hello it is me the inner child and now i must akt fast before the gests wayk up and seraphic begins washing dishes agane. i must hav isolayshun to rite i am lyk greta garbo in mor ways than 1. anyway heer is the epeesode yuo hav been with bayted breth been wayting for:
the bodis riper
proodens x-amined herself in the glass as her hostess enormuslie fat and red-fased laydies mayd artful last-minit arranjements to her kurls. she was unshur abowt the nekkline of her bewtiful bloo evening gown becos altho it was very fashunabel so fastidyus a scotch clergiman as hewbert mite think it rood.
'i think mrs harvey' she sed 'that i shud ware my lays after all.'
'not a bit of it mam' sed mrs harvey 'lawks. it wud be a pitie to rooin the lyn.'
'o deer' sed proodens. 'i doant want to rooin the lyn. but also i do not want to gyv hew--mr robinson a hart attak.'
'do not worrie yorself on his akkownt mam' sed wikked harvey 'i am shur that eevn wen he is in his rite mynd--wich the poor man is not--the hon the rev mr hewbert robinson never notises such fripperie detayls as that. wy they tell me he is a very pius man.'
'yes that is troo' sed proodens britening. 'and he must by now seen other laydies waring the noo fasshun so he must be over any shokk.’
'indeed' sed mrs harvey and put in a final pin 'ther now. how very well you look mam. i am shur it will gladden the revernds hart to see you.'
and indeed it wud hav gladened the hart of any of proodens admirers to see her on this occayshun as the afternoons x-ersise her gown and mrs harveys x-pert hairdressing had put her in her best looks. her brown curls shone and her eies were as softlie bloo as her dress and thikklie fringed by long dark eielashes gudnees how lukky to hav them in the dayz befor maskara was respektabel. her lips were nachurally pink and a faint blush tinged her cheeks as she nervusly thot of the invalid down the hall. in short she was a brunette bombshell of the sort that cud mayk a tender maskulin hart simplie stop ded and if you rekall a few chapters bakk that was what the invalids eevil sister clementyn was hoaping for.
innosent proodens got up from the chair befor the vanity and cleered her throte.
'that will do thank you mrs harvey. wud you be so kind as to convey me to the sickroom?'
mrs harvey likked her lips.
'sertainly mam' she sed. 'plees follow me.'
she led proodens down the gloomie lamp-lit hall and opened a door. she stood bakk and nodded her hed. proodens took hold of her skirts and went softlie in.
the room was but dimmlie lit by the candelite but as the candels were mostlie arownd the 4 poster bed proodens cud see qwyte cleerlie the tall leen figgur of a man . it was hewbert indede--there was no mistayking the firey eiebrows if the firey lokks rufflie tumbled on the pillo were less familyar. indeed it seemed to proodens that apart from the dooel she had not seen hewbert without his wigg for yeers and yeers and in trooth never seen him without his clerikal stokk. it strukk her forsiblie that she had never before seen his throt nakked to the elements but ther it was.
such an expanse of hewbertian skin--tho of corse a lot smaller than the expanse of skin wimmen habitchually displayed--mayd proodens feel a trifel stranj. she had to suppress an impuls to run away before she advansed.
tho soft her step was herd by the invalid hoo raysed his hed from the pillows.
'whos that?' he weeklie demanded.
'only I' sed the girl. 'o hewbert--its me proodens!'
'proodens!' cryed the invalid and he struggeled up onto his elbos. 'impossibel! how can this be? hav you fallen into my sisters power? or is this sum trik?'
his voys took on a harsh note prooden had never herd. she hung bakk startled.
'come closer' sed hewbert 'i can barelie see you in the shadows.'
proodens obedientlie stepped into the lite. and there befor him was the site for wich hewbert had simultaneouslie longed and suffered--the site that had first won his hart in a feeld and then overset his reeson in the pixie kirk and then distraked him so much that charles had managed to run him throo. it was laydie proodens pewsey and she smyled. she held forward her littel hand in greeting and hewberts hart stopped ded.
but it is a happie fakt that humman lyf is not primarilie the provvins of medikal sciens but of the Most Hi and watever the predikshuns of a harley street fysishun it was not the will of provvidens that hewbert shud drop ded at this partikular moment. thus almost immediatelie after hewberts hart stopped ded it rebooted and insted of dying hewbert took prudens hand in his.
'littel prudens' he murmured.
