Monday, 5 March 2012

Auntie Seraphic & Impatient

Hey there, Auntie S!

When you like an NCB, and you have evidence to suggest there is some interest on his side, and you have been regularly pairing up to chat at social gatherings about your common interests, etc., how long is reasonable to wait for him to make some sort of move (i.e. invite for coffee)? How much preamble is acceptable and at what point do you decide he's "just not that into you" and maybe you're just friends after all?

In the past I have had deluded crushes stretch on for months or even years, and I am tired of it. I was recently inspired by a wise woman who exclaimed to me: "We're adults! You can't let things drag on forever! This isn't high school!" I'm interested to read what you and your readers have to say.


Dear Impatient,

This depends on the "evidence" that there is "some interest on his side" and what the "regular pairing up" looks like. If this looks like you rushing up to him and him just not running away, then I'd say this does not look particularly hopeful to me.

However, if the evidence is that he keeps coming up to you, and brings you coffee (or anything at all), and gives you compliments, then it does look hopeful. If this NCB really is showing evidence of interest, and you have known each other for at least a month, and your friends cannot be-LIEVE he hasn't asked you out yet, I recommend trotting out my old standby, "Why don't you ever ask me out for coffee?"

Now, I have a warning about "Why don't you ever ask me out for coffee?" This excellent question got me two boyfriends and thus sparked two relationships. I broke off the first one because I was not enough into him, and the man broke off the second one because he was not enough into me. |However, this does not cancel out the efficacy of "Why don't you ever ask me out for coffee" in the case of men who are truly interested and just need a dab of encouragement.

If he says, "Because I don't want to ruin the friendship", you are not allowed to get mad at him. You must say, "Ah! Smart man!", punch him chummily in the arm, and then forget all about him as a possibility. Stuff him into the friend zone where he belongs and accept that he is just not that into you, just as you are just not into 99% of the men in the world.

I hope this is helpful.

Grace and peace,


Irenaeus G. Saintonge said...

Especially loved the last paragraph about the friendzone! :) At my age, and in my circumstances, the friendzone is male enemy #1. Haha!
My theory is that guys my age are sabotaging themselves by beating around the bush for too long, then blaming the girl for thinking of them as just a friend.

Jam said...

I get all kinds of cranky when men complain about the "friendzone". Listen pal, it wasn't *her* job to ask *you* out because you liked her. Maybe I'm being unfair but I think too much pouting on this point starts to run dangerously close to the "if she doesn't like me, she must be a lesbian" school of thought.

healthily sanguine said...

Yeah, girls are told over and over again that men are not subtle: the same goes the other way. We are not going to assume you like us unless you ask us out. We will assume we are friends, because that is safer and healthier than flights of fancy that go exactly nowhere.