back a bit and see if Mr. Melty Smile invites you to some party himself in the next few weeks or months. If he doesn't, he's just not that into you, as they say. Which, although the idea may be sucky now, will be less sucky in March or April when you have met other Melty Smiles or when this one finally has dealt with his Issues.
Grace and peace,
Auntie Seraphic
Dear Auntie Seraphic,
Oh no! I got your advice too late and invited him. He said he couldn't come because of a conflict. There is a church thing he wants to go to. (I knew he was going but I figured I'd ask him anyway.) It may be cancelled though...
Seraphically,
Melty Smile Admirer
Dear MSA,
Okay, back right off this one. Baaaaaack right off. He knows you think well of him now. That's all any interested guy needs to proceed. He might come to your party, but considering that the ex-gf turned up at your last one, he might not.
At any rate, this guy has had enough encouragement to know he can ask you out for a coffee without you laughing at him. So he will if he wants to. If he doesn't, forget him. As I like to remind everybody, I didn't find Mr. Right until I was 37 and he mysteriously came with a flat in a Historical House.
Grace and peace,
Auntie Seraphic
For lots more Auntie Seraphic, go here.
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There is an interview with me on the Novalis website! Scroll down while looking to the left, find "Interviews" and when you see a name you recognize (hint: a lady's name), click on it. I mention you guys. Yes, I do!
4 comments:
Ugh, I know the feeling. Having all the signals that he's into you and then... then, nothing. My last crush was terrible. He had a beautiful smile, was pretty much everything I liked about men in one person and just... wow. And he seemed to like me. Then we found out that we have an age difference of ten years. He's older. Which I was ok with-- he was not. (shrug-- I guess just another case of bad timing. If only I'd been born earlier into the 80s) And yet he still seemed to show an interest, which made things messy and painful for everyone in the end. Anyway, not saying that "Melty Smile Admirer" will go through this as well since something like age or religion or any other irreconcilable difference isn't standing in the way. But crushes can really be heartbreaking. And then, despite what past experiences and common sense tell you, you wonder whether or not you'll find someone else with such a perfect smile-- such a perfect everything.
Hurray for the interview!!
Good stuff, Auntie Seraphic. Too, too easy to think we have to do something, to move things along, when of course the man must pursue. He IS a man, right? The awful part is the worry--does he like me, why is he doing this or that, why doesn't he call when he has my number, what did it mean when he did thus and such, etc. But if you're seraphic, there's no need to worry. You're awesome and doing just fine! As I told one of my girl friends, the only thing you should worry about at the very beginning of a relationship is what you're going to wear to dinner. :)
Lemons, I'm going through the same thing right now. I've known the guy for over a year and all the signals were there the whole time. There is a 7 year age difference (he's older and I think it bothers him). I know I need some time away from him to get over my crush but at the same time he's a friend and there is no reason for me to avoid him. I'm having a hard time connecting with other men since I still have feelings for him. I don't know what to do.
Silent Jen
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