'not so littel' sed proodens. 'i hav bene presented at cort now and am qwyt grown-up.'
'in that cays i must offer you a seet' sed hewbert not tayking his dark eyes from her fays nor his hand from hers. 'proodens i kan scarslie beleev it. are you a halloosinayshun?'
'no indede' sed proodens. 'at leest i doant think so as i am not x-achuallie shur wat a halloosinayshun is. but i am proodens and i am heer and o hewbert i am so happie to see you. but are you so verrie verrie ill?'
'not now' sed hewbert. 'but i suppose they hav told you that i hav gone mad?'
'yes' sed proodens in a low voys 'but i doant cayr becos i am mad too.'
she blushed deep red in the candlelight and her hart rased like a raindrop splatered against a window by the wind. ther was a note of strayn in her voys and hewbert looked at her wonderinglie.
'wat do you meen my deer?'
'o' sed proodens. 'just wat i sed and i hav bene so unhappie becos i cud not tell anyone but i thot i cud tell you becos you are so klever and so holy and maybe cud think of wat to do.'
'i am not shur i understand' sed hewbert tho feers too shaymful to be naymed gripped his hart. 'but of corse you may tell me anything and i will help you in any way i can.'
'well' sed proodens and took a deep breth. 'i think i am possessed.'
'by wat?' asked the clergiman.
'by another girl' sed proodens in a lo voys. 'o hewbert it is aweful. sumtimes i am so happie i cry but then i am often miserabul and i cry agane and haf of the tym i want to kill mamma stone ded and the other haf of the tym i think of men wich i am shur must be bad but it is not me doing it it is this noo proodens hoo livs in my hed and distrakts me from my old pursoot of studying elefants.'
she gayzed at him with a frank and angwished look and if hewbert hadnt fallen in luv with her ages ago he wud hav fallen in luv with her now.
'deer proodens' sed hewbert 'that is not possession that is adolesens.'
'watever it is i doant lyk it' sed proodens 'and i hav bene terrifyed lest mamma and papa fynd out. they think i will be rooined if i tawk abowt elefants in companie imajin if sosietie fynds out i am insayn.'
'but you are not insayn' sed hewbert. 'this is just wat happens to girls. and in a different way to boys too. i was just lyk that wen i was yore ayj and it was hell.'
a look of sheer releef passed over proodens fays.
'reelie hewbert? is that troo?'
'absolootelie troo' sed hewbert. 'it is just one more result of the fall of our unhappy first parrents from grays. as we leev behynd childhood innosens we are punished with an x-sess of humors wich skrambel our brayns and altho it is wummans unhappy lot to be the more skrambeled as eeve incurred the grater penaltie her brayns unscrambel first. yewshuallie after havving a baybie or 2.'
'o' sed proodens blushing agane. 'is that the cure?'
'akkording to aristotel it is the cure for all femayl complaynts' sed hewbert suddenlie feeling he had sed too much.'altho i do not claym to be an x-pert on that. you will hav to ask your mamma.'
'gudness' sed proodens 'i wudnt dayr. im not supposed to kno abowt the fakts of lyf and if mamma knew i even sed 'fakts of lyf' to you she wud punish me seveerlie.'
but hewbert wasnt lissening any more for he had remembered something and the memory made his hart stop and start so much that it reallie is a gud thing it is provvidens and not sciens in charj.
'wich men?" he asked.
'wat?' sed proodens nervuslie.
'of wich men do you think' sed the rev. the hon. mister hewbert robinson 'or do yore thots run on them in jeneral?'
'o' sed proodens. 'plees pardon me hewbert but noo proodens say i shudnt tell you. deer me the very x-ens of n-glish sosietie seems to be not saying wat you reallie think. wen sumone says 'how are you' you must always say 'fine' and never 'terribul' and when someone offers you a third pastrie you must say 'no' and never 'yes' and if you think of men you must never ever ever say so. maybe you shud forget that part hewbert plees.'
'i doant think i can' sed hewbert and his pore overwirked hart valvs sqweezed open and shut like a creekie gayt. 'i appeel to the old proodens-littel proodens--the proodens who so luvs elefants and trooth. pleez proodens. tell me.'
'o well hewbert' sed proodens and blushed lyk fyr, 'reelie o i hoap yuo are not too angrie it is mostly abowt yuo.'
holie krap heer is hilarie in the sittingroom i hav to go. bludy hell what tyming. bakk as soon as poss.