Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Not on My Wedding Day, Thanks

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I have just begun reading Andrew Cohen's mainstream column calling down blessings upon the woman he loved on her wedding day. It is EXCRUCIATING, so I don't think I'll finish it, and I won't link to it here. Instead, here's a link to a woman explaining to men why they shouldn't do things like that.

Your ex-girlfriend's or ex-boyfriend's wedding day is NEVER about you. The best way to handle it is to keep your mouth shut and your typing fingers otherwise occupied. One of my ex-boyfriends--bless him--went on holiday and came down with food poisoning so bad he forgot it was my wedding day. I'm sorry he got food poisoning, but I'm glad he did not write a weepy column on how fabulous I was and am.

The most embarrassing wedding I ever went to featured not just the photos of the bride and groom on the bulletin board outside the ballroom, but photos of the bride with her bestest friend, who was a man. The bestest friend was the M.C., and he talked more than anyone. He told us all about his relationship with the bride, and how her mother was like his second mother, and how he and the bride went to the prom together. The air crackled with tension coming out the ears of the groom's relations.

I was dating the groom's cousin, so I just sat back and experienced the excruciating embarrassment of it all with something akin to awe. Somewhat psychic about these things, I could feel the people in the room wondering A) if the M.C. had slept with the bride and B) if he would actually tell us straight out.

The groom smiled placidly. I didn't know how he could stand it. The M.C. went on and on. His obvious obsession with the bride was not lost on the D.J. who, no doubt paid in advance, observed aloud during the "Garter Toss," "The bachelors are lining up for the garter. They're pushing. They're shoving. The M.C's hurtin' for it!"

I will never forget until my dying day (or until dementia sets in) what an absolute ass the M.C. made of himself, and how bad it all looked on the bride and groom. Hmm... I wonder if he had known that in advance?


hip2bsquare said...

All I can say is... wow.

Madame Lefty said...

Maybe he watched the commercial below one too many times.

When I was young that was one of my favorite commercials ever; I always figured she would leave with the Jetta Guy. Now that I'm a bit wiser, it makes me wonder why they weren't together in the first place. Do some mend do this in a last minute attempt to "win" the girl rather than truly wanting the girl.

Kate P said...

Sometimes I want to cry at how dead the concept of discretion is.

theobromophile said...

Once I'm done rolling on the floor in laughter at the column - because the writer is very funny - I may post something more substantial (and less rant-like).

Okay, violations of rules 1 and 4 are really unforgivable. I've met men who violate those (during and after relationships), and they are rather frightening individuals.

leonine said...

that is pretty creepy.

Kate P said...

Theobromophile, I was given Lizzie Skurnick's book, "Shelf Discovery," by some of my former library co-workers as a farewell present--haven't gotten to it in my reading pile yet, but it's an interesting topic ("classic" teen books), and she gave a great interview on NPR when it came out last year.