Into the Wilds of Scotland

Well, poppets, B.A. and I are taking our house guests into the wilds of Fife for New Year's, and we will have a fire in the hearth (at last!), but no internet access. It will be a week of sitting around reading and Polish lessons and driving hither and thither to see this and that and admiring passing sheep.

But this means that I will not be able to read your emails until next Sunday at the earliest. It also means that the Inner Child won't be able to continue her 100,000 word epic until January 6.

Meanwhile, don't forget that I am coming to the USA in February, and so far my stops are Pittsburgh PA (only half an hour from Steubenville, hint, hint) and Washington DC. And there will be the annual Seraphic Singles Valentine's Day meeting in Toronto, Canada on February 14.

Have a lovely week, and remember all that stuff about a kiss on New Year's Eve/Day is base superstition and anyway I am sure kisses from your mothers count. One New Year's Eve after Vigil Mass I got a smacking kiss on the cheek from a cheerful (and cheeky) young Jesuit, and I am sure that counted.

Don't bother staying up until midnight or going to a party unless you really want to. I suspect B.A.'s and my Single friends in Edinburgh are waiting until we are gone so they can discuss their own wild Singles' New Year's Eve plans freely and without me wailing about marginalized Marrieds.

Finally, sincere thanks and virtual kisses to the 110 readers who bought copies of Ceremony of Innocence before Christmas Eve, particularly the librarian who made her library order it in and display it in an advantageous place. When I think of all the things readers do on my behalf, I am reminded of Dumbledore's Army--or Fight Club!

were we left off with new stuff

hello it is me the inner child and now i must akt fast before the gests wayk up and seraphic begins washing dishes agane. i must hav isolayshun to rite i am lyk greta garbo in mor ways than 1. anyway heer is the epeesode yuo hav been with bayted breth been wayting for:

the bodis riper
part third
chapter 5

proodens x-amined herself in the glass as her hostess enormuslie fat and red-fased laydies mayd artful last-minit arranjements to her kurls. she was unshur abowt the nekkline of her bewtiful bloo evening gown becos altho it was very fashunabel so fastidyus a scotch clergiman as hewbert mite think it rood.

'i think mrs harvey' she sed 'that i shud ware my lays after all.'

'not a bit of it mam' sed mrs harvey 'lawks. it wud be a pitie to rooin the lyn.'

'o deer' sed proodens. 'i doant want to rooin the lyn. but also i do not want to gyv hew--mr robinson a hart attak.'

'do not worrie yorself on his akkownt mam' sed wikked harvey 'i am shur that eevn wen he is in his rite mynd--wich the poor man is not--the hon the rev mr hewbert robinson never notises such fripperie detayls as that. wy they tell me he is a very pius man.'

'yes that is troo' sed proodens britening. 'and he must by now seen other laydies waring the noo fasshun so he must be over any shokk.’

'indeed' sed mrs harvey and put in a final pin 'ther now. how very well you look mam. i am shur it will gladden the revernds hart to see you.'

and indeed it wud hav gladened the hart of any of proodens admirers to see her on this occayshun as the afternoons x-ersise her gown and mrs harveys x-pert hairdressing had put her in her best looks. her brown curls shone and her eies were as softlie bloo as her dress and thikklie fringed by long dark eielashes gudnees how lukky to hav them in the dayz befor maskara was respektabel. her lips were nachurally pink and a faint blush tinged her cheeks as she nervusly thot of the invalid down the hall. in short she was a brunette bombshell of the sort that cud mayk a tender maskulin hart simplie stop ded and if you rekall a few chapters bakk that was what the invalids eevil sister clementyn was hoaping for.

innosent proodens got up from the chair befor the vanity and cleered her throte.

'that will do thank you mrs harvey. wud you be so kind as to convey me to the sickroom?'
mrs harvey likked her lips.

'sertainly mam' she sed. 'plees follow me.'

she led proodens down the gloomie lamp-lit hall and opened a door. she stood bakk and nodded her hed. proodens took hold of her skirts and went softlie in.

the room was but dimmlie lit by the candelite but as the candels were mostlie arownd the 4 poster bed proodens cud see qwyte cleerlie the tall leen figgur of a man . it was hewbert indede--there was no mistayking the firey eiebrows if the firey lokks rufflie tumbled on the pillo were less familyar. indeed it seemed to proodens that apart from the dooel she had not seen hewbert without his wigg for yeers and yeers and in trooth never seen him without his clerikal stokk. it strukk her forsiblie that she had never before seen his throt nakked to the elements but ther it was.

such an expanse of hewbertian skin--tho of corse a lot smaller than the expanse of skin wimmen habitchually displayed--mayd proodens feel a trifel stranj. she had to suppress an impuls to run away before she advansed.

tho soft her step was herd by the invalid hoo raysed his hed from the pillows.

'whos that?' he weeklie demanded.

'only I' sed the girl. 'o hewbert--its me proodens!'

'proodens!' cryed the invalid and he struggeled up onto his elbos. 'impossibel! how can this be? hav you fallen into my sisters power? or is this sum trik?'

his voys took on a harsh note prooden had never herd. she hung bakk startled.

'come closer' sed hewbert 'i can barelie see you in the shadows.'

proodens obedientlie stepped into the lite. and there befor him was the site for wich hewbert had simultaneouslie longed and suffered--the site that had first won his hart in a feeld and then overset his reeson in the pixie kirk and then distraked him so much that charles had managed to run him throo. it was laydie proodens pewsey and she smyled. she held forward her littel hand in greeting and hewberts hart stopped ded.

but it is a happie fakt that humman lyf is not primarilie the provvins of medikal sciens but of the Most Hi and watever the predikshuns of a harley street fysishun it was not the will of provvidens that hewbert shud drop ded at this partikular moment. thus almost immediatelie after hewberts hart stopped ded it rebooted and insted of dying hewbert took prudens hand in his.

'littel prudens' he murmured.

'not so littel' sed proodens. 'i hav bene presented at cort now and am qwyt grown-up.'

'in that cays i must offer you a seet' sed hewbert not tayking his dark eyes from her fays nor his hand from hers. 'proodens i kan scarslie beleev it. are you a halloosinayshun?'

'no indede' sed proodens. 'at leest i doant think so as i am not x-achuallie shur wat a halloosinayshun is. but i am proodens and i am heer and o hewbert i am so happie to see you. but are you so verrie verrie ill?'

'not now' sed hewbert. 'but i suppose they hav told you that i hav gone mad?'

'yes' sed proodens in a low voys 'but i doant cayr becos i am mad too.'

she blushed deep red in the candlelight and her hart rased like a raindrop splatered against a window by the wind. ther was a note of strayn in her voys and hewbert looked at her wonderinglie.

'wat do you meen my deer?'

'o' sed proodens. 'just wat i sed and i hav bene so unhappie becos i cud not tell anyone but i thot i cud tell you becos you are so klever and so holy and maybe cud think of wat to do.'

'i am not shur i understand' sed hewbert tho feers too shaymful to be naymed gripped his hart. 'but of corse you may tell me anything and i will help you in any way i can.'

'well' sed proodens and took a deep breth. 'i think i am possessed.'

'by wat?' asked the clergiman.

'by another girl' sed proodens in a lo voys. 'o hewbert it is aweful. sumtimes i am so happie i cry but then i am often miserabul and i cry agane and haf of the tym i want to kill mamma stone ded and the other haf of the tym i think of men wich i am shur must be bad but it is not me doing it it is this noo proodens hoo livs in my hed and distrakts me from my old pursoot of studying elefants.'

she gayzed at him with a frank and angwished look and if hewbert hadnt fallen in luv with her ages ago he wud hav fallen in luv with her now.

'deer proodens' sed hewbert 'that is not possession that is adolesens.'

'watever it is i doant lyk it' sed proodens 'and i hav bene terrifyed lest mamma and papa fynd out. they think i will be rooined if i tawk abowt elefants in companie imajin if sosietie fynds out i am insayn.'

'but you are not insayn' sed hewbert. 'this is just wat happens to girls. and in a different way to boys too. i was just lyk that wen i was yore ayj and it was hell.'

a look of sheer releef passed over proodens fays.

'reelie hewbert? is that troo?'

'absolootelie troo' sed hewbert. 'it is just one more result of the fall of our unhappy first parrents from grays. as we leev behynd childhood innosens we are punished with an x-sess of humors wich skrambel our brayns and altho it is wummans unhappy lot to be the more skrambeled as eeve incurred the grater penaltie her brayns unscrambel first. yewshuallie after havving a baybie or 2.'

'o' sed proodens blushing agane. 'is that the cure?'

'akkording to aristotel it is the cure for all femayl complaynts' sed hewbert suddenlie feeling he had sed too much.'altho i do not claym to be an x-pert on that. you will hav to ask your mamma.'

'gudness' sed proodens 'i wudnt dayr. im not supposed to kno abowt the fakts of lyf and if mamma knew i even sed 'fakts of lyf' to you she wud punish me seveerlie.'

but hewbert wasnt lissening any more for he had remembered something and the memory made his hart stop and start so much that it reallie is a gud thing it is provvidens and not sciens in charj.

'wich men?" he asked.

'wat?' sed proodens nervuslie.

'of wich men do you think' sed the rev. the hon. mister hewbert robinson 'or do yore thots run on them in jeneral?'

'o' sed proodens. 'plees pardon me hewbert but noo proodens say i shudnt tell you. deer me the very x-ens of n-glish sosietie seems to be not saying wat you reallie think. wen sumone says 'how are you' you must always say 'fine' and never 'terribul' and when someone offers you a third pastrie you must say 'no' and never 'yes' and if you think of men you must never ever ever say so. maybe you shud forget that part hewbert plees.'

'i doant think i can' sed hewbert and his pore overwirked hart valvs sqweezed open and shut like a creekie gayt. 'i appeel to the old proodens-littel proodens--the proodens who so luvs elefants and trooth. pleez proodens. tell me.'

'o well hewbert' sed proodens and blushed lyk fyr, 'reelie o i hoap yuo are not too angrie it is mostly abowt yuo.'


holie krap heer is hilarie in the sittingroom i hav to go. bludy hell what tyming. bakk as soon as poss.

Seraphic is Going to Tour Part of America

I will be in Pittsburgh from February 4 (approx.) and in Washington D.C. on February 10, 11 & 12. While I am in Pittsburgh, I will have the opportunity to go to Steubenville for a day.

Therefore, if anyone in Pittsburgh, Washington D.C. or Steubenville would like to organize an event (or events) for me to speak at, I am indeed available. Naturally I would appear with boxes of books to flog to your beautiful friends and fellow Catholics and great would be the rejoicing at Ignatius and Liguori.

My email is seraphicsingles@yahoo.com. This is pretty well a once in a blue moon opportunity, as I live in the UK, and go to Canada only once a year, and to the USA very rarely! And now I must inform PR people who are probably not in the office, as it is still Christmas.

super kontrovershal chapter

hello it is me the inner child with my super kontrovershal chapter at last. nobody giv me a hard tym it is called the bodis-riper you kno. my outer adult says i hav to tell the sensitiv not to reed it so DOANT REED IT SENSITIV PEEPLE!if yuo throo up waching danjerus liaysons yuo cant reed this it will upset yuo for shur. howevr it was tym to show how wikked sir nik is becos yuo were liking him too much just lyk peeple with lovelace in clarissa.

ok here it is


bodis-riper!
part three
chpater 4


sir nikkolas cameron did not usuallie mayk calls on horsbak. altho not wat you wud call a tulip of the ton he preferred to aryv at his destinayshun all fresh and cool and in a kleen shirt. but on this okkayshun he went strait to grovenor sqware smyling a littel grimmlie to himself. wen he reeched pewsie huose he gayv his horse strait into the cayr of a sharp-eyed staybel boy and asended the front steps.
he swept off his hat as mr mcauliffe opened the door. the late sun glinted on his birnished hed.

'afternoon mr mcauliffe. i tayk it ahem that his nibs is still at his klub?'

'his lordship has not yet returned sir nikkolas' sed the butler a shayd repressively. 'if sir nikkolas wud prefer to return---.'

'sir nikkolas wud prefer nothing of the sort' sed the blond yuoth stepping over the threshold. 'i assoom the laydies are hoam.'

'if sir nikkolas wud kayr to follow me to the bloo sitting room i will see if her laydieship is at hoam.'

'the red' sed sir nikkolas.

mr mcauliffe blinked.

'i beg yore pardon sir nikkolas?'

'the red sitting room' sed sir nikkolas 'i hav a fansie for the red sitting room today. i cant tell you wy reallie. it cot my eye the other day and i thot 'ah for a cup of tee in the red sitting room'. all the turkish watnots you kno. oriental oppewulens. i am sure ladie grunestayne wud not objekt.'

'the red sitting room is a trifle out of the way sir nikkolas'.

'not a partikel' lyed sir nikk cheerfullie. 'and i kollekt it has a dumwaiter. i so adore a dumwaiter. the tuoch of a bell the slyde of a door and lo and behold a steeming tee servis awayts! so much eesier on ones staff i think. yes mr mcauliffe leed me to the red sitting room.'

'very well sir nikkolas' sed mr mcauliffe.

'good man' sed sir nikkolas.

noos of sir nikkolas camerons occupayshun of the red sitting room was brot to laydie grunestayn as she played with her infant children in the nurserie. she looked up with a suprised expression and her hands flew to her tousled blond hair. it was in a stayt.

'the red sitting room mr mcauliffe?'

'at sir nikkolas request yore laydieship. he seems to hav a fansy for the eestern curios. and ahem the dumwaiter.'

'the dumwaiter?'

'he fansies the idee of a pot of tee sent up in the dumwaiter your laydieship. sir nikkolas appears to be in a wimsikal fraym of mynd.'

'very well' sed the cowntess getting up.'but it is a pity proodens is not here to reseev him. send mrs rees to my chaymber we must tidie my hare.'

mr mcauliffe bowed but lingered. he coffed in an apologetik way. hermione looked at him suprised.

'as laydie proodens is outwith the huose wud yore ladyship prefer an alternativ femayl attendant? i beleev madame de la curtain is in the skoolroom. perhaps i cud---?'

'perhaps you cud not be so sillie' sed the cowntess and a blush krept up her fays. 'reelie mr mcauliffe. i will tayk it as a grate unkindness if you fors me to remynd you that women of a sertane ayj and kondishun hav no need of femayl attendants in our own sitting-rooms. ther is i asshur you nothing amiss in my reseeving my dotter's suitor as between ourselvs mcauliffe i beleev him to be.'

'aye yore laydieship' sed mr mcauliffe woodenlie.

'in fakt' sed the cowntess britening 'i wonder if he does not have sum motiv for choosing such an isolated spot! depend upon it he wishes to consult me about his hoaps for proodens! o grayshus! at last! send rees to me and then tell the staff to stay striklie away from the red sitting room. i will not hav the footmen gawping and giggling over sir nikkolas's most tender sentiments. and tell cook to prepare a pot of tee!'

'aye yore laydieship' sed the butler and went away with hevy hart as his mistress ceded the nurserie to the mayds and floo up the stayrs to her chaymber. the guid old man went down the stairs and along the passage and along another passage to the red chamber.

it was rather an x-siting room with great turkey carpets and brass samovars with are akschuallie russhan but saym diffrens and curious red chaise longues and gold fraymed bits of arabian calligrafy on the walls. it was a perfekt if slitely outdayted bit of 18th century orientalism edward said wud hav had a fit but hoo cayrs? he hadnt been borned yet and i beleev he is ded now.

anyway it was a prettie sexxy room one way or another and had no windows and therefore sooted sir nikk perfektlie altho not mr mcauliffe hoo looked coldlie upon him and sed that if her ladieship rekwired asistans all she had to do was ring the bell. then the loyal butler disappeered to sit in servants hall by his end of the bell wire and fret.

nikk sipped a glass of claret and as he leened on the marbel chimneypees he luiked meditatively into the fyr.

'o my deer sir nikk' came a voys of gladness from the doorway. the yuong man tirned. laydie grunestayn clad in the outmoded edinburrah fasshun that best suited her buxom not to say fat figgur was looking uncommonly well. altho of corse the dowayjer cowntess of paisley had grosslie exajjerated the level to wich proodens mamma approximated an objektiv standard of femayl beewtie she was konfident and smyling wich my outer adult says is 1/2 the battel. and if to be honest laydie grunestayne wud ever only apeel to a nishe market hers was the nishe market in wich sir nikkolas prefered to shop.

he lifted his hed from his balancing hand by way of greeting.

'good evening laydie grunestayn' he said.

he drank a sip of claret.

'good evening good evening' carolled hermione as she shut the door behind her. 'is it evening? i thot it were still afternoon. anyway that is of no matter becuz--dear dear sir nikkolas--our proodens has been--how best shall i say this?--has been x-onerayted from anything unplesant! the dear dear dowajer duchess of paislie has seen fit to aknowlej her. to reseev her! in fakt at this very moment my dear sir nikkolas proodens is driving with her grays in the park. or no-- perhaps by now they gave gone to her grases huose for an erlie supper. so altho it is a pity proodens is not heer this evening you must be very glad that our littel skan--our little unplesantness will no longer attach itself to our innosent dotter.'
sir nikk inclined his hed slitely and smyled darkly.

'i fesilitayt you' he said.

something in his tone brot laydy grunestayne up short. her smile faltered dimmed and bekaym artifishal. she noted that sir nikkolas had not remooved his elbow from the marbel chimneypiese and that he was still in riding clothes. his shirt looked as if it had been worn for more than half an hour. his usually sleek hair was awry as if he had been running his hands throo it. and the habichually soft look in his eies had been replased by sumthing almost marshal.
not knowing wat else to do the cowntess sat on a chaise longue.

'wont you sit down?' she sed.

sir nikk took his elbow from the chimneypiese and sat down on the chaise longue across from lady grunestayne. it was not very far from lady grunestayn and as he continooed to gaze at her she began to feel uncomfortable.

it had been the regrettable habit of the layt erls grandfather to smoke opium in that very chamber with his best freind each reclining on a chaise longue as they smoked and chatted about increesingly stoopid stuff. altho terrifik mesures had been tayken to remove evry evidence of the noxios substans lady grunestayn suddenly felt as tho there were still a trays of it in the air.

'so wat was it?' asked sir nikk at last.

'i beg yore pardon?'

'the reeson for the dewl' sed this strange new sir nikk of the hard eyes and messy hare. 'if it wasnt proodens and my dear--laydie grunestayne--i dont know if you know this but i was present--i wud lyk to know wat—or hoo—it was.'

laydie grunestayne began to feel that her konstriktiv bodis had been a bit of a mistayke. she cud feel the strings of her korset cutting into her bak as she struggeled to master her breething.

'my deer sir nikkolas' she murmured. 'i dont qwite--i dont qwite understand.'

'you do not giv yourself enuff kredit' sed the yuoth. 'how often hav i herd that laydie grunestayn had an understanding above all her sexx? a man's brane--a woman's hart. so i hav always beleeved. and so i beleev now. come come my deer. tell me all about it. hewbert was indiskreet was he? but of corse he wud be. he laks my tactical abilities. and of cors he is a friteful plonker.'

laydie grunestayn tryed to stand but cud not.

'i beg yore pardon' she murmured. 'my maid...my salts...the bell...'

'drink this' said sir nikkolas and thrust his glass across the short distance between them. 'and dont feel you must mayk a show of having the vapors for my sayk. my deer girl i cudnt be mor pleesed. well' he amended 'not pleesed xactlie. pleesed is the rong word. i did not want to that kno it had been done but i sertanelie wondered if it cud be done and now thanks to my deer deer cuzzin i kno.'
hermione drank with shaking hands. she was as wyt as a sheet. again she tryed to rys but cud not.

'there is sertanely some mistayk' she murmured. 'i am at a loss...you cannot meen... you cannot think... shurely you cannot think that...oh but how ridikulus... i and hewbert...how cud such a thing be beleeved? hewbert and i?!'

she looked up to meet sir nikks implacable stayr.

'a very credibel performance my deer' he sed and stood up. the cowntess wached as he crosed to a side taybel and pored another glass of claret. 'a very credibel performans indeed. yes it must hav been hewbert who slipped. got the wind up probablie and blabbed. and how very unforchunate for you havving to liv with the outraged husband. or is he outraged? perhaps hes the kind who puts up a good show but doesnt reallie care. wonderful! nisi dominus frustrat--that's the tikket.'

hermione shut her eyes. the wine had put sum colour bak into her fase. now she summoned all her strength to speek.

'sir nikkolas' she said loudlie and her fine voyse crakked. 'you are under a misapprehenshun sir. do not speek to me in that fashun!'

she opened her eyes to see sir nikkolas put down his glass. the yuong man strode across the carpet and threw himself down at her feet. he took her shaking hands in his own, grasping them titelie.

'hermione' he sed and his voys rasped with passhun 'tayk pitie on me!'

laydie grunestayne becaym ever more konschus that she mite swune.
'sir nikkolas....'

'nikkolas! i beg you.'

'nikkolas then' she amended fayntlie. 'i kan onlie assoom that you hav bene partie to some fuol rumor...sum owtrayguos lybel...that you hav been sadlie led astray by sum enemie...for i kannot understand how you cud possiblie beleev that i wud ever...o nikkolas nikkolas shurely nothing in my deportment cud ever hav led you to think i wud be so week so crayven as to--.'

'not week' cried nikk and after a rapid kalkewlayshun lowered his voys to a throaty throb. 'not crayven. mersiful.! if after being in yor pressens for so long---after havving the privilej to be so often neer you---to see you---to heer your voys---cuzzin hewbert were to akt on his feelings and you were--after a battel with the bonds of tyrannus convenshun--to tayk pitie on him--i wud not blaym but onor you for now it is i--i nikkolas--hoo am at a such a stand!'

hermiones heart gave her a partikularlie painful thud.

'but wat kan you meen?' she cryed.

nikkolas got up from his knees and still grasping her plump bejooled hands sat besyd her on the chaise longue. the cowntess shrank against the bakk.

'you kno very well what i meen' he growled.

'i kollekt' sed poor hermione hoo was now seeing spots befor her eies 'that you are under the impreshun that you...that you...luv...me but i kannot for the lyf of me--.'

'impreshun!?' cryed nikk and his long slim fingers let go their steely grip on the cowntess hands to fasten rufflie around her shulders. her sleevs were of rather a thin and x-pensive silk and she feered they mite rip. 'nowlej! konvikshun! sins first i saw you in the park i hav been yore unwilling slayv madam!'

his voys krakked and he knew that he was no longer akkting but that he spoke trooth and also that he was angrie.

'even if i were mistayken about you and hewbert--and my informant madam is a very credibel one--it still remanes that you hav cast a web over me and that for some time i hav been unabel to think on any wumman but you.'

'but proodens' sqweeked hermione and her hart jolted with horror as she herd a seem in the back of her bodis rip.

'proodens!' exklaymed sir nikk with disgust. 'a child! grunestayns chyld! wat hav i do to with such a child as that? i reqwire a wumman a reel wumman with a wummans hart and a wummans passhun and a wummans bodie!'

and he krushed hermione agaynst him and rained feers kisses on her heeving boosum.

this of all things worked as a restorativ tonik to the wummans reeling senses.

'how dayr you?" gasped laydie grunestane and slapped sir nikk with all her mite.
shokked he releesed his hold and sat bakk. hermione wached transfixxed as he slowly turned his fase and retirn her gaze. the bloo of his eies was almost entirely eklipsed by his blayzing blak dilayted pewpils.

'termagant' he sed and slapped her bakk.

'ah!' skreemed the cowntess. the blow felled her to the karpet

'too kan play at that gaym' sed sir nikk grimmlie 'and i ashur you madam that i kan hit harder than you'.

'help' cryed hermione and wud hav scrambled up were it not for sir nikks foot impeeding her gown. 'let me go you broot!'

she espied he rwine glass and threw it at his hed. the hevy krystal cot him just abuv the eie and he yelped in payn. with a hideeus ripping noyse hermione renched away from the skirt trapped under the tyrannus boot and lunjed for the bellpull.

'wich!' sed sir nikk getting up and grabbing her by the bodis 'you will not s-cayp me so eesilie.'
blud dripped into his eie stinging it and momentarilie blinding him. he put his foot on hermiones titelie laysed back and wiped his fays with the bakk of his hand.

'help help' cryed hermione. she thrust out a hand for the fireplace tools but seezed not the poker but the brush. she pulled and the stand kaym crashing down.

'o no you dont' sed the young man. he dropped to his knees and tried to rench the brush from hermiones hand.

'this is wat you call luv is it' sed hermione bitterlie as she held on to the iron handel with all her mite. 'you are an animal sir a broot beest!'

'all men are at hart broot beests' sed sir nikk as he pryed her fingers from the iron. 'and you shud hav thot of that madam befor you allowed me in yor presens aloan.'

hermione suddenlie relaxed her grip and making a fist struck her knuckles backwards with all her strength katching her attaker in the teeth. he kursed and fell bakwards agaynst the chaise longue. it slid bakk akroos the floor. with a sob of releef hermione flung herself forward and grasped the bellpull. deeply shakken she tottered to her feet and grasped the chimney pees for support. her hand was deeplie cut it bled.

sir nikk--his fase streeming with blud--gazed at her angrilie from the floor for a moment and then--to her surprise and horror--began to laff.
'my deer girl' he sed. 'you havvent the leest idea wat you look lyk rite now hav you?'
hermione looked from him to her torn dress and white petticotes and her eies filled with teers of rayg.
nikk poked a finger in his muoth and tested his teeth. altho his muoth was blodie his teeth remaned in plays.

'well thats something,' he sed cheerfullie and got up. taking a red lether cays from his pokket he x-trakted a siggar. he wyped his gory fays on his hankerchif and approached the fireplays.

'keep bakk' cryed hermione.

'my deer' sed the man reproovingly and putting his siggar into his muoth dukked his hed into the fyr. the cowntess stayred as he took his head bakk out siggar alite between his lipps.

'ill show myself out' he sed 'you may want to tidy up befor yore butler arryvs. peeple are so prone to think the worst.'

hermione cluched the marbel under her fingers.

'my husband sir will hav you horswipped on the stayrs of yore klub.'
sir nikkolas held his handkerchif to his bleeding eiebrow.

'do you think so my darling? i konfess i do not shayr yore veiw. after all you hav bene qwyt qwyt aloan with me and are in a stayt of parshul undress and--as i sed--peeple are so prone to think the worst.'
at last hermione fainted. she wud hav crashed to the harth had sir nikk not stepped forward and cot her. with a somewhat wistful glans at her boosum he propped her up against the marbel. then he pikked up his hankerchif looked arowd the room for any forgoten artikles and heded for the door. as he renched it open he perceeved a mr mcauliffe outside. the butler was brethless he had run.

'ah mcauliffe' sed sir nikk slipping the servant a guinea coin.'good man. glad to see you. her ladyship has swuned. see to that wont you?'
mcauliffe opened and shut his muoth lyk a goldfish in distress and looked from the young mans bloody fase to the room beyond.

'my lady!'

'exit the yung man' sed sir nikkolas and made a beeline for the bakk stayrs.

Sorry So Late

Sorry! Life intervened. Story tomorrow plus exciting announcement re: travel plans.

Not Alone, Not Childless This Christmas

I have been cooking all day. Actually, I have been cooking for two days. Almost without a rest. It has been intense, but that's what happens when you are a Spiritual Mother in charge of both Polish Christmas Eve supper and Canadian-British Christmas dinner.

But all day I have been thinking about you, my Single readers, and when I will get a chance to write to you about being Single at Christmas, as I was for a long time indeed. And I am just a tiny fallible mortal woman on an island thinking of you, so imagine how Almighty God is thinking about you right now, and knowing everything you think and feel and, well, everything about you. And Christmas is all about how much He cares for you and me, so much that He took on our humanity, which is staggering to think of, especially when you think of what humanity is like. Mine has a pain in its back and pierogi dough under its fingernails.

And this pierogi dough is because my Pretend Daughter Marta (who is actually not that much younger than me really) is here for Christmas. She is a Pole, and therefore I am making Wigilia supper in her honour. And this makes me happy (if tired) because it means that in my small way I am someone's mother for Christmas. In fact, Marta is the youngest so she is the "star child" in the Polish Wigilia traditions. And now I am going to wrap her present, this being my break before the great ACTUAL COOKING of everything that needs to be served hot. Meanwhile, there will be another Single here for this supper, and at least two other Singles (with Marta) at Christmas dinner tomorrow---well, one is a priest, but he is far from his family, so I think he counts as a Single at Christmas.

So what is my message on this happy, tired night? Well, it is to enjoy the Christmas that you have as much as you can, whatever your circumstance may be. IF you are 100% alone with yourself, remember that we are never alone because Emmanuel, God is with us. And if you are with others, be truly present to the others, and be especially nice to whoever is cooking. See if they need dishes washed or something. Forgive them if they bite you, and praise their efforts!

Anyway, a very happy Christmas to you all, and the Inner Child will be back with her controversial chapter on Boxing Day.

XOXOX
Auntie Seraphic

P.S. Błogławionych Świat Bozego Narodzenia i Szcześliwego Nowego Roku! Serdecznie pozdrawiam z Edynburga!

yet another bakk chapter

hey ho look at my outer adult awayke and on the job at 729 proof that it is xmas and she is full of thots of bakking and cuiking and londering. we get xmas 2x agane this yeer--polish and canadjan-brittish wich menes more sweet stuff for me and lots of yummy fat.

sadlie it looks like the infamus risky chapter will be published on xmas eve quel skandal well it is a bodis riper after all yuo cud advert yore eies and read it boxing day when i think i am doo to ryte sum new stuff.

ok so heer the plot thikkens in a way to further torment the puir pewsies. clementyna is so wikked. the wikked are definitely having sevral feeld days in a row.

THE BODIS RIPER!!!!

part 3 (kut & payst the 3)

chapter 3

altho the gardens of pewsey huose riotted with duftie naychur indoors all was brittel artifys. the erl of grunestayn his familie and his servitors were determined to pretend that all was well and that no korner in london hissed with wispers about the wyld ladie proodens. thus the huose was even bizzier that ushooal.

the erl added konsert dayts to his skedjool so as to affix the musik-luvving duke of klarens to his syd. the kountess sent ever mor dinner invitashuns and planned ever mor x-pensiv and e-laborate menoos so as to tempt the appetyt of such bon-vivants as the prins of wayls. proodens was parayded in evry fashunabul local her mother cud think of from morning to nite. even the infant pewsies were n-listed in the family caws by being tayken to hyde park during the most fashunabul hower and displayed to sentimental laydies by the cowntess herself.

the ton wached all this aktivitie and was unshur wat to do. that sir charles had fot the clergiman brother of the dowajer duchess of paisley in a dooel was an on-dit that had swept the town. that laydie proodens pewsey had ridden to the seen on his lordships fynest stallion was similarlie common knowlej. wether she had com to pleed for her father or her luvver was an open qwestshun one hotlie debayted by the clubmen of st james and the ladies of almacks when no pewsey was in earshot. whatevr the anser the newlie celebrayted the honorubel the reverend mister hewbert robinson was sed to hover between lyf and deth.

that was on the debit syd of the pewsey ledjer. on the kredit syd sir charles was so awfullie rich and the pewseys wer putting up such a marvelus show besyds. wen asked about the dooel at White's sir charles was herd to laff litelie and say that hewbert wud thank him for a very saloobrius blud-letting adding that he (grunestane) was of a mind to send him (hewbert) a bill. lady grunestayn wen offered condolenses in the park had smyled raised her grape-green eies to heven and sed that puir hewbert had always been qwik to qwarel over nothing she mynded he had been famus for dooels in his oxford days. lady proodens wen twitted by her peers abowt canterbury replasing calcutta in her afekshuns tirned wyd bloo eies upon them and--as planely coached to do--smyled and sed "watever do you mene?" morover the more yoothful and therfor less risabul of laydie proodens admirers remayned as loyal as ever. the dashing sir nikkolas cameron for x-ampel was ever on the pewsey doorstep.

it seemed that the pewseys wud carry it off--at leest until the reverend dyed—but then laydie jersey hoo had got up on the rong syd of the bed that morning and was feeling old and past it suddenlie desided to cut laydie proodens in hyd park.

cut laydie proodens she did in the full veiw of several members of the ton and altho proodens had the wit to say to say to the neerest gulping cavalier that ladie jersie was looking shockingly ill news of the n-cownter swept london. the next morning a few hitherto daily visitors were missing from the pewsey drawingroom. the following day several more were absent. laydie grunestayn lifted speeking eies to her lord wen he returned home from whites. he meerlie nodded and shut himself in his chaymber. that nite laydie proodens cryed herself to sleep. the fact that at the opera that evening sir nikkolas cameron had pressed her hand with an unprecidented warmth and murmered "couraj!" in her ear was stranjlie of little comfort.

the servants of cors were agast at this tirn of evvents and much conserned for the well being and presidens of thier familie. and thus mr mcauliffe was hardpressed--indeed i beleev he fayled--to keep a shade of releef and a note of his pride wen upon the following morning he opened the door to the morning sitting-room and announsed:

'clementina, duchess of paisley'.

the pewsies had not been totallie deserted and so a considerabul number of eies turned towards the open door and the harts of even the most cloth-heded lifted as they saw the luvlie dowajer--a hi stikler if there ever was one--enter the stately chamber and greet the cowntess of grunestayn with grate cordialitie. for her part the cowntess forgot every pang of envie and resentment of hewberts bewtiful sister and barelie manajed to suppress teers of releef.

'but were is laydie proodens?' cryed the duchess. 'were is the most curajeous the most nobel of my countriwummen? aha!' she added spotting prudens on a settee just behind the standing sir nikkolas. 'my deer laydie proodens! we have so much to talk abowt.'

proodens seeing the releef that swept her mamas fase lokked her deep dislyk for the dowajer into a mental strongbox threw it into an imajinarie oshan and figuratively swallowed the metaforical key. she smyled and said she was in her grace's det.

'indeed not' sed the duchess sweeping graysefully akross the room. 'it is i hoo am in yore det. my deer laydie proodens hav those old kats been very unkynd to you?'

'oh no' lyed proodens polytlie as she had bene tot. 'evryone is always so kynd! but yore grays---how does your brother?'

'very well now thanks to you' trilled the dowager clasping proodens ryt hand with its single ring between her own ornatelie bejewelled hands. 'let us not mints wirds. i know a good deal of wat has happened and i must say that i am shokked at hewberts owtrageous beehavior. i cownt myself luckie that wen he saw me yore butler did not deklayr you all away from hoam! i can only hoap you will all forgiv my silly brother. you will forgiv him laydie proodens will you not?'

the hitherto frank proodens cud not utter. after days and days of cold anger from her parents worried glanses from the servants and the stares and giggels of the ton such overt sympathie from one she had konsidered an n-emie made her redie to weep. insted she clasped the duchesses hands in her own warm grip.

'wat qwarrel he pikked with yore father i do not kno' sed the duchess in such qwieter tones that the bystanders felt rather vexed and had much ado to pretend they were not eevesdroping. (the cowntess for her part had sent the butler posthaste for the erl.) 'and i hav no dowt that sir charles did wat he cud to appees hewbert and that if onlie hewbert had not strukk him---.' she broke off and looked away. 'wat you all must think of us!'

'hewbert--mister robinson is papas deerest freind of oxford days' sed proodens in an unstedie voys. 'papa luvs him very much. indeed we all luv him very much.'

she dropped her eies befor the duchess swift dark-eyed glans and fiddled with the lays on the end of her sleev.

'i am glad to heer you say so' sed the duchess. 'but i am afrayd ther is a streek of madness in us robinsons! o! i will not burden you with my konfidenses--or my sorrows--but i hav thot it perhaps best that hewbert has never married and that i and my dear beloved husband never... but enuff of that! now that i kno wat a kreditubel horsewumman you are--nay do not blush--i hoap i at leest kno the differens between hoydenishness and heroism! --we must tawk of horseflesh. do you dryv? i cannot rekollect if i have seen you do so.'

thus the conversayshun trotted onto less e-moshunallie perilus ground and proodens was feeling as close to her old edinburah self as she had in weeks when the door opened agayn and sir charles n-tered the room. proodens looked up to see her mother beeming besyd her overjoyed father as they looked together at the duchess and their daughter on the settee. Her heart thumped in her chest and now she was hard-pressed not to drop tears of relief. She thus neither heard nor reflected on the duchesses swift intake of breth.

'my deer clementine' cryed the erl of grunstayn all other guests momentarily forgotten. He suddenly recollected his manners and breiflie greeted them all before stryding to the settee. The duchess unklapsed her hands from the daughter and offered the to the father. He kissed them with troo homaj.

'now hewbert' he sed. 'how is he?'

'tolerably well' sed the duchess. 'he fell into a fever almost as soon as he was abed but this morning he finally took a turn for the better.'

'provvidens be thanked' sed charles. 'move asyd there proodens. i wish to sit down. i was almost mad with worrie clemmie. wy did you not send wird? wy did you not answer the door?'

'i was advissed not to' sed the cowntess. 'some impertinet jaknayps of a doktor--i forget his naym--but i hav sent him abowt his bizness and summoned a proper fisishun from harley street--a scotch fisishun this tym.'

'but may i see him?' asked charles.

the cowntess luiked grayv.

'to tell you the trooth i do not kno if that is wise sir charles' she sed. 'i hav had the most trubbling korrespondens from our brother henry. i will not trubbel you with the deetayls but it wud appeer that wen hewbert was recovvering from his stroak or kollishun of humors you prayed on his mynd.'

'i' sed charles astonished.

'yes' sed clementyn. 'he seemed to think that he had ronged you in terribul way.'

'but i doant understand' sed the erl frowning. 'wen he first kaym to n-gland he seemed to hav thot that i had ronged him in sum terribul way.'

the duchess sihed.

'alas puir hewbert!' she sed. 'he is lyk a wethervayn! first he thot he had ronged you and then he thot you had ronged him and now he thinks both that he has ronged you and that i hav ronged him. he thinks i am plotting to keep you and all his servants from him.'

'good hevens' sed the erl. 'but this is terribul! are you saying that his old trubbel reelie has retirned?'

'alas' sed hewberts sister. 'i do not kno wat to think. but sir charles i think i hav hit upon a plan. i dayr not ask you to visit hewbert lest he becom even mor deranged in mind but wat if deer laydie proodens wer to visit him?'

'a kapital ideya' cryed the erl and his brow kleered. 'indeed i am shur that hermione and proo-! but wat is rong?'

'ah ha ha ha ha ha' tittered the duchess unkomfortablie. 'i think charles... i think it wud be best if i wer aloud to chaperon proodens myself. you see...hewbert also gets verie x-ersized when ladie grunestayn is menshuned.'

'x-ersized? wat can you meen?'

clementine touched her slim fingers to her forehed and looked over at the chimniepees as if for aid. sir nikkolas was leaning on it fiddling with a peece of stafordsheer potterie. he looked up and as theyr eies met clementine droped her gaze and kleered her throt.

'well' she sed. 'he weeps.'

'he weeps!' x-claymed charles. 'but wat madness to weep over hermione! i kollekt she was most kross over his sillie sermon but that is no reeson for him to weep. by jove clemmie i thot you sed hewbert was better!'

'better in body' sed clementine in low tones 'but not in spirit. will you not give laydie proodens permisshun to visit?'

'gladlie' sed charles. 'wat say you proodens? wud you undertayk to cheer owr old freind?'

proodens flushed red than wyt then red agane. goodness pubertie sucks. i think it wud be better if peeple cud go strait from being children to being adults with no teenage stuff in between. howver if yore body goes thru all those weerd chanjes yore brane has to too. anyway proodens had a guid run havving been basically been a cayrfree chyld up until now. hay-ho. it is better to be an inner child than an outer one that is for shur. for xample orijinal proodens had been so overwhelmed by noo proodens sins the dooel that she had all the vim and vigor of a dust mop.

'yes papa' sed noo proodens softlie. 'i wud be glad to do so'.

'but not yet' sed the cowntess clapping her hands and getting to her feet. across the room the men sprang to their feet. 'for now i crayv another boon. my horses hav been sadlie in need of x-cerzis whyl i hav been attending hewbert and both they and i long for a dryv. will you go for a dryv with me in hyd park proodens? not at this unfashunabul hour of corse but this afternoon? then i shall carrie yoo hoam to see hewbert and perhaps hav a littel supper.'

'i wud be very happie' sed noo proodens a split second befor orijinal proodens grasped the soshul implikashuns and perked up.

'another capital idea' sed the erl of grunestayn. he followed his gest as she took her leev of everyone in the room and went out the door. as he akkompanied her to the front door he bent his brown head over her red one and tayking her hand sed qwietlie 'god bless you clemmie! you cud not hav come at a better tym.'

'i kno my dere' sed the dowajer duchess of paislie raysing dark sollemn eies to his. 'i kaym as soon as i cud and beleev me charles i am off this minit to have a wird with laydie jersey.'

'you are too good' sed charles in a chokked voys.

the dowajer luiked as if she wud lyk to say sumthing else but thot better of it. insted she smyled.

'poor charles' she sed softlie. 'the tryls and tribewlayshuns of a husband and father. but heer is mcauliffe. it is mcauliffe isnt it?'

the butler bowed.

'yes yore grays.'

'my new ladiesmayd?'

'alredy in yore carriaj yore grays' sed mcauliffe woodenlie.

'very good mcauliffe' sed the duchess. 'goodby charles. ill be bak for laydie proodens at five."

charles kissed her perfewmed hand and she went out to the street. her coachman sprang down to open the door to her carriaj--emblazoned with the paisley arms--and mcauliffe helped her insyd. sharlott looked at her noo mistress from her korner and offered her a tentativ smyle.

'ah sharlott' sed the beawtiful dowajer. 'ther you are. i wonder my deer girl if you wud mynd ryding on the box with steven coachman? i wish to think.'

her hart was beeting overrapidlie and her senses swam a littel. her hand seemed to burn ware charles had kissed it.

sharlott obedientlie left the carriaj and shut the door. the duchess took a kompakt looking-glas from her reticewl and looked at herself in it. her dark eies were as dilayted as if she had been tayking belladonna.

'he will be myn' she sed and snapped the kompakt shut.

she knocked on the seeling and the karrij lept forward. minuts latyer the duchess was in frances jersies droring room pulling off her gloves.

'my deer clementyn' sed laydie jersie. 'wat are you abowt? prinnie is coming for nuncheon i am run off my feet. indeed i wud not hav been hoam to you had you not been shut up all this week.'

'tym was of the essens' sed the duchess. 'that puir puir child. how cud you do it frankie? a chit out of the skoolroom?'

the princes sekret mistress had the grays to blush.

'i kollekt you meen wyld proodens pewsey' she sed. 'hmm! now thats very interesting. leev us jonson' she sed to the payg. 'i wud be uninterrupted for the next 15 minits. i am not hoam to anyone. tell cookie that the merangs will do but that we had better have another chiken to be on the safe syd. now go.'

'merciful hevens!' sed the duchess wen the footman was gone. she throo herself down on a settie and gazed at her freind. 'is that wat the ton is calling her? the child is as innosent as a bayb unborn.'

'so thats the lyn your going to tayk' sed laydie jersie brazenlie. 'wen may we wish yore brother happie?'

'seeing as my brother is currently off his head i simplie cud not imajin' sed hewberts sister koolie. 'ther is no lyn to tayk frankie. my brothers parlormayd--a pewsey byblow insidentally--got wind of the dooel and rushed off to warn laydie proodens. yes terribul but our skottish ways are rather less stuffy and the relayshunship between master and man and mistress and made is more like that of familie than in ngland. Tyes of blud but i shant waste my breth x-plaining.'

'a pewsie byblow?' shreeked laydie jersie 'not of the delektable charles clementyn i never was so shokked wy they say he is the most fastideeus thing in naychur.'

'good lord i hoap not' sed the duchess. 'although it wud sertanely serve... that is to say that his buxom cowntess mite be a littel less hi in the instep. But you never herd it from me franses. Besyds i am not heer to tittel-tattel but to tell you that i am going to aknowledj laydie proodens wether you lyk it or not. if she was one of the artfull baggajs iv seen abowt this seeson id let her twist in the wind and good riddence. but she is an innosent child and im not going to let the ton rooin her chances of a good mach.'

'and yet you say wedding bells are not going to chym?'

'not for my brother' sed the duchess. 'he may be my brother frankie but beleev me it wud be out of the frying pan into the fyr for the puir child. o i daresay charles had some hoaps of mayking a mach between his doter and his old freind. but i wudnt wish that fayt on littel proodens. it wud almost be insest.'

laydie jersie looked at her keenlie.

'insest! how do you meen?'

'oh well' sed the duchess with studied vagueness. 'i am shur hewbert has been lyk an unkel to her all thes yeers.'

'my hed is all a-wirl' sed laydie jersie. 'i will call on you as soon as i can. you say yore brother is not after all the girls luvver?'

'sertanely not.'

'and thus she was not the occashun for the dooel?'

'sertanely not.'

'then wat on earth was?'

'to mayk a long and paynful storie short frankie hewbert struk charles.'

'yes i know that but wy?'

the duchess seemed too sag. she lost her riteous x-presshun and sank into the pillows of her chayr.

'i cudnt say frances becas i reelie doant kno. i think ther may be a wumman at the bottom of it but wat wumman i simplie cud not tell you. but doant sujest it was laydie proodens becos onlie a zany cud look at that girl and think she cud hav anything to do with it. a most refreshing innosens. she reminds me of myself at that ayj.'

laydie jersies thots turned breeflie to all she had ever herd of the layt dook of paisley and sitting besyd her dejected freind patted her hand.

'ther ther clementyn. it is the lot of wimmen after all. i am sorry now that i cut yore littel freind. ill find sum way to mayk it up to her--altho reallie a stallyon! wat was the girl thinking?'

'probably that it was the fastest hors in the staybels' sed clementyn. 'wat skotland needs is a grate poet or ryter to reveel to you n-glish the grate heroism of our skottish wimmen and our loyaltie to our klan! and that reminds me that i had better get bakk to my striken brother. poor hewbert. whooever the wumman is he is sertanely taking it hard.'

laydie jersie shook her hed in sympathy and then sat up strait as if she had been stung.

"hermione!" she x-claymed.

the dowayjer stared.

"frances?"

"hermione!" cryed laydie jersie agane. 'o that sly boots. clementyn---you dont imagin?'

'good hevens no' gasped the duchess. she laffed litely. 'my deer franses. consider charles. the very glass of fashun and mold of form! no no no. i kollekt you have not seen my brother in some yeers. no match for a charles grunestane beleev me! besides he is a clergyman he wud never.. that is...no! he wud never commit such a crym!'

'i beg yore pardon clementyn' sed laydie jersie carefullie wyping her fase of its prurient x-presshun of delyt in skandal. 'i kollect we are tawking of yore brother. forgiv me.'

'i forgiv you' sed clementyn with a sisterly kiss. 'but mind you forgiv laydie proodens for wat was after all in our cowntrie heroik feelial pietie.'

she got up to go.

'by the way' she sed tirning at the door. 'evrything iv sed abowt my brother franses. i kno i need not ask...'

'of corse not' sed franses jersie.

the beeuwtiful yung duchess of paisley desended the steps of ladie jerseys town hoam and a crewl smyle curved upon her lips. she ordered her dryver to tayk her to hoam and no sooner had she alited but the carriaj of a gentleman pulled up before the huose. a gentleman in a top hat and blak frock coat alited. this was sir viktor egret of harley street and after ascertayning his identitie clementyn welcomed him into the huose and ushered him in the bedchaymber of her strikken brother.

quite a chanj had been wrot in the sikroom. the stayl air was now fresh and sweet and the chaymber smelled of lavender and freshlie ironed linen. a bol of grayps stood redie by the bed as did a helthful bottel of wiskey. hewbert had been proped up agaynst fresh pillos. his linen niteshirt had been chanjed--despyte his week shreeks of modest protest--and his unfashunablie long hare had been jerked free of nots and tangels. snow-whyt sheets overlayd with a bloo silk coverlet covverd him up to his chest.

sir viktor took in the sceen and smyled for altho he was a good doktor and prowd of his reputayshun he luvved a good fee and the room smelt even more stronglie of money than it did of lavender. ther was nothing so good for his pokket book as a long lingering illness and one look at hewberts wan fase sujested it.

'hewbert darling' trilled clementyn from the door. 'here is sir vikor egret of harley street come to mayk you comfortable.'

hewbert opened his eies and looked bleerilie at his visiter. his sisters henchwumman had but resentlie given him a dose of a powerful sedativ. it was the onlie way she cud chanj his shirt.

'comfortable? comfortable?' he murmured. 'is ther comfort to be fownd on this side of the grayv?'

'now now mr robinson' sed sir vikor hartilie as he strode to the bed. 'that is not the lyn to tayk sir. you must think happie thots. a fensing ahem axsident is nothing to eat owt yore hart abowt.'

'it is not i sir that eats out my hart but yonder harpie by the door. and wen she has eeten her fill wat must she do but send another harpie drooling with filthie lusts to pillaj and chew?'

'o sir viktor' sed clementyn wipping out her lacie handkerchef and holding it to her eies. 'how he raves!'

'hmm' sed the doktor and bent over hewbert. he looked into his eies and started. 'his pupils are dilated! may i have been asked wat has he been given?'

'only tinkchur of belladonna and opium' sed clementyn piteouslie.

'hmm' sed the doktor. 'the belladonna is all very well but i think he ot not to hav so much opium. kombyned with fever it may overset his reeson.'

'but the payn doktor,' sed the bewtie. 'i kannot bare to see him in payn.'

'wat do you meen?' sed hewbert in slurred tones. 'you ken you lyk nothing better. the payn in my shuolder is nothing to the payn of being in the cluches of such an unnatural sister.'

the duchess sed nothing but merelie mayd sobbing noyses into her hankerchif.
'deer me' sed the doctor. 'if you will permit me mr robinson to lay bare yor shuolder...?'

'my servants?' sed hewbert. 'were are my servants? are they ded? imprisoned? transported? wer is angus macdonald? wer is littel sharlott?'

'good hevens yore grays' sed the doktor startled agane. 'hoo has been attending yore brother? this wuond is n-tyrlie inflaymed!'

'o deer' sed clementyn her fays firmlie disgized by her hankerchif. 'i cannot recall. a doktor smith? i think that it is--smith.'

'liar' slurred hewbert. 'harpie. she-devil.'

'you did very well to dismiss this doktor smith' sed the doktor sternlie. 'this sadlie neglekted wuond will tayk careful tending now. if the infekshun spreds i will have to remoov his arm.'

'no' cryed hewbert struggling up. 'you can not remoov my arm you minion of satan it is consecrayted.'

'i beleev your grays...'sed the doktor meeningfullie. clementyn rang the bell and two footmen attended by rufus the blak payjboy kaym in.

'wat fresh villanie is this?' demanded hewbert as the men held him down. 'help! help! angus! angus! angus! help!'

'not too much' muttered the doctor over his needel 'we do not want to over-slow the hart.' he gayv hewbert the injekshun and the man fell limp among the pillows. the doktor plased his head over hewberts hart and then lifted his eielid. the duchess nodded to the servants and they left the room.

'it will be some time befor he regayns conshusnes poor fellow' sed sir viktor. 'ill retirn this evning to bleed him.'

'i am very gratful to you sir viktor' sed clementyn. 'wat must i do in the meentym?'

'wy nothing yore grays' sed the doktor. 'you must leev him striklie alone. he must not be over-xited--that cud be qwyt fatal. it is not just the wuond--it is his hart. i do not wish to make you over-anxious yore grays but i beleev i hav detekted sum maladie of the hart. either too slow a hartbeet or too rapid cud depress his helth very rapidlie.'

clementyn willed a blush.

'he longs abuv all for the visit of his friend the earl of grunstane' she mirmired. 'but i am afrayd..ehm..i hav herd...ehm...it has reeched my eers that sir charles was he hoo gayv him the...ehm...axsidental blow.'

'i see' sed the doktor with a serching luik of the bewtiful fays befor him. 'well in that cays yore grays it is my opinion that anyone involved in the seen of the..hem hem...axsident shud not be permited to enter this room.'

'verrie well sir viktor' sed clementyn. 'i will do my best to a-line my will with yores and not that of my brother. but you see how very very commanding he is.' she gayv a littel laff. 'it is for this reeson that i hav been forsed to mayk alternate arranjments for his staff.'

they left the room and after the butler had s-corted the grate man to the door clementyn sat at her ryting desk. she skribbled a note on a perfewmed sheet and rang for rufus the blak payjboy. within half an hour proodens fownd herself braking open the wayfer at the lunch taybel.

'well my dere' sed her mother affekshunatlie. 'wat does it say?'

'my deer ladie proodens' red proodens 'how delightfulie kynd of you to agree to add a yuothful note to wat will now be a very happie afternoon and evning indeed. send along yore finest dinner dress now and that way you will be unencombered for our dryv. how delited my brother will be to see you. your admirer clementina p.'

'wat a kind unaffekted kordial wumman she is' x-claymed hermione.

'yes' sed proodens and immediatelie scheemed abowt wat she wud ware.

it was in a costewm of rich fawn brown that proodens appeered in the park at the fashunable hour. and as evry club and dinner parties buzzed that evning she was driving none other than the dowajer duchess of paisleys bays as the dowajer duchess of paisley dressed in chocolate brown sat besyd her.

'grate hevens!' sed lady crane to lady cameron as clementine wayved to their barouche. 'i cannot beleev my eies!'

'bless my cuzzins maternal sole' sed lady cameron. 'you see there was nothing in all that stuff and nonsens about the dooel. poor lady proodens to be so malyned! my nikk is qwite mad about her you kno.'

'and there he is' sed lady crane as a blond man on horseback cot up to the paisley curricle. the curricle wich had been rolling along at a fine clip slowed as the horseman leaned towards it.

'i feel as if i have been transported to mount olympus' sed sir nikk 'for clearly venus and psyche have taken out phoebus chariot for a dryv.'

'and how am i to tayk that' demanded the red-haired duchess. 'watever else one kan say abowt her venus mayd a perfektlie friteful mother-in-law.'

'beter a mother-in-law than a sister-in-law' sed nikk meeningfulie and a blush tinged the fase of the young dryver.

'hush' sed clementyn rapping his rein-encased nukkels with her fan. 'shame on you when my poor brother is still so unwell. wen he seeses to rayv then such gentel jests are permissible--by family. but in the meantime mind your manners.'

'poor old fellow' sed sir nikk suppressing an envious sneer. 'but i beleev that parsons as a class are prone to such nervus disorders.'

'if only it were that' sihed the duchess with a swift look at her pretty charge. 'theres a streak of madness in we robinsons you kno. you shud thank heven that your syd of the familie is free of it. you can marry---and remarry--without the guilt of passing on the taint to children as yet unborn!'

her voice cot in her throte and although nikk was in general a very selfish man he thot that such an attitude was rather a waste of the dowayjers scrumptious charms.

'but never mind' clementyn continued britely 'it mayks me all the more fond of young girls like lady proodens here. doesnt that colour suit her wonderfully?'

'you both suit each other' sed sir nikk gliblie. 'i konfess i am almost overwelmed. i am sure i am the envy of every man in this park. by the way i dont suppose hermio--lady grunestayn is here this afternoon?'

proodens looked at him with a blue and icy gaze.

'mamma is at home,' sed the girl coldly 'with papa.'

'then i shall call upon them there' sed sir nikk easily and doffed his hat. 'good afternoon laydies.'

'goodness grayshus laydy proodens,' laffed the duchess when the blond head was out of earshot. 'wat a set down!'

proodens blushed.

'i didnt meen to be rood' she sed. she struggled for sumthing nise to say. 'he has always been so kind and attentiv.'

'i daresay' sed clementyn 'whip up those horses prudens or every gabbler in the park will think we are fair game. but as half the girls in town are setting thier caps at yung nikolas cameron you do very well to keep him at a distans. o the most trustworthy young man there is of corse but perhaps a little spoiled by attenshun. he is so handsome you see.'

'yes' sed proodens slowly 'he is handsome altho of corse not so handsome as papa--even to older ladies like mamma...'

'even to!' chortled the duchess. 'deer me proodens wat hav you been told abowt older ladies? i deklare i am shokked at yore cynicism. yes many older ladies in their dotage do becom entransed with young fases--la! the stories i cud tell you--but you can tayk it from me that no older ladie of cents wud hav anything to say to sir nikk wen yore father was in the room. deer me no. in fakt they wud be much more likely to prefer my poor brother... wy i think there was some tawk of hewbert corting hermione before charles fixed things up...."

"wat!" cried proodens and her face flamed. 'o no yore grays. i am qwite shur that cannot be. i hav never herd any such storie. mamma has told me many times that the only man who was ever---.'

she broke off. it was one thing to know that mamma had only ever had one suitor and qwite another to menshun it to another wumman.

'ever good enough for her' supplied the duchess hartily. 'well perhaps i am mistayken. i was still in the skoolroom after all. and they told me yore mother was such a serious shy girl--only confident wen she was arguing some philosophikal or ekonomik point! but as we hav seen she was a late bloomer blossoming into bewty in middle age. well some women are like that. i am shur i am happy for her.'

'mm-mamma?' stammered proodens. 'a bewty?'

'my dear girl how unfilial!' laffed clementyn. 'dont tell me you are envious of your mother! wy shud she not hav sum admirashun too?'

'but er i meen to say that is thank you very much' sed proodens doutfullie. ons agane she had the unhappy feeling of being possessed by two proodenses: the old proodens hoo sed and did whatever she liked and cared only for elefants and the new proodens who never knew wat to say and seemed always in the wrong and often wanted just to lie in bed and cry.

"your welcome' sed the duchess. 'as for nikk wat i wish is that he wud settle down with a very nice girl and not with one of those widows he is always seen with. really hes just a boy--but wat a deliteful man he will be wen he grows up. a wonderful catch for somebody'

she affected to sigh and then laffed.

'youll be thinking i'm in my dotage next! never mind all this tawk of bewty and luv laydie proodens! if you are satisfied that the horses hav had enuff i suggest we dryv home to supper. we shall dress you shall visit the poor invalid and then we shall dine early. how does that suit you?'

'very well yore grays' sed proodens. All thots of sir nikk and her mother flew from her hed, and her hart began beet lyk a drum.

McKelvie Is Ordained

Just a quick update for those of you who have read Seraphic Singles and remember my housemates Ted and Jonathan and our friend McKelvie. I met McKelvie in 2005, and even then he dreamed of becoming a priest. His first seminary had not worked out. However, despite various discouraging experiences, McKelvie persisted in his vocation. Eventually he joined an ancient religious order, and now he has been ordained a priest.

Sadly, the fact that transatlantic plane fares skyrocket in December meant that I could not be there. But Ted was there, bless him, and he has sent me his photographs. Three are of McKelvie giving his Primi blessing to Ted, and one of them is now my laptop background.

So McKelvie is an example of a Serious Single--although McKelvie very much likes women and would have made a great husband and father had he not fallen in love with the priesthood--who persevered in his vocation. Congratulations to McKelvie, but congratulations to all us Catholic laypeople, too. Hello, Good Man.

another bakk chaptr

thank you thank you nachuraly you miss me but its serafiks falt litwo ojczyzno moja indede. she studys nite and day i want to be sik. wat abowt the xmas bakking i ask? still at leest wen those big skary men were in the huose she bakked stuff wich as we kno is the point to my outer adult. apart from being a contayner for me i mene. rofl! bakking shoping and contayning thats the tikkut. o that she wud buy an it-bag insted of polish lesons. how i wish i were jkrowlings inner child insted.

anyway as it is the seeson of good will and santa heer i am to giv you another bak chapter of the bodis riper befoar my grate plunj into new stuff. so heer we go. remmember that hewberts servants hav bene stuffed in clemenyns attik and that angus and mr macdonald are the same man. this is important or you mite be confewsd. the kichen boy/soo shef micheal macintyr is the only roamn kathlik in the n-tyr storie so you may wish to wach his kareer with intrest.

BODIS RIPER!

part three (wy is there no numbber for three?)

chapter 2

the attiks of the duchess half-moon street manshun were x-tensiv but onlie roodlie finished. a projekt to tirn them into servants qwarters had been aloud to lapse. the skeleton staff which wich the revrent hewbert robinson had thot to bring with him from skotland--valet french chef coachman kichen boy footman and parlor mayd--had fownd themselvs on thier arrival s-corted into a larj and dustie chamber--aksesibul by a door to the stayrwell--and lokked in.

the servants chagrin wen they diskovered thier imprisonment is beyond my pen and preferred choys of dikshun. the oaths employed by valet and coachmen were obseen and those of the french chef franklie blaspheemus. micheal macintosh the kichen boy (or soo-chef as he kalled himself) and dayvie ross the footman listened to thier elders assalts upon the n-glish and french langwages with aw. sharlott stuffed her fingers in her eers.

'its no yews' sed jon coachman rubbing the shulder that had fayled to prevayl agaynst the door
'its been bolted top middul and bottum.'

'its nobbut a wooden door' x-claymed angus 'and no door will keep me from mah puir wee mr hewbert. all together ons agane.'

but the strayning senior staff were at last forsed to admit defeet. they prodded x-perimentallie at the various windows cut into the roof but these had been lokked shut and were at such a presipitus angel that to smash one and crawl throo was tantamownt to sooisyd. one by one the staff gayv up and began to mayk the most of thier sojirn.

jon coachman had brot a pakk of cards and distraked himself from worrie abowt his eqwyn charges by playing endless gayms with monseeur dufflet and the boys. mr macdonald howevr never gayv up aktiv thot of s-cayp and spent the n-tyr first day of thier imprisonment testing the floorbords beneeth them.

it had okkurred to angus that thier best chans lay with the appeerans of watever servant was sent to bring them thier meels. if the men all rushed him they mite overpower him long enuff to get downstayrs. howevr this servant was a veerlie long tym in koming and and when the bolts were skraped bakk a lowd voys warned them that any ruff stuff wud be answered with a retort from the barkers. and shur enuff wen a beefie and redfased footman carried in 2 steeming bukkets of stew and a string bag of wooden bowls and spoons he was covered by a swarthy groom with a pistol in either hand. a starvved looking wumman followed with a torch.

'this is outrajgeus' x-claymed mr macdonald rysing up lyk an angrie goos. 'are we felons to be imprissoned in this manner? if this is my masters sister her grayses ideya of hospitalitie then it is cleer she has lived overlong in n-gland!'

'you kan sayv yor breth to kool yore stew old gaffer' sed the swarthy groom 'seeing as how i doant savvy yore heethen skottish tung.'

he ran an eie over the prisoners in the flickering lite and both jon coachman and michael macintosh both cashually stepped in front of sharlott effektivlie remooving her from veiw.

'he says this is an outrayg' flaymed up monsieur dufflet 'and me i agree. befor the revolooshun i gaston dufflet was chef to no less a personage than the duc of lorane. with my art i hav mayd the men the most implacable weep and mayk thier first confession in 30 yeers so as to retirn to the taybl to n-joy dessert with a sole as cleen as that of child nooly baptyzed.'

'lissen froggie' sed the ruffian. 'i cudnt giv a tinkers. my orders are to mayk shur you stay up heer until my mistress says you kan come down.'

'but in the naym of the wee man wy?' yelled angus. 'oor master is ailing beneeth our feet and it is our dutie to cayr for him. very odd he will think it if ah dinnae come to him. wy man heell fret himself into a fever and he was alredy luiking peelie-wallie the puir wee lamb!'

the gunman kocked his hed and looked at him with brite eyes.

'i kan heer the wirds koming out but i hav no ideeya wat they meen. you keep yore tung between yore teeth jock and leev the bakchat to froggie.'

'he says our master is ill and needs our assistance' snapped monsieur dufflet. 'we demand to see him at ons.'

'at leest tell us how he fayrs!' x-claymed the coachman.

'the bairn' showted angus in desperayshun 'at leest tayk the bairn to see him.'

'i doant kno nuffink abowt it' sed the gunman. 'you done there peter? lets go then. after you martha. toodle-oo froggie. hav a good nite.'

they had a bad nite. as they all were advansed enuff in servis to rayt proper bedding they wer unewsed to sleeping on floor bords. and as they had been separated from thier belongings they had no coverings but thier coats and these had been sacrifised to mayk sharlot tollerablie comfortabul. sharlot her nervs kompletelie abrayded by the revelayshuns of the day was inklined to be weepie and tried to refews the speshul treetment.

'its wat mr hewbert wud want' sed mr angus 'so wheest.'

'o but mr angus' sed sharlott. 'that was befor wen he thot i was... wen he thot i was...'

'ook' sed mr angus 'ah ken. but if you think the master if going to treet you much diffrent the noo you can think agane. as much as i wanted the strangle ye sharlott ye did the master a good servis by feching laydie proodens to brake up that stramash. hed hav broken his hart over sir charles if heed kilt him. but if id done wat youv done hed hav my guts for garters ay.'

2 mor days and 2 mor nites of imprisonment passed n-livened onlie by visits from the food deetayl and thier mocking armed gard. the air grew thik and unholesum. the prisoners felt itchy and unkleen. the men sprouted stubbel and thier tempers frayed. monsieur dufflet wiled away the tym by descrybing in minewt detayl the feests he had prepared for the duc of lorrane and the hungrie men were finallie drivven to demanding that he hold his tung. thus insulted he throo down his kards and sot the companie of sharlott. sharlott was a better listener and thrilled to the stories of forein playses and nobelity.

on the morning of the 4th day to the surprise of all the bolts scrayped bakk. with a wispered showt mr angus ordered sharlot into the furtherest darkest corner of the attik and the gunman appeered in the doorway with onlie martha for companie.

'well' he sed. 'i reckon you lot hav been holding out on me.'

he grinned widelie and black gaps gayv varietie and interest to his smyle.

'they tell me thiers a femayl up heer.'

'then you have the information faultie' sed monsieur dufflet getting up from the floor. 'i asshur you monsieur that that i hav been feeling most accewtlie the lack of companie feminine.'

'is that so? then why hav i been sent to fech her down? her nibs wants to see her. and come to think of it i want to see her too you sly boots.'

all the men rose to their feet. michael lay a restraining hand on the shulder of red-faysed dayvie.

'indeed of a suretie her grays has been misinformed' sed monsieur dufflet. 'but if her grays wishes to konsult any of us regarding the comfort of our master her brother we wud---.'

'stow it' sed the gunman looking over his hed. 'martha serch the room'.

martha peered into the gloom.

"heer kittie kittie kittie" she crooned and kakkeled.

as she inched forward she fownd her way impeeded by both the tall blak-hayred yung man with bloo eies and the boy.

'ere!' shouted the gunman. 'none 'o that!'

he raised the barkers on the yung men as martha fell bakk.

'no no' sed sharlott hurriedlie koming into the lite 'its nae bother. id be happie to see her grays.'

'good girl' sed the gunman but he looked a tryfel disappoynted. 'skinnie littel thing aincher? o well. get you downstayrs. and as for the rest of you you kan kool yore heels.'

mr angus kleered his throte.

'it may intrest ye to kno' he sed ponderuslie ' that miss blakkie has freinds in x-seedinglie hi playses and that her grays brother has a partikewlar intrest in her kareer. indeed as mr robinson has nae bairns of his ain and is a man of unyewshoal jenerosity it is not impossibul that in fewchur he may mayk this yung lassie his ward.'

'you know' sed the gunman. 'they tell me you lot speek n-glish but i cant credit it. wat he say froggie?'

the chef dulie translayted and the gunman sed that that was all very sweet but non of his bizness so they cud shut it. with a speeking look at mr angus and one kwik bakward look at michael sharlott followed old martha down the stayrs.

she fownd herself being led down several flytes of sandstone stayrs to a pleasant stone-lined sellar well-lit by sunnie windows set high abuv. a flock of kichen mayds in whyt aprons and handsom footmen in livverie hurried bakk and forth over the well-kleened floor. sharlott felt an enormus sens of releef and sniffed eegerlie at the ordinarie everyday smells of lavender and baking bred.

old martha stopped in front of a green door and pushed it open. it was a dormitory with two bunk beds of three emptie bunks and a window set neer the seeling. agaynst the wall was a tabyl with a jug and basin of steeming water. besyd it was a cleen grey bodis and skirt grey hose wyt petticoat and a smart starched wyt pinafore and cap set on a chayr.

'that alls for you' sed the old wumman in her krakked voyse. 'get in ther and kleen yerself up. ill be bak in a moment to tayk you to her grays.'

she pushed sharlott insyd and shut the door.

sharlotte slipped off her shoes and hurriedlie did as she had been told. altho her hed told her to s-cayp and fynd her way back to pewsey huose to e-lissit aid her hart sed she cudnt mayk the attempt until after she had assertayned the immediayt kondishun of her master. wen martha retirned she plastered a dosyl look on her fays and obedientlie followed her along the korridor and up another flyt of stone servants steps glansing shewdlie throo the windows of evry door they past.

'her grays is verrie partikewlar' sed martha. 'yes verrie parikewlar indeed. so you had beter be a good girl or youll find yoreself bakk up in the attik with the other pigins my prittie.'

'yes mam' sed sharlott memmorizing thier roote.

'no need to call me mam' sed the old woman. 'old martha will do. iv been in the dooks servis lo these manie manie yeers and to his father befor him and i was old martha to his father and i am old martha to him.'

'ook' sed sharlott with kunning 'i thot her grays was a widow.'

'that she is that she is' sed martha. 'my dook is her grays brother in law and id cut myself into littel peeses for him so i wud. hes a fyn master for all of his wyld ways. and wy shudnt he be wyld?'

she stopped and glared at sharlott as if she had uttered sum kritism of the current dook of paisley. the girls dosyl x-presshun flickered.

'id be wyld myself if i wer a yung man of his posishun' croked martha. 'lawks!'

'a guid master is a grate blessing' sed sharlott.

'youv got that ryt' sed martha. 'ah it does my hart good just to think of his grays and his brayv bold spirrit. they kall him the nekromanser but i laff em to skorn.'

'i luv my master too' sed sharlott 'do you ken how he gets on?'

'shh!' hissed martha. 'heer we are. absolootlie no tawking past this door. if thers anything her grays kannot abyd it is the sound of servant chatter.'

she pushed open the door to a bare servants hallway and then opened a door into a vast bedroom. altho sharlott was yewsed to the noo town elegans of mr robinsons sharlott squar residense she had to blink at the sumpshusness of the dowayjer duchess's own pryvat chaymber.

the walls were covvered with sky bloo silk and gold-framed payntings of bewtiful nakked ladyies by streems and of almost nakked men with big muscles fiting other almost nakked men with big muscles or lions. these were interspersed with gold-framed mirrors and grate hi windows that looked down upon a beautiful garden.

ther was a gold and whyt painted vanitee taybel and a simplie enormus bed with gold and bloo hangings. the seeling was painted with a huge sceen of three bewtiful ladies and a man in a toonik with a golden appel. in the backgrownd a city went up in flaymes. the thick karpet under sharlotts feet spilled woven flowrs in all direkshuns and out the open doors to a grand sitting-room. the air was hevy with the perfewm of the sweet peas in vayses dotted all about the chaymber and sharlott felt almost overwelmed with the bewtie of it all.

'as god is my witnes no man has ever set foot in this chaymber sins it was noolie dekorayted' hissed martha in sharlotts eer. 'its a pitie aint it a grate laydie lyk her. but her grays is very particular.'

'ook' sed the blushing sharlott 'ay.'

'you stay heer now' sed the old wumman. 'dont touch anything'.

and mumbling to herself she went out the servants door--almost invisible from the insyd--and shut it behynd her. sharlott was alone in the beeutiful chaymber. not knowing wat els to do she stood in the middel of the carpet and wayted.

she did not hav to wayt long. a door opened and a lithe red-headed woman in a rich violet gown kaym into the room. havving seen her portrayt in mr robinsons studie sharlotte knew her at onse as her grays the duchess of paisley. she sank into a cirtsie and tried not to tremble.

'so this is sharlott!' cryed the yung dowayjer in a sweet deeplie edinburg voys that mayd irrashunal hope spring up in the parlormayds brest. 'i hav herd all abowt you! the notty mayd hoo broke up an n-gayjment of honor!'

sharlott blushed and sank into another cirtsie.

'no no' laffed the duchess. 'dinnae look so ashaymed sharlott. thees missish ayrs are not for skotswuman such as we. and between ourselves i am glad my hot-tempered brother has been savved from bekoming a murderer. such shokking behaviour! and he a minister of the gospel too. wat a very bad x-ampel to us all.'

'ook yore grays--!'

'ah yes' interrupted the duchess and took sharlotts fays between her glovved hands. 'i kan well understand that you must be wondering how your master is. wat a good and loyal girl--just as my brother sed! well sharlott you kan be at ees for mr robinson tho poorlie at the momment is in very good hands and we will soon see him up agane and prating at us all for our despikabul sins watever they may be.'

'ook but yore grays---?'

sharlotts qwestshun faltered on her tung as she say the duchess sunnie cowtananece klowd over with annoyans.

'i hoap sharlott' sed her grays coldlie 'that you are not going to complayn of yore qwarters these past few days. it is no eesie thing to combyn too huoseholds ken and i am shur you kan imajin how we hav all bene thrown in an upror by resent evvents. we had to konsider yore master first of all.'

'ook no yore grays' sed sharlott deeplie distirbed 'ah dinnae meen to komplayn. ook no! ah am pairfektlie--ah am--ah-- it disnae matter abowt us yore grays we were pairfekltie that is to say we onlie were so worrit abowt the master.'

the clowd disappeered and the bewtiful duchess beemed upon the parlormayd agane.

'ook' she sed. 'that does you and the men grate kredit sharlott and now that i think abowt it i was remiss not to hav asshuranses carried upstayrs. that must be seen to. but in the meentym sharlott we must see wat i kan do for you.'

'for me yore grays?'

'yes for you. now that yore master my brother has n-trusted you to my kayr lets see wat we kan do. he has sed that you are a very good and deserving yung femayl hoo ot to advans in servis. iv a mynd to trayn you up as a sort of laydies mayd companyon. we kan begin by teeching you how to dress a nobelwumman and then--if i find that you are kwik and abel--i will tayk you along with me on a kall.'

sharlott cud skarslie beleev her eers.

'me yore grays?'

the duchess laffed and the sound was as merry as slay bells in the sno.

'aye you sharlott. now let us go to the closet and see if the seamstress has mended my grass-green gown. i always try to look my very best for a visit to the pewsies.'


well that is enuff for today my outer adult wants the tabul for litwo ojczyzno moja nonsens. i cud starv for all she kayrs. i am onlie bothering becos of my fanns esp notburga shiraz sheela and nuns.

helo it is me bak for x-mas lol

it is i the inner child bak for x-mas i may hav bene gone but i hav bene good. i told my outer adult that it was me or poelish klasses and wat did she do? so blame her. evryone knos how i feel abowt skool! howevr it is a tym of goodwill and pees to all men ect. so i am bak to spred the joj of me and tell you wat happened with proodens and wats his name. besyd look wat serafik has desended to: z's all over the plaice komplete giberish lyke szczgolnie and mayd up letters with tales on. obveeouslie she is desprate! so i am bak and i hope santa tayks that into konsiderashun becos if i doant get my it-bag for x-mas i will skreem and skreem.

ok so probablie you are lost regarding the plot i kno i am. therefor i will ryte a preeambel and then stik up the last chaptr befor i kontinoo. by the way this is dedikated to notburga my #1 #fan and sekondarilie sum nagging nuns hoo shud be thinking of heyer things. rofl.

it is abowt 1810 or whatevr and ther is a huose kalled grunestane wich meens green stone and it has some aristos in it hoos desendents will no dowt lose it in the 20th senturie becos of deth duties taxashun is theft. howevr rite now it is grate to be an aristo at leest in skotland and england not frans of course lol. it is betr tho in rusha and polan you cud have slavs. anyway this is a polish free storie i am at a loss at my outer adult muttering 'o litwo!' lyk that meens somthing.

so ther is a girl naymed proodens and she is beeootiful and she has a father lord grunestane and he is beeootiful too. her mother is not beeootiful but klever. lord grunestane has a best freind named hewbert. he is a skottish episkopaleean clergie man. all thees aristos are skottish episkopalians aka pixies x-sept for the english karacters hoo of corse are anglikans. the servants are presbies or katholic, of corse. then there is also klementyne hewberts sister she is wikked. o dere maybe a list is in ordr:

lady proodens pewsey--heroine v. pretty loves elefants must be married off as is 17

sir charles pewsey earl of grunstane--her father, a komposer & church organist as well as aristo, a v. kindlie and innosent man much lusted after as he is so handsom even at 40.

mademoiselle blanche--proodens governess not so important reely

lady hermione pewsey countess of grunstane--proodens mother, devoted wife of charles, bloostoking and fat.

the rev the hon hewbert robinson -- best friend of sir charles, pixie minister he thinks he is a preest tho

sir henry robinson, earl of i forget--hewbert's venial but afekshunat brother

clementyn dowager duchess of paisley--herbert's very beeotiful but wicked sister she lusts over charles horriblie and plots to steel him from his wife. kurrentlie she has got hewbert in her clutches he is very sick from a duel with charles and clementyn has been killing him with neglekt

sir nikk cameron--hewberts cousin he is v. handsome and luvs older laydies like my outer adult only fatter he is lusting after lady hermione and so is in cahoots with clementyn who wants sir charles altho nikk dosnt kno that. clementyns reputayshun is perfekshun x-sept with her brothers. all hewberts relayshuns are wikked no wonder his piety is so x-treem. anyway evryone wants him to marry proodens.

sharlot blackie--loyal servant to hewbert & only wumman on staff as hewbert until reesentlie a horrible misogynist! currently locked in clementyn's attik with the rest of hewberts staff. roomered to be charles natchural daughter but reely it was his grandpa

mr angus--hewberts valet/butler

mrs harvey--clementyn's henchwoman/laydiesmaid

vareeos servants and aristos like the whole cameron familie hoo are hewberts cuzzins plus the elderly major-general with a crush on proodens, laydy jersey the prins rejent mistress and also the prins rejent and his vareeous brothers.

by the way i shud stayt that i have not seen downton abbey. my outer adult saw one epeesod and hated it so much she never watched it agane. ther was an attempted rayp or something horrid rite in the first epeesod and homie dont play that sed serafik.

ok so now you wil get some preevious chapters and wen they finish i will ad some new ones. it will be lyke a x-mas prezent for notburga and those nuns who arent alowed the internet so serafik will hav to print and mayl it.

THE BODIS-RIPER!!!

PART 3

chapter 1

how noos of the skandalous kontest between the erl of grunestayn and a skottish deevyn took hold and spreed lyk a contaygion thru out the fashionable wirld is a mistrie. the partisipants and the spektaytors--gentle or common--had sworn themselvs to sekrecie and yet many of them fownd themselvs the objekts of increesing curiositie and serching hints. that ther had bene a dewl was absolootelie sertane--but wat the ton did not kno was wy. the rumor that the affair of honor had been interrupted by the erls own doter seemed to shed sum lyt on the dark korners of motiv.

'they tell me' sed lady jersey to lady cameron in the latters ormulu droring room 'that the girl hurtled to her lovers rescew in a coach-and-4.'

'my dear lady jersey' sed lady cameron twisting the ends of her shawl in her hands 'the depths to wich sosietie will sink to unseet an innosent girls repewtayshun will never sees to amayz me.'

her cheeks were very pink. as the wyf and mother of the earl of grunestayns seconds she had attayned a popewlaritie unpresidented in her kareer. if onlie it had been for some other reeson! day after day and nite after nite a growing akwaintans demanded--subtlely but in-xorablie--to kno wat she knew. and despyt her n-treeties her husband refewsed to tell her the hole other than to say that brat of hers wud hav them all in the basket. it wud apeer that fixing nikolas intrest with laydie proodens and her forchoon wud not be plane sayling after all. but she had not lost hart and hoaped that her unflagging defens of the girl wud in tym meet the ryt eers.

lady jersey pondered lady camerons pink cheeks and twisting hands and felt the cats thrill upon finding yet another muose hole.

'sertanley i hav always thot laydie proodens a sweet chyld' she sed cashuallie 'if a tryfle too well-read. they tell me that she is bekoming qwite an authoritie on indiyan trayd--or perhaps on those in hoos perveiw indiyan trayd has been.'

lady cameron flushed deeper.

'i kollekt you meen major-jeneral lytton' she replyed 'yes i understand that they are the best of freinds but of corse lady jersey you cud not imajin that lady proodens wud be bedazzeled by such an old man--or any older man. she is the veriest chyld. and she has her own forchoon you kno so his does not signifie.'

'indede not' sed lady jersey 'tho i wonder if my lord grunestayn wud agree. they tell me major-lytton was his second after all. an unushual choys.'

'was he?' asked poor lady cameron. 'im afrayd im very stupid abowt such matters. but i kan tell you that ther is no lasting n-mity between the erl and my husbands poor cuzzin for i do kno--or hav been krediblie informed--that the erl brot hewbert to her grace in his own town carrij.'

'at his doters behest i am told.'

'hevens' sed lady cameron with a fritened titter 'charles grunestayn allowing himself to be told wat to do by his own doter! wat will peeple say next i wonder! and as for cuzzin hewbert the ideeya that he may hav fixxed his interest with a yung chit of a girl owt of the skoolroom simplie beggars beleef. i do not mynd telling you lady jersey that my husbands cuzzin holds our n-tyr sex in avershun. indeed tho i hav rayked my branes over and over agane and all but begged my husband on bended knee to tell me i cannot shed lyt on wat the kwarrel was abowt. depend upon it ther is no laydie at the hart of this mistry. hot words over drink--that is my best hypothesis--hot words almost immeediatlie regretted. cuzzin hewbert is a hot-tempered man he fot cowntless dewls at oxford over matters theologikal.'

'hmm' sed lady jersey 'from wat i kno of lord grunestayn and hav herd of the honorubel hewbert there is much in wat you say. and the coach and 4?'

'coach and 4' x-claymed laydy cameron. 'that chit of a girl? depend upon it lady jersey wen his lordship and cuzzin robinson met littel proodens pewsie was asleep in her bed.'

****
'it was of corse a shatterbraned thing to do' sed sir nikkolas cameron to her grays the dowayjer duchess of paislie. it was known throo-owt london that-- in lyt of her beloved brothers dyr illness--the dowajer was not as the saying was at home. sir charles grunestayn it was wispered had sot admittence agayn and agayn but had bene tirned away.

nevertheless the duchess had fownd it in her hart to admit one witness of her brothers downfall. she sat now akross from him in her brite morning room in rich violet robes and if her eye stole from tym to tym to the fortepiano sir nikkolas did not reed any message there.

'x-playn it to me agane' sed the dowager and touched a slender hand to her alabaster forehed so festooned with awburn curls. 'my mynd has bene all of a wirl for days sir nikkolas. you sed that in his furie my unhappie brother had fot sir charles to a standstill wen--.'

'wen up charjes my laydie proodens on a wyt stallyon--a stallyon i ask you!--with the erls bastird--well maybe not charles bastird but his grandfathers or sum such--meeklie trotting behynd on a grey ponie. cuzzin hewbert looked up gobsmacked--and hoo can blaym him--and the erl filletted him. o i beg yore pardon.'

'no no' sed clementine hiding her dancing eies behind her hand. her voyse trembled dramatikallie 'do not spayr my feelings. i wud kno the hole. and laydie proodens throo herself before her nobel syr did she?'

'not she' sed nikkolas warmlie 'it was qwite shokking reelie for she throo herself befor cuzzin hewbert! lord! if i didnt kno hewbert to hav fixxed his intrest in qwite another qwarter i wud hav thot--! well lets just say that we will not be wishing any mrs major-jeneral lytton happy on her wedding day any tym soon. the old boy was shokked speechless. grunestayn did his best to smooth things over of corse. lord! if theres anything i dont lyk its a green girl hoo puts herself forward.'

'for shaym' sed her grays momentarilie driven from dissemblence. 'she did not but put a stop to this trajic meeting. and in so doing she sayved her fathers life. i cannot luv him--no--for a sisters love forbids that i luv my brothers erstwile slayer--but i at leest can honor the wumman hoo boldlie risked all to sayv human lyf. we scotswomen are not yore english bred-and-butter misses to cower at hoam wen the bagpyps warn battle is at hand!'

'bagpyps is apt' sed sir nikkolas eesily 'for it was that littel bagpyp of a bastird hoo summoned her to the fray.'

he stood.

'well i must tayk my leev your grays' he sed 'as much as it payns me to leev so much bewtie. i hav promissed my mother to kall upon pewsey huose. she has sum noshun--wud you credit it-- that the fayr horswumman and i wud soot.'

'i do credit it' sed the dowajer duchess promptlie 'and wat is mor i think it an x-sellent ideya. it trubbels me to think that her zeel to sayv all unknoing her mothers sekret luver may discredit her in the eies of sosietie. it wud be a shaym for an innosent to be so wronged for tho brayv she is sertanelie an innosent.'

'depressinglie so' sed sir nikk. 'if onlie you dear duchess had fayvored my soot...'

'get thee hens' sed the dowajer and standing rung the bell. 'i will hav no flirtayshus nonsens! for shaym sir! my brother lys abuv in wat may be his last agonie.'

'i beg yore pardon onse agane yore grace. i am a sad rakketie fellow.'

'you are' sed clementyn. 'i cud wish laydie proodens a better husband.'

'madame' sed sir nikk with a rogish grin 'i am entyrelie of the saym mind.'

wen the yung man had left the room the bewtiful dowajer fell deep in thot. she crossed the room sat at the fortepiano and sketched an arpeggio. but then she stood and went out to the hallway and up the grand stayrcays to the long corridor of bedrooms. she listened at a door for a moment and then turned the handle. she entered a dark and gloomy chamber.

'angus,' sed a voys a mans voys week with fever.

'indeed not' sed the duchess sweetlie. her skirts swept the dark carpets as she advansed upon the sick man. as her eies adjusted to the dim lit she saw with a cewrious pleshur the drawn whyt fays of her brother and the eager lite fayding from his eies. he shut them.

'madam' sed hewbert. 'i wud kno the wereabowts of my servitors.'

'goodness' sed his sister. 'how shud i kno? i imajin they are in servants halls or down in the shops or even in an alehuose. am i my brothers servants keeper?'

'obveeuslie not' sed hewbert. 'i kollekt you are yore brothers gaoler.'

'theres gratitood' sed clementyn klapping her hands to her hart. 'i am qwite hurt i declayr. ive a mynd not to tell you the laytest on-dit of the town.'

'o god' sed hewbert. 'not onlie my gaoler but my torcheror too. may i say madam that unless you bring me a glass of water you will find yore sport suddenlie curtayled.'

'o very well' sed clementyn krossing the room to the beeyuroh upon wich a jug of tepid water had silently taunted the suffering klerik all morning. she filled a cup whyl gailie chattering 'youl never gess hoo has just been by to see me!'

'charles' sed hewbert and struggled up onto an elbow. 'charles come at last. but he hasnt gone? he hasnt gone clementyn? i must see him. i must!'

'calm yoreself' sed clementyn crossing the room with the water. 'not charles but cuzzin nikkolas.' she broke off and pretended not to heer hewbert settel down agane with a groan on his flat and crumpled pillos. 'do you kno i am seeing qwyt another syd of cuzzin nikkolas. the on-dit has always bene that he carys nothing for green girls but it seems that he has fallen viktim at last.'

hewbert drank greedily from the cup in his sisters hands and some color returned to his fase as he let his hed fall bak and shut his eies.

'i am not intersted in nikks flirtayshuns' he sed. 'and ill hav you kno madam that it is onlie thanks to lyttons sharp eies that he did not--advententlie or inadvertentlie i kno not--kill both charles and me with his badlie cleened wepons!'

'yes yes yes so you sed' sed clementyn 'but from hints that you drop wen asleep--for you are at yore most diverting wen asleep brother--i think you will be most interested in this flirtayshun.'

'wat do you meen?' demanded hewbert. his eies opened and he turned his hed to look at his sister. 'speek wumman.'

but insted of reveeling wat she knew the bewtie got up from the chayr and took a tirn arownd the room.

'the pewsies' she mewsed and laffed. 'the pewsies. wat a fatal tendencie has the robinson clan for the huose of grunestayn hewbert does it not?'

'madame' sed hewbert and his dark eies burned with the fever that was wasting his but newly convalescent fraym. 'speek yore pees or qwit my chaymber. i do not kno wat you hav don with my staff but do not think that they will not fynd sum way to rescew me.'

'such drama' mermered clementyn.

hewbert was sylent.

'i must konfess' sed clementyn slyly 'that she is a tayking littel thing. she puts me in mynd of a merry littel bloobell dansing in the breez. those luvley pewsie eies of such a velvetie sky-lyk hew---.'

'madam i fayl to see--.'

'and such an aimiable smyling cowtenance--skin as soft and cleer as the petal of a whyt rose slightlie tinged with pink! her x-presshun so innosent and so winning!'

'madam i am awayr--.'

'not as yet a tall girl and her slim figewr is stil immatchur but i wud be surprised if it did not in a very short tym rippen lyk a succewlent--!'

'madam!' x-claymed hewbert with as much strength as he cud muster. 'i am perfektlie well akwainted with laydie proodens. ther is no need for yor panegyriks. i kno wat she looks lyk.'

'and wat spirit' sed clementyn remoreslesslie 'if onlie i had been ther hewbert to see her ryd lyk the spirit of bereeved wyvs and doters evrywere to demand peece! watever the damned sassenachs may say i kan respekt such a wumman! nay i cud have luvved such a sister-in-law. a pitie she has been n-tirely diskreditted befor sosietie.'

'no' rasped hewbert and ons agane he struggled to his l-bow. 'you ly! we were all sworn to sekrecie! if that devvil nikk has breethed a wird beyond--! and anyway how cud proodens be diskreditted? if ever ther was a heroine in nachur it is she! shurelie thees peepel are not so toploftie as to blaym a girl for ryding--eskorted, sister! eskorted!--to her fathers rescew!'

'well the on-dit--wich shud mayk you laff as merrilie as did i--is that proodens road not to her fathers rescew but to yores.'

she pawsed to see if wat effekt her wirds were havving.

'the amewsing konklushun that is being drawn by the ton is that laydie proodens was the proximayt caus of your enkounter. do i mean proximayt? i kan never keep the aristoteelian kategories strait.'

'outrageous!' rasped the sick man bright dots birning in his cheeks. 'you madam were the proximayt caus! and wer it not for the onor of our naym i wud x-pose you to charles for yore filthie and adultrus lusts which almost led to his undoing and to myn!'

'yes yes' drawled clementyn. 'how luckie for me that you are so n-tyrelie wedded to the onor of our naym. ah men! so powerful and yet yor power is so confownded by femayle desyr. i cud ryt a treeteez on that wud thro mrs wolstonkraft n-tyrelie in the shayd! but meenwile poor littel proodens for all her virchoo and curij is shortlie to be a drug on the marrij market. thank goodness nikk is ryding to her rescew.'

'nikk!'

'o yes! to giv nikk his dew hes not such a cawker to dreem for a minit that laydie proodens wud be no better than she shud be with you. he knos you you see. and the very idea that such a bewtiful and welthie girl such a spirited girl such a girl hitherto sot by so manie matrimonial pryzes wud bestow her favors upon such a cloth-heded ginger-nutted dryed up old prig of a prayting preecher is simplie ridikewlus to those in the kno.'

'ginger-nutted i may be' rasped hewbert 'but i am not so cloth-heded to think that nikk wud be axseptabul to laydie proodens nor she to him. givven wat you are madam i will scroopel to tell you that our cuzzins taytes are solely for ryper froot and tend towards the downstayrs. charles wud never allow such a dirtie dish to approach his doter.'

'ah but nikk now has every intenshun of marrying to pleez his familie' sed clementyn 'and if the skandal gets any wirs littel proodens will be luckie to get him.'

'this kannot be' groned hewbert. 'wat fresh hell is this? laydie proodens diskreditted--and all becos of my intemperat challenj! but shurely you are rong. shurely you hav misherd or rumor has lyed or--god forgyv you--you dissembel. wen you say she is diskreditted wat to you meen?'

'she was cut by laydie jersey' sed clementyn impressivlie.

the sick man fell silent.

'i kno not hoo she mite be' he sed at last 'i kollekt she is some doyenne or other. is she a freind of yours?'

'certanely she is a freind of myn' sed clementyn 'do you not kno that i am all the krak? deer brother i asshur you that thier is 0 rong with my kredit! the duke of kent offers for me evry third thursday. and indeed of the hi stiklers i am konsidered verie hi indeed! it has kom to my eers that i am toasted in the clubs of st jayms as the sno queen! of cors i cud not say this to anyone but you but givven wat we kno it is diverting is it not?'

her dark eies blazed with hellish twin flayms of pryd and deceet.

'then you must go to this laydie jersey' sed hewbert. 'you must tell her that laydie proodens is not to blaym--that laydie proodens is innosent of anything anyone may be saying! and you must go to her--be seen with her--invyt her into this huose--anything to reestablish her kredit!'

'o foo' sed his sister roodlie. 'wy shud i?'

'becos if you do not' sed hewbert closing his eies. 'i shall dy.'

clementyn shrugged.

'you are dying now my freind.'

'i shall dy' repeated hewbert unmooved 'and our brother will come down lyk an avenjing furie upon london to bring yoo to justis.'

'i' x-claymed clementyn. 'it is not i hoo hav murdered you but charles pewsie.'

'charles onlie woonded me--the surjeon shall attest to that. it is you madam hoo are slaying me by inches. and do not think that i perish that yore erlier crym will go unreported. och aye--i see that has got yore attenshun. i wonder wat the pressent dook of paisley mite not do to keep you off the stand.'

'you are delireeus sir' cryed clementyn 'i kno not of wat you speek.'

'you ly' sed hewbert 'and altho my last words may go unherd by kompasshunate wirds my akkewsayshun will sownd throo the streets of london and up and down this teeming island. from lands end to john o groats all britain will kno clementyn duchess of paisley to be a dirty poysoning murtheress! henry will see to that.'

'you liar!' skreemed his sister advansing upon him. 'you damned misbegotten liar! i hav half a mind to kill you in yore bed. i will smother you with the pillows! i will throttel you as eesilie as a kitten!'

'pleez do so' sed the reverend the honorabul hewbert robinson. 'the thot of you swinging from tyburn tree in yore shift offers me grate dethbed konsolayshun.

clementyn stopped stared throo back her hed and began to laff. in the hallway a passing chambermayd herd the laff and broke into a run back wence she caym.

'the devvil bless you hewbert' sed clementyn wyping away her teers of mirth 'for all yore postchuring you are x-actlie as am i.'

'i hoap and pray madam that you are rong in this as in so many other matters.'

'i may even do as you ask' sed clementyn tayking another tirn about the room. 'it wud be fyn sport come to think of it and wat beter way to asshure lord grunestayn of my very good fayth than to ree s-tablish his doter? ah wat a role! wat an actress i wud hav mayd brother!

ther was no reply from the bed. hewbert lay unmooving.

"brother?"

agane there was no replie. the duchess swiftlie approached the bed.

"hewbert?"

the man lay silent and the fine lines eched around his eies seemed to smooth away. his sister took his wrist and simultaneeuslie layd her intrikately coiffed auburn hed upon his chest.

"hewbert!’

as if obeying a summons from a duzen freeked out reeders the sick man regained conshusnes.

'my sufferings are wors than saint pauls' he mermered.

'hells bells' x-claymed his sister 'how you fritened me!'

clementyn took a bottle from her poket and wavved it under her brothers nose. he snorted tirned his fase way and groned.

'enough of this gothik foolishness' sed clementyn to herself. she took hold of the bellpull by the bed and pulled it vigoruslie. after a few moments there was the sound of hevie padding down the hall and swarthy mrs harvey dragged her bulk into the dark room. she rinkled her bulbus nose.

'lawks' she sed. 'its lyk an oven!'

'improov it then' ordered clementyn. 'theres been a chanj in plans. open the drayps and tayk off that hevie coverlet and fluff up the pillows and call for flowers and do and watever els is needful. ill summon a doctor from harley street. meenwile keep an eie on him. if he dys wyl im out ill hav you covvered in honie and tyed to an ant hill.'

'ho!' sed harvey 'will you indede! and wat abowt that lot lokked in the attik?'

'wat abowt them?' asked the dowager duchess. 'i am shur it must be lyk a holiday for them 0 to do but sit arownd and blether.'

'that parlormayd is up there with the men' sniffed the duchesses loyal henchwumman. 'it aint ryt it aint respektabul and im shur i cud yews sum help now that youv saddeled me with an invlid. my feet aint wat they were.'

'leev her be' sed clementyn 'i hav my own plans for the wench. now stop moaning and get on with yore work. if you leev this room ill hav you skinned alyv. im going out.'

'not in that gown you aint' sed harvey.

'verrie troo' sed clementyn koolie and with one bakward look at her brother swept out of the room.

***
more tomorrow now i want choklit